Quick background: W filed for divorce a few weeks ago. She's been moved out since Aug 11th. 3 months now since D-Day. She's going to Vegas to visit "friends" (including OM) at the end of Oct. Still insists its not a PA.<P>Anyway, I went out of town last weekend. STBX agreed to stay at the house to take care of the dog, though she said it would be "too weird."<P>Thursday night, she found the journal I've been keeping, and read it over and over again throughout the weekend. <P>My journal is just a page every day or so...totally "stream of conciousness" writing, just to get my thoughts on paper.<BR>In it, I wrote about the pain I felt, the anger, my bitterness towards OM, my unwillingness to remain friends, how I don't like the person she has become, etc. I also wrote about my growing feelings for a woman I work with (some of you know her: The Supermodel). Well, The Supermodel quit her job where I work, but has insisted we go to lunch sometime. <P>When I got home, my STBX was furious with me! She seems to think I've already been with Toni (the supermodel), and that made her insanely jealous. I had told her I wouldn't date until the ink was dry on the divorce...and I haven't, but I'm certainly looking to the future! <P>She actually wrote me a long, rambling letter, in which she expresses her anger, her jealousy, and confusion over the fact that I'm thinking about dating already...funny, since she's already started dating with OM!!!<P>She also admitted that she missed me terribly, that all weekend she was half expecting me to be there in the bed with her when she woke up, and that she's beginning to think (again) that she's made a huge mistake. Some of the letter was very sexually explicit, and in parts she revealed to me things that happened to her in her previous relationship that I didn't know until now...I won't even go into detail, save to say it was pretty shocking.<P>She says she's confused. She says she didn't really want to file after all. She says she needed more time to "find herself."<P>Now I REALLY don't know what to do! I had given up altogether and decided to move on. Emotionally, the little door to my heart has been closed off to her. Before she filed, I would've taken her back in a heartbeat. Now I'm not so sure I even want her back!<P>The divorce papers are already filed and paid for, the first hearing is coming up next week. She hasn't said she wants to come back, she just wants "more time to think."<P>I kind of think it might be too late.<BR>I can't trust her at all.<BR>She's probably manipulating me.<BR>I don't want to get burned again.<P>Now what?

Oh man, you are so right! It never ends. First of all it was out of line for her to read your private thoughts, but maybe it helped her realize a few things. When my h was out making wedding plans with bimbette I saw an old boyfriend and he freaked. Not that is was anything with old flame and I, but he really blew a gasket. It is like the old saying - don't know what you have until it's gone. This might be just that green monster, but then again maybe she has had some sort of ephany (spelling? means big light bulb over little head). If you have a little left for her you might want to see if counseling would be an option for her or if she just wants time off. If you are sure you don't like the person she has become, and you think it is a permanant change then boy did she loose out on a heck of a guy. Like my dad always keeps saying to me - if you think you can make it work, that is great, but just don't put your whole heart into it. In some ways that is good advice, but how can you make it work if you don't go 110%. Now that I have given you no advice worth anything, I'll send you a hug and a prayer.

Cjack -<P>I think it's kind of ironic that your your wife is just now realizing what she stands to lose. I am a WS, and fortunately I realized what I could stand to lose (my H - a great guy and my best friend) before it was too late.<P>It may be the green-eyed monster - that she's jealous, envious whatever that you have a potential love interest, but now she may really realize that you won't be there waiting for her, pining away for her. . .You are not a security blanket, and maybe this is just jealousy that some other woman finds you (her man) attractive - or it could be one heck of a wake up call. . .I would continue going through with YOUR plans, whatever they may be at this point. . .There's no reason why you couldn't get back together with your wife after divorce, right? I know, ridiculous, but Look at Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton (not the best example, I know) but they got remarried one time, didn't they?<P>I don't know, as a WS, I know that sometimes when the FS is Plan Aing, you never really realize what life without your H could really be like. I know she filed for divorce. . .heck I even comptemplated separation, but when I realized that I would lose my H - not only as a H but as a friend, too, that really shook me back into the reality of the situation. I looked at it like, if I could never be friends with either the OM or my H - who would I rather be friends with - hands down, my H. So, maybe the thought of losing your friendship has given her another dose of reality. . .<P>But, I would think that you need to continue with what you feel is right at this time. . .

