Buffy/Faye-<P>I read your reply in Jo's thread. This rollercoaster thing just never seems to stop does it? Your OW does seem pretty sick.<P>Anyway, I read what you wrote about the 5 love languages and visited the site you linked. I've also read the book, but still can't quite be comfortable with figuring out my Hs language of love. Can you help?<P>In the book, it says if it not clear to think about past complaints. So here goes:<BR> House is too messy<BR> Kids are not supervised closely enough<BR> Work too much<BR> Unorganized- bills are late, too much running around in the morning trying to get ready, can't find stuff easily<P>And then I think about what he does or did to try and show me love. He gave me cards and small gifts, but what really comes to mind is that he used to start dinner, wash a load of clothes and pick up around the house so when I got home from work, I would be "in the mood". I know that he enjoys words of affirmation and enjoys giving and receiving gifts, but due to the nature of his complaints and what he has told me he tried to do, I think that Acts of Service is his primary language of love. Does this make sense?<P>OK- assuming you agree with that, any ideas on what I can do now that we are separated to speak his language?<P>He frequently stays for dinner, but I've been trying to not make a big deal of it- no pressure, don't push. There have been several times that I purposefully cooked one of his favorite meals. Maybe I need to let him know that I did it for him? I send leftovers home with him for lunch the next day whenever he stays for dinner. Any other ideas? <P>By the way, my language of love is very definitely physical touch. and my kids- the 10 year old is very definitely quality time. Still trying to figure out the 6 year old. I really ejoyed this book and it really makes sense to me. <BR>

Hi Cloudy:<P>I'm pretty new to this 5 language stuff, but I will give you my opinion. This was one area that I don't think is covered quite well enough...where it's not really obvious what the other S's love language is or even what yours is (that's my problem).<P>Looks like if we could trade Hs we could do alright, since you're touchy, feely and so is my H. Afraid you'd send mine back after a few days though. Those "service" type guys are nice to have around.<P>I think that interesting though...that often couples do have different love languages...often opposites. <P>From the clues, I believe you might be right about your H's language being "service". The kinds of things your H does would never occur to my H to do for me. He thinks he's done his duty if he goes to work everyday.<P>So I'll give you some of the things that I, being "service" oriented, would appreciate.<P>1. I think the key word to me is "help." Making things easier for me would make me more considerate of him. All the things you listed seem to be things that if done would make him more comfortable at home. That is certainly where you want him to be comfortable, isn't it. Are you making sure that when he's there everything is undercontrol including the kids so that he can enjoy the visit? You might also encourage him to do something for the kids or help prepare the meal. Anything to make him feel helpful. <P>2. You also mentioned telling him that you are doing something (like cooking his favorite meal) especially for him. One of my biggest surprises in talking to my H was his telling me he never noticed the things I did for him...and that I ought to have told him. I just expected him to notice and do something reciprocal for me. So, yes tell him, but in terms of your doing this in appreciate of his being there or for something he's done for you.<P>3. Also remember that we service people are most happy when we can be of service, so find some way that he can be of service to you and then be very appreciative and offer to return the favor by doing something for him. This is also very irritating to OW.<P>4. The reference to "being too busy" indicates to me that he also needs some special "service" or attention to him directly. Now touchy, feely people think this means lots of stoking, kissing, etc., but that stuff to "service" people is surface stuff. I'm not putting this down, it's wonderful. But it takes no special effort on your part. Make some effort to do something that has real meaning...to him, make things easier just for him.<BR>This sounds crazy...but since my H has lost a lot of weight, I have altered all his clothes for him (and we're separate) so they would fix better. My H doesn't particularily appreciate it, but yours would. I know I'm still doing things in my language but it's part of me.<P>5. I believe that "service" people also are usually control or order people. They function better in stable conditions (unpaid bills and undiciplined kids?). I know this causes me a lot of stress, anything that gets my life out of kelter. Do you feel that your life is stable or consistent or crazy. What kind of life does he have with OW? (if there is an OW). On his own my H has no order, that's unimportant to him. I don't mean this is bad, it is just not me. In fact, I am his consistency and order. <P>I don't know if I've been of any help, but I hope so. I am having trouble with the opposite problem, since being separated and his being with OW makes it hard to be touchy, feely with him. Do you have any suggestions that you feel might work? I would appreciate any help.<P>Incidentally, I think these Chapman lessons have a lot in them. They have made me see so many errors I was making. I haven't read the book, through, and I'd like to. Do you think the book goes into greater detail?<BR>The lessons appear to be a composite of all of his books. But sometime things just seem to click and that's how it's been for me and the Chapman material. It's not really that different from the MB principles.<P>Anyway, I hope this is of help. I'll pray that it is. Sorry this is so lengthy but I am wordy, I'm sorry.<P>Faye <P>Buffy, the cat, has given up the board for now. It's too tiring for her. All these silly humans with their petty problems. LOL.<P> <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited October 13, 2000).]

