A few days ago I wrote announcing the birth of our son & how things have improved greatly in our marriage. Well once again it's all a LIE!!!!<BR>He told me last month that he made a decision to stay with me & won't leave me - even told me he felt he was falling back in love with me again. <BR>Today he was stupid enough to print out an email from OW & left it on our desk. I went into that private account & read all about his undying love for her!!! This was just a few days ago<BR>Now he tells me that he's only staying with me because he can't leave our son - he can't do anything that he would later regret - he has no intention of staying with me - he's just staying for one year<BR>I'm tired of the lies - D-day was in Jan 2000 & I suffered through my entire pregnancy - luckily nothing happened to the baby but I don't want to suffer through the next few months with my newborn son - I can't continue to be depressed like I was during the pregnancy - I'd be a perfect candidate for post-pardom depression - that would only affect our son<BR>I'm giving up but he won't leave - he tells me he hasn't made up his mind yet etc etc but then doesn't believe that he can ever love me again or be happy with me again!! I can't give him another opportunity to continue to lie to me. I want to give up & I want someone to tell me to do just that - my marriage is a joke & I can't allow it to be a joke for the next year when he has no intention of being honest with me.<BR>Tell me it's ok to finally give up - i tried to give our son a happy family home but I can't do that alone & it has been me working on it alone

Searching For Hope - I have totally been where you are at. Through my pregnancy and during the first couple of months of my son's life, my H cheated with a fat, bisexual, drug-addict skank. He gave no thought to the fact that he was endangering his son's and my life. I went through hell, and I was darn lucky that I didn't miscarry. He would go out and stay with this woman all night while I cared for our son - I'm even ashamed to say that when I went into labor, I couldn't find my H for the longest time because he was shacked up in a Motel 6 with the whore!<P>First and foremost - BE THERE FOR THAT BABY! That child is #1 right now, and do not forget that. The other thing that I've learned is that affairs most commonly occur during a pregnancy with a first child. My H says he was afraid of becoming a father - he "didn't know how to deal with it", so he screwed around (makes sense - deal with a pregnant fiancee by screwing hoes who COULD get pregnant and have more problems). I'm sorry, this has brought up a lot of bad memories.<P>I can tell you that my H's affair ended up dying a natural death when he actually stayed home and got to know his son (approximately after he was 2 months old, after the "I am cute, but I can only poop, eat, and cry" stage). We're still rocky though, and it still hurts to this day, but I hope that our family can make it. Your H is doing a stupid, stupid thing, but it's unfortunately a common time for an A to occur. Jenn said that the reason they happen so often during pregnancy is because it is WAY harder for us to meet spouse's needs. Please, try to Plan A for as long as you can, for your son's sake. Reconciliation is possible. But if the environment is bad for your baby, then you might need to get away for a while. You can e-mail me on this also if you want to talk - like I said, I know exactly what you're going through!<P>agarrett@anvilcorp.com

SFH,<P>I am soooo sorry for what you are going through! For myself going through this type of ordeal is difficult enough, but that you went through your entire pregnancy with such torment. My heart just aches for you. <P>Please take care of yourself first. Plan A you!!! Your son needs you, and you need to be in a healthy state of mind and presence. Are there friends or family that can help you with the care of your newborn? If they can't come to you, would you go to them for a little while? <P>What a cad! I suspect he told you those loving words to see you through the pregnancy. But, I guess now that the baby is born, he feels he can honest about what his feelings are.<P>Since he wants to stay for a year, let him if you have the emotional strength for it. He'll have to be part of the caring of his son, he will make a bond with him, he may reconnect with you emotionally, and it may be difficult for him to leave at that time.<P>I can't tell you whether it is time to call it quits or not. Only you can decide because you will be the one who has to live with that decision. We are here to support whatever decision you think is best for you. <P>Take care of yourself! Many Tears

Only you know when it is time to give up. Is there anyway you could leave for awhile with your son? He may change his mind in a year who knows but expecting you to live with that hanging over your head is horrible!<P>