cjack,<P>I dont know if my opinion will be very popular but I'll give it to you anyway.<BR>Reading the journal was very wrong, but it may just have opened her eyes. Sleeping in your bed without you and expecting you to be there, may have helped open her eyes. Knowing what it feels like to know that someone you love is drifting toward another may have heped open her eyes. Yes, she could just be having a jealous reaction but you'll never know unless you try. Even if your Love Bank is near empty, if you both agree to work the marriagebuilders principles and she to have absolutley no contact with OM things could work out better than you hoped. You know how the saying goes, "It's always darkest before the dawn". I may be eternally optimistic. The divorce fee isn't so big in the grand scheme. You could call it off if both of you come to an understanding regarding the expectations of your marriage. If you feel confused about what to do at this moment then maybe you weren't so sure about this divorce anyway. If your marriage is what you really want and she will agree to give it 100% then call the divorce off. If she can't do that, continue on as planned.<P>cleo

Dear Cjack,<P>Project to the future - is this the woman you truly want to spend the rest of your life with? and Why? If so, give it a last try and discuss that with her. Put supermodel Toni aside for a while because it may or may not be.<P>If not, then still discuss with your wife to resolve the issues, for you especially.<P>God Bless You<BR>weep<P>

Does your state have a time limit on the divorce once the papers are filed? I know ours doesn't. Once the papers are filed the divorce can be final in 60 days, but the divorce can remain filed without any progress indefinitely.<P>Can you, or do you want to put off the hearing?<P>Our divorce papers are still sitting at my lawyers office (served & signed, but not courthouse filed). since we've been back together for 5 months, maybe I should check into getting them into the circular file...<P>What impressed me enough about my H to put it all on hold was that for the first time in 2+ years, his words AND actions lined up to show me that he was a changed man...and I saw the man I had been married to for 17 years. Before that I was pretty convinced I had given him his last chance, 6+ separations & reconciliations. Even though it was, and sometimes still is, very scary to try again, I knew that I would regret not giving it another chance. I am not regretting it.<P>Do what weep has suggested, project yourself into the future and look back to see what it is that is the right thing to do.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Thanks for the responses!<P>Justthewife: I think its a combination of epiphany and green monster! I found out about the A by reading her e-mails, so she thinks reading my journal was the perfect payback...not quite!<P>SKM: If I continue with my plans, then the marriage is most certainly over. From the moment she filed my life changed. I started to notice attractive women I'd never noticed before, started going out with friends a lot more, and focused on my future as a newly single man. I bought new clothes, started shopping for new furniture, etc. I think what bothers her the most is my attitude of: "O.K., you're gone, I'm over you, and I'm moving on." That's what really hit home. She found out I don't NEED her anymore.<P>Cleopatra: The problem is, I never wanted to divorce...still don't! I told her over and over again that I would never do anything to move the divorce proceedings along; if she wanted a divorce, I wouldn't fight it, but I wouldn't be a party to it in any way. The ball was in her court, so to speak. What she's trying to do is put it back to me. <BR>But I will tell her that, if she wants back in, its 100 percent or nothing.<P>Weep and Lor: Do I want to spend the rest of my life with her? I did...now I don't know. I'm pretty sure that if we stay married, this will all happen again. I don't know if I can go through this a second time, or a third time! <P>I guess I'm looking for what you got from your H, Lor: a change. She has some real serious issues brought on by years of physical and emotional abuse at the hands of other men, starting with her father and leading up to her previous boyfriend. After 5 or 6 years, I thought she had resolved all of those issues, but she's really just starting to scratch the surface.<BR>Her actions are a result of a very screwed-up upbringing. <P>I know there's a loving, caring person underneath who really feels badly about what she's done, but there's so many layers to dig through until I get to the real person underneath. I don't know if I have the strength for another trip down that road.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cjack:<BR><B> I don't know if I have the strength for another trip down that road.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I know what you mean. The only thing to remember is that you never get anything you can't handle, and you are probably a lot stronger than you think.<P>

cjack,<P>It's in the back of our minds(Betrayed spouses) that there is always the chance that will we go down this road again. For me, It's worth the chance to try and do this the right way. Both of us have hurt each other deeply over the years. Don't let fear stand in your way. You sound like a very strong man. If you want this, then do your best. You may get hurt but you may be rewarded for all your efforts. She's saying she wants to try and this is what you have been waiting for. Go for it.<P>cleo