Hi, all DDay was Aug 20th, when my H forgot to sign out his email and I found tons of saved emails from OW. I copied as many as i could. I really couldnt believe what I was reading, but OW is married and complaining of the usual "I'm not happy in that marriage, but I know my life w/you would be different" crap. I waited til after he took his boards because they had planned to meet on a holiday weekend. Funny that he was begging me to see my mother that same weekend, I came up with an excuse. The OW is in another state, so when we moved, I noticed the increase in calls to a particular pager number and home number. I found out the OW name and address,also found U/S with her name on it. To shorten the story, I confronted him about the email. He said he doesnt know about it and why did I hold on to it. " Yeah he was trying to psych me out" He swore to me that nothing was going on. I said that didnt explain his moodiness, and change of sex habits over the past few months. I let him know that he hasnt satisfied my doubts. He said he wanted to work it out and started communicating more. I went to counseling, which really helped. After a while, He wasnt calling OW as much, or i guess he was calling her from the hospital. H has refused counseling, pastoral counseling, and he doenst pray w/ me. I've told a few friends for support. But it's hard being in a new town w/ no friends and not sure when the other shoe will drop. I havent found a job, but because of this, mentally, I'm not sure if I can handle it. Mainly our conversations have been superficial. I've tried to make sure the place is clean, so I won't aggravate him. I'm trying to be normal , but it's difficult dealing w betrayal. I'm hurt, angry, you name it...., Right now I'm just numb. It just hurts, we've been married 5yrs. I don't know why he couldnt fess up. The other day, he asks me if we where to break up, would I take him back? I said I couldnt deal with it. H says that he feels he's lost the spark, but it's not like it's about another woman. Yeah right! I told him if you want to break up then you shouldve been man enought to tell me before I quit my job and moved out here with you. i told him that I've been upfront an honest and that he has been confiding to someone other than your W. I pretty much asked him what he wanted to do. he said he didnt know. well, that's not an answer. I asked him why he couldnt confide to a counselor, H said he didnt believe in such measures- my H is a doc, so this makes sense?<BR>I'm still trying to decide what to do, I feel lost and in shock. I did everything I could and put more than my best effort in this marriage. I've never felt such pain, and what's worse, I feel that he doesnt give a damn. I don't want to give up, but I don't think we'll make it. I'm just waiting to see if H will want to go visit his "buddies"- where the OW lives. I wish I could catch them, infact bring the OW's H so we could bust them together. H still calls her, doesnt even hide the bills to cover himself. To add insult to injury, I found out last year, that my dad not only cheated on my mother, but had a child. I found out about it on the internet of all places.....(Damn that Bill Gates) and of course when I confronted my dad he denied it, but my mom belived it and they havent been the same. That's why i havent told her yet about this, but I'll have to. I guess I've had a hell of a year. I should be on Sally LOL.<P>Thanks for allowing me to vent, sorry for rambling

The stuff that your husband is saying is classic for a WS. Denial is so common. It is very tough to stomach. I won't say too much here, but please read about emotional needs (EN), and Plan A. You should start Plan A. Also, read about infidelity and affairs on this site, because it explains the whole "fog" idea, where a cheating spouse suddenly is "in love" with someone else, and they just lose the ability to think rationally.<P>There are alot of us going through similar situations to you, so post as much as you need to here, and vent, ask questions, etc.<P>Best of luck.

Hi Fury,<P>Glad you found us. NSR will probably come along with a welcome and give you some info to start reading. Please do read it, this will all make more sense to you if you do.<P>Your post reminded me of another woman who posts here, Tootrusting. You can look up her posts by her name. Her H is also a doctor, and there do seem to be some similarities. Maybe she'll see this and write to you, I hope so because she has become a really strong person through all of this.<P>The things your H says to you are normal "code" for a betraying spouse. It's amazing, but we've all heard the same sentences out of our spouses mouths. Made me feel a little better to realize that. Read about Plan A, it has helped many people on these boards. Come here and vent and talk all you want to, there is always someone around to listen.<P>I'd have gone crazy months ago if it were not for the kind people here who put up with my moods, good and (of late) pretty bad.<P>Keep reading, keep posting, keep praying.<P>allison

Welcome <B>BSfury</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>This is your time to learn...<BR>...about yourself.<P>Learn about <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>and check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P><B>You are not alone.</B><P> <P>Jim

Dear BSFury,<P>There are many reasons why he could be having this EA or PA or EA/PA with some OW. Mostly it boils down to the WS need for admiration, attention, special feeling of wanted by someone other than the spouse, which goes to show weakness in character. There are other situations but your case sounds like some 'thrill seeking' mid life adventure which the spouse just want to live out before he gets too old? <P>I am very sorry that you feel he is not giving two hoots about how you feel. Usually, I like to suggest that the BS concentrate on herself so that she feels better by lavishing care on the physical aspects and the energy is infectious. As for the emotional aspects, it will be a roller coaster ride, and one has to keep reminding oneself to be vigilant as well as to have support to stay focussed. <P>I do think you want to try to work this through but you need to really sit down with your H to discuss how affairs can destroy not only the marriage but your self identity, self esteem, and give you a lot of torment and hurt that you do not deserve. You may introduce him to this forum or you can leave affair books around for him to read.<P>Hang in there, the going is tough, but you know your H and I pray you can get him to understand before this thing gets out of hand.<P>God Bless YOu<BR>weep

Thanks to all who responded. Reading about Plan A was helpful and I want to take action, but H has denied the PA/EA to my face. When I showed him the emails, he said that someone from his former hospital is probably jealous and....get this... used the OW' s email add to send them to him. I said, okay, let's say that's true, then why didnt you show them to me! He mumbled things like someone is trying to "destroy" his marriage, like he really expects me to believe this story. When I showed him the U/S with OW name on it.... he said "Oh, that's a new procedure we did and I always keep a copy. I said, why would you keep a copy in your wallet! and if it's a test, then a patient's name does not have to be on it. He didnt have an answer. See the lengths he going to keep me from exposing him?. Can Plan A work if H refuses to admit to PA/EA? Since we've moved from the city where OW is, the separation has made him withdrawn, moody, irritated, etc. It's odd that if he didnt get transferred, I might not have found out about this.

The lengths they go through to deny it can be truly bizarre. I caught my wife and the OM in the airport when she was picking him up from a business trip. I didn't confront them on the spot (Oh to have had my video camera), but I confronted her later with the flight number, time, and gate that he arrived and described them kissing while going down the escalator. She looked me straight in the eye and said, "It didn't happen." It's like they've been abducted by space aliens who scrambled their brains before letting them go.<P>WAT