CB - unfortunately the A began prior to discovering the pregnancy although looking back I realized that it happened at the same time. I thought my H's A had died a natural death by now but he told me tonight that if it wasn't for our baby he would have walked out a long time ago. Our son is the only reason he's still here. I'm not sure reconcilliation is possible in our case - he refuses to go back to marriage counselling or work on our marriage in any way - he said if he falls in love with me within the next year then he'll stay otherwise he's out the door.<BR>MT - the problem is he's given me such false hope for so many months - last month he said he was committed to me & wasn't going to leave & actually said he was beginning to fall in love with me again - 3 weeks later he's changed his mind<BR>TMD - & yes it is a terrible thing for him to hold over my head & to say that he's not going to work on the marriage either<BR>I simply don't know what to do.

SFH - I too was in your same shoes (my D-day was also in January 2000) but I won't get into my situation. I truly wish for you that you could go be with (if you aren't already) your family and people who love you. This support made such a difference to me and helped me get a better perspective. Do you have supportive people that you can talk to ?<P>I know that once I left I was (and am) much healthier. Don't stay so long that your self esteem drips away. Don't let your H call all the shots and leave you with all of the painful consequences. It sounds to me like you are ready to move to Plan B - to protect yourself emotionally. <P>Please let us know how you are doing - I know the pain that you are in and how horrible it is. Believe me, it does get better.

Hi Searching for Hope:<P>Congradulations on that baby. <P>I wish this joyful time didn't have to be in the middle of this bad time in your marriage.<BR>Maybe things however are not as bad as they seem.<P>First of all, with five years of experience at this, please let me assure you that alot of what you heard from your H's mouth in the last few days was what I like to call "affair talk"...feelings and thoughts filtered through the colored prism (or rose colored sunglass if you will)of the glorious relationship...the affair. In the affair everything is wonderful, special, new, totally different, unbelievable satisfying and rewarding. How can a warmed over marriage conpare...even with the advent of a beautiful new son. Evidently it can't.<BR>At least not now, as it is.<P>But commitment is commitment...and he has stayed in the marriage and probably tried to make the best of it...for you and the baby's sake. And maybe he even believed that things would work out in the end (thus the "falling in love you again") but never gave up OW. Baby's here...some pressure's off..suddenly you discover continuing affair...back him into corner on his feelings.."affair talk" (fight or flight)takes over and you hear what you don't want to hear. I have learned this lesson too well not to recognize the mistake.<BR> <BR>Well, what to do now. Well, you can give up and get a divorce or you can join a lot of the BS's here...in what seems like the never ending wait until the affair has run its course...it's going to be hard, filled with ups and downs...but you have him at home for at least a year...a lot can happen in a year.<P>I guess I saying that if you let what your H says during "affair talk" determine the direction your marriage takes from here on out then you may miss an opportunity to save your marriage. It's your choice, but give yourself time enough to think it through and decide what you really want.<P>If you're a fighter then I expect you just heard the bell for the second round. Are you going to get up and fight some more or are you down for the count? <P>As for me, I'm in the 15th round, and I'm still fighting.<P>Faye

Dear,<P>I am very sorry for your predicament and I know that you will get different perspectives from people who have gone through similar experiences, as well as comfort from others who care enough to help with suggestions.<P>I have a similar situation in that I gave birth the a precious jewel during my WS's A. I only knew of the affair when the Chinless banshee nyphomaniac knived him and landed in jail and exposed the A to me. Like you, I told WS to leave but he insisted on staying for the baby and I. Later, I was advised by church pastors not to make major decisions at a time like this. WS was repentant and I think that helped as I was able to be open with my blind rage.<P>One thing I would insist on is that you look after your health and diet and beauty and rest so that your lovely son will benefit from you being with him. You can divert your energy by focussing more on your son and create an atmosphere of love and warmth and uplifting music in the home. Get support from family members to help you over this period. My baby's godparents were our lifelines during this period. <P>You can put aside a time to be alone and reflect and pray and really cry your heart out to God. I did this and is the only reason I stay as sane as I am.<P>As for your WS, it is darn unfair that he puts the blame squarely on whether he loves you or not. But that is usually the case with WSs, they lack the strength of character that is so crucial to prevent affairs. If you really want him at almost all cost, then you need to pray and win him back. But if you feel that you need to go back to mum's or some other wonderful supportive family for succour at this very tough post partum time, by all means do so. He can visit. I did that for a short while and WS was very afraid that I would leave permanently (my situation is different here in that WS stopped all contact with Chinless Banshee the moment I knew of the A). So in a way, he didn't want to lose us.<P>I hope you feel a little more focused today.<P>God bless you<BR>take care<BR>weep

