...in Who wants a perfect man.<P>Thanks for taking the time to write. I'm sure all are different, but it certainly helps me to hear your openness of waking up. My wife and I are separated, but we interact and communicate a lot via the care of our son. Her affair is a big secret she thinks, but I'm getting ready to tell her I know, hoping that this will contribute to her thinking.<P>WAT

Worthatry -<P>I'm sorry to hear that you and your wife are separated. I will pray that it is only temporary. I would definitely let her know that you think something is "amiss." While, thank God, I confided in my H about my affair and actually had a little more "control" over my situation, I think it is important that the WS know that his/her affair is "not a secret." Sometimes, we claim that the OP is only a friend - that there's nothing inappropriate about the relationship. . .I did a lot of things to "rationalize" what I was doing.<P>Get this one, during the affair, I asked my H what would happen if I had an affair, would he still love me? Of course, he had no idea I was having an EA at the time, but he said "Hey, you know, I just want you to be happy, I don't want to lose you, so if that means you have to have an affair, so be it?" In my mind, I didn't see that he would be willing to forgive me, I saw it as the green light I needed to keep the affair going. He didn't care, right? Wrong, and I knew it, but somehow I rationalized that hey what he didn't know, didn't hurt him, he didn't really care if I had an affair anyway.<P>So, I think you do need to say something to your wife - even if you do not have concrete proof of an affair - even if it is only suspicions. Because, for a long time, I did not want to be accountable for my actions - what I was doing was wrong, I knew it, but I tried everything to rationalize that it was okay - well, my H and I weren't "meant" to be together anyway - so this is okay. Nope. It was wrong, plain and simple.<P>If you do confront her about what you know. . .you have to do it in a very calm manner - she'll be defensive, make excuses, rationalize or even blame you for her behavior. . .expect that. . .But ultimately, even if she had the worst marriage on the face of the planet, and you were this evil monster (which I know is not true ), she was the one who chose to have an affair - and she has to take responsibility for that. And that may not happen anytime soon, but the sooner the affair is out - at least among you two - the sooner she will have to face reality and admit what is or is not going on.<P>You need to be calm, though, because you do need to think about your son. . .you want that interaction and tie to continue. But blow the whistle on it, just not loudly at first. . .See if she will own up to it.<P>For a long time, I even thought that kissing the OM was okay. . .How did I rationalize that one - well, we really didn't have sex, so it wasn't really an affair - yeah right. That is bogus, and I realize that now, but I certainly wouldn't have admitted to it back then. . .so just expect that, okay. . .<P>Instead of Hints from Heloise. . .This is my hint from a WS. . .Take care.