Faye-<BR>Thanks for your input. I tend to be wordy too, so it's not a problem. I haven't read much of the info on the web site, but I found the book intriguing. It's just kind of hard to figure out when H won't read with me and tell me the answers.<P>I think that I'm pretty comfortable with the idea that H's language is acts of service. I've been thinking about what I can do to communicate my love for him without thinking about service people being happiest when they are being of service. I've been trying so hard to be Miss Independent, that I've overlooked this important point. He has offered to do several things around the house, that so far just haven't happened. Starting tomorrow, I will encourage him to do these things and let him know how much I appreciate it and offer to do something for him in return.<P>I have made an effort to make sure his visits are comfortable. The house is always clean- not spotless, but much, much better. The kids are not actually undisciplined, H thinks I let them have too much freedom. My life is actually very stable and consistent. We consistently have a crazy time every morning when we are getting ready to go. I realize now that the craziness of it was not the problem. The problem in my H's eyes has to do with acts of service again. If I loved the kids enough, I would have everything ready for them in the morning instead of expecting them to do so much on their own. Light bulb big time!!! Oh but how much I hold them and kiss them and hug them and tickle them... my language of love.<P>As for OW, yes there is one, though hopefully dwindling away. Isn't that always the hope? And come to think of it, these may be some of the reasons. Their relationship is not consistent- she always has a crisis of some kind that interferes. She is not very dependable and must be a little flakey. Since I'm just learning this language stuff, I'm not sure how this fits into their relationship.<P>Thank you... I have a much better understanding now. I'll get to work tomorrow.<P>Now for you...<BR>Some little, stupid things that make me feel loved are: (and these may seem crazy to a non-touchy, service person)<BR>Of course there are hugs, kisses, carresses, massages.<BR>If these are not possible or are uncomfortable right now, any touching helps.<BR> <BR>Let me tell you things I've noticed in the last couple of weeks that have meaning for me, even if not intended by him. Yesterday, I was standing in the kitchen at the sink. H was walking behind me and touched my waist with both hands as if to tell me to scoot forward so he could get by.<P>Today, we had to go to a funeral. I had some lint on my dress- H picked it off. He couldn't button the two little buttons on his collar and asked me to do it for him. I also straightened his tie. I guess these were physical touch and acts of service at the same time.<P>H wanted me to put his keys in my purse and his hand lingered in mine while he handed them to me. He does this (or maybe I do, I'm not sure) whenever he hands me anything.<P>We went to an auto race last week. While we were standing there watching it, he leaned into me, just our arms were touching.<P>When we are sitting at the kitchen table, I like to stick my feet under his thigh on the seat of his chair- my feet get cold!<P>H poured me a cup of coffee and when he brought it to me, he touched my shoulder with his other hand.<P>These are the little things that speak loudly to me. How do they sound to you? Can you do any of these?<P>I would highly recommend the book. And you're right- it does blend nicely with MB. And you apologized for being wordy! Let me know what you think and thnands again for your reply.<P><BR>

Hi Cloudy:<P>I think being of service to a certain extent is important to all men....but they have different expectations for their rewards...what they receive in return must be in their language to be of value to them.<P>Even my H loves to do things for me...and I sure he would love to get hugs and kisses in return but he'll settle for admiration and praise. Got very little of that...since it's not high on my ENs (admiration and praise)...so I didn't give it either.<P>I think I understand what you're saying about incidental touching...that's a good idea...since I not ready for anything sensual...but need to relate to him more physically. H'd be open to anything...probably much more then I would.<BR>I have to do what I feel comfortable with.<P>I also wanted to ask you if you work together on household projects. I am a fixit person...and I always wanted my H to help me with it...whatever...leaf raking