duesoon - I can get help from family & friends - but he doesn't want me to tell anyone 'in case things work out between us'. Once I tell, then it is over between us & we will physically separate.<BR>buffy - unfortunately I feel as if I too am in round 15 - each month he says it's definitely over with her & then I find the contact continues - each month he says he'll work on our marriage & believes it's possible & then hits me with the i'm leaving - now he refuses to work on the marriage at all & wants us to spend the next year in a loveless marriage for our son!! he refuses to work on the marriage, this was made perfectly clear last night - this am he starts singing a different tune. He asked me what if he decided to work on the marriage, what would he need to do to convince me he truly means it this time. He does these 180s all the time. I can't cope any longer. I told him I've finally seen who he really is. What kind of a man tells his wife 2 weeks after giving birth to their son that he loves the OW more, cares for her more & the only reason he's still here is for the baby??? What kind of man tells his W he's seen the future and he doesn't want to spend it with her!!! I gave him the most precious thing & it's not enough for him to love me.<BR>My mistake was in thinking the baby was our saviour. The baby was the last hope. I knew if he couldn't come around by now then he never will. He's not the same man I fell in love with. I don't know who that man is any longer.<BR>He took away all the joy I should have had during the pregnancy - I had many sleepless nights, spent hours crying & now he wants me to go through the same thing when this time I'm spending with our son is supposed to be precious & joyful. He's a joy but my life is falling completely apart. On top of everything else I lost my job due to the pregnancy & now I need the strength to fight them as well.<BR>I'm falling apart here more than before but now I have a baby to take care of.<BR>All I ever asked for was a happy family home

Searching,<P>I too have BTDT, twice no less. First pregnancy with H, a disaster. He was in the grips of a bigtime EA that crossed to PA a few times. I was a wreck and had to just turn off my feelings for him just to make it through the pregnancy. He didn't bond with the baby at first, too busy out running around and avoiding growing up. Luckily (?), he lost his job when it was time for me to return to work, and he had to care for the baby and bonded big time with him. <P>Along comes baby #2, and his panic set in again. I told him he had better be there for me this time. I think all he heard was "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah". This time the affair started after the baby was born. He didn't bond with her for six months. Finally he ended the A and actually started spending time at home, and surprise surprise, baby is now Daddy's Little Girl. <P>Pregnancy and right after is such a hard thing for so many men to deal with. And how can we fight an affair at that time? Through the pregnancy and immediately after we are 100% responsible for caring for the baby. Yes, we have a hard time meeting our partner's EN at that time, but quite frankly they don't quite measure up with meeting ours then either. <P>I would say let him stay, for now, but there has to be ground rules. If he's going to be there, he's got to really be there. The baby is not something for him to pick up and ooh and ahhh over for a few minutes and then turn over to you so he can change and go meet OW. Been there, and it sucks. <P>If he wants to know exactly what he needs to do to work things out with you, tell him. Tell him nicely and calmly. But if he's not ready to hear it, he won't. I told my H a million different times quite clearly and simply what I needed, and he just didn't believe that it was really that easy and cut and dry. When he finally ended the A and tried it out, basically just to prove me wrong, he found it really was easy. Be home, be a father, be my friend and don't treat me like crap. Found out he loved me more than he ever thought he could. <P>Take care of that sweet baby, and more importantly, take care of you, because right now, noone else is.

Dear Searching for hope,<P>No WS in their right mind would want anyone to know, especially the wife's family and friends. My WS was shocked that I told my family members - we had a very good marriage and was the golden couple. My family members actually commented that it was very brave of me to tell them because then the stinking truth of the lousy husband and even doubts about the wife's attractiveness will be discussed. And I am not the sort who like pity from anyone.<P>BUT I did that because of my baby - I was not in the right frame of mind at all to give baby even basic care. Now, WS has gotten us a live in and nanny to look after baby because I cannot cope. Maybe you are made of stronger stuff. I wasn't because of my absolute trust in the marriage and the A was a huge blow that sent me spiralling downwards.<P>If WS had his way, we would have left our hometown right away so that he can hide his face and no one would have been the wiser. I refused because I knew I needed the support and I was far more concerned about my baby's well being than WS feelings at that stage. I think if you feel that you cannot cope, you really need to seek support to help you become stronger. If your H can promise you that unwavering support, then you can tell him you don't need care and support from others. But will he do that? Please discuss with him soon.<P>weep

Pam0 & weep - I too am shutting down - I can't believe in us any more, I can't believe we will one day make it because he tells me so - that he can never fall in love with me again<BR>so why do we still hang on to those who are killing us? why can't they stop doing what they know is so wrong?<BR>For the first time since I found MB I had actually abandoned it for more than a month because I felt I didn't need it anymore, didn't need to make a connection with others going through the same thing, our marriage was back on track - I hate being back, I hate the feeling that this gives me, always looking up the forum, obsessed with the postings - I'm back to depending on MB again

My thoughts and advice may go against some of the usual marriage builders advice. But, I feel that living in the home with him while he openly stays with this other woman is more abuse then anybody should take. I think that kind of life would be more painful on you then an actual divorce. You stated that you have friends and family to count on. Your up on one compared to a lot of people. What is important now is you and your son. If he will not leave the home then I would move in with family (with your son) and consult an attorney. Get a temporary hearing so that you get immediate support and the home if you want it. Contrary to what some may tell you, sometimes it takes looking down divorce alley with both barrels to snap out of your rotten behavior. Why would you hide it from your family? To protect him? Maybe a good dose of reality FROM his family is what it would take? And why should you suffer and not get the support that friends and family offer? During my long and bitter divorce I would have never survived without the love and support of my family. So, in your case I do not believe it would be in your best interest to live out another year in the same home as him just hoping he might change is mind. I think that's too much for a young mother's soul to be burdened with. Go to your friends and family and thank God that you have them.

{{{{SFH}}}}}}<P>I am so sorry this is happening to you. I, too, can understand only too well what you are going through.<P>How are you doing right now? That is the best advice I can offer: live in the present moment and try hard not to dwell on what might have happened if H hadn't done what he did.<P>I would suggest you consider telling your family about your unfortunate predicament. The situation is half yours, and you should tell whoever you like. There is no reason for you to keep the dirty little secret.<P>One day H will realize that OW is nothing and that he squandered the best days of his life. Until then, you must take care of yourself and that precious little life who loves you so much. Put yourself and your son ahead of your H.<P>Hang in there. Mommyhood is tough, but it's worth it! <P>All the best. --HBC

SFH<P>Honey, you have got to tell someone close to you what is going on. You need emotional and quite frankly some physical support right now. Don't worry about protecting your H, he's not worrying about protecting you. Sometimes a good dose of humilitation goes a long way in seeing that you're making a huge mistake. <P>Also, let your doctor know what is going on so that you can get on antidepressants if you aren't already. <P>I also agree that if he isn't willing to work on the marriage to fix it during this year, then what in the heck is the point? So he can ease his own conscience? If he's not going to try, then go, if even for just a little while. He doesn't have a clue right now what he would be losing, because he has the best of both worlds right now. He's got a wife who loves him at home who is willing to fix things, a beautiful new baby, that his wife takes care of, and the OW on the side. He's got it all.<P>I'm so sorry you had to return here.

Thank you all.<BR>What he's holding over my head is this - that he will stay with me for 1 year to take care of the baby & I. He won't have anything to do with OW but he won't work on the marriage because he does not want to be with me. Then he said if he happens to fall in love with me again during this year then he won't go. He leaves me hanging on all the time with this sense of false hope.<BR>Also he knows how important it is to me that we provide a happy family home for our son. I think he's hoping that if he dangles a carrot then I'll allow him to stay just for the possibility of having a family intact once again.<BR>He's coming home now to write a letter to the OW ending it once and for all. He's been ending it since May & always ends up in contact with her again. He promises to be faithful to me during this one year. And had the nerve to say that if I meet someone, then I should go for it. I've sometimes thought about making him jealous, having him think someone else can possibly love me so that he can see me in a different light. Now I know all he wants is for me to find someone so he can be guilt-free.<BR>I don't understand how the birth of our son can have no effect on him when it comes to loving me. <BR>I'll have to think about things some more - whether I allow him to stay or not & whether I should tell someone or not. His parents know but he's not listening to them either. All he sees is that he's not in love with me & he's forced to give up the woman he does love because he wants to be with his son.

Shoot Searching, What a mean choice to give you. I would be tempted to tell him he should go live with OW for a year and at the end of that time you will let him know if you want him back in your life or not.<P>You just know he will not stop seeing her for a year anyway, he will just get sneakier.And there is no way he will be working on your marrige while thinking he is a short timer in your relationship. Can you call the Harleys for a session? I just don't think it would be good for your emotional health to meet his demands. Maybe they can help you come up with a plan that you can live with. Please consider it.<BR>Lora

{{{{{{{{{{{{SFH}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I can get help from family & friends - but he doesn't want me to tell anyone 'in case things work out between us'. Once I tell, then it is over between us & we will physically separate.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>NOT! I didn't tell because I have noone. If you have supportive family, you need them!<P>Of course, the key is SUPPORTIVE. I don't think your h has the right to dictate who you tell to. But you would have to weigh the reaction you might get. Most people who haven't been there are clueless on giving support.<P>I couldn't help thinking if this would cause him to separate, wouldn't that take a load off your back!<P>I'm sort of a veteran around here, and mostly like K recommend the MB way. But you are under incredible pressure to plan A with a baby! I'm not sure that in-love feelings come ONLY from deposits made by the spouse. I think when he commits to LOVING you as an act of the will, the feelings will follow.<P>I hate to say it, but with his attitude, and if he is keeping OW "in the wings", there isn't a chance he will get the loving feelings.<P>Noone can tell you what is best for you, only you can decide. It is not only your marriage, but your personal healing that is at stake. My marriage is doing great, but I'm having a hard time healing. I realize one mistake was in fearing separation because he said if he went, he would not return. I should not have let him hold that over me. It put incredible pressure on me.<BR>

schizzo - actually it's me - once i kick him out or he leaves, then he's not allowed back in<BR>once again he has ended it with OW but of course i've heard this before - he swears he'll be faithful to me durinf the year we're together<BR>the choice is mine to make - do i allow him to stay the year so that he can be with his son during his first year or do i kick him out & move on with my life?<BR>his feelings are all over the place - one minute he wants to work on the marriage, next he wants out - i think he should post here & talk to other WS - maybe they can shed some light & he can see that others are going thru what he's going thru - that they help him to understand the battle but that things can work out<BR>it's so hard to type with one hand while breastfeeding!

SFH<P>Reading your story just breaks my heart. As I've said I've been through this twice, and I know how incredibly rotten this is. <P>If he does cut off contact with the OW, I think your marriage has an excellent chance. My guess is that this A was more about him and his fears of becoming a father,than it was about any problems with the two of you. <P>It simply must be the difference in the sexes. Women view becoming a parent with such joy and anticipation, and men seem to view it as the end of all happiness and joy in life. <P>I truly believe if he is there with you and your son, things will happen for you. Help him see the joy in being a parent. But also show him that the joy of being a couple is still there too. Get a sitter, go out for dinner, see a movie. You both will be so much better for it.<P>I'm praying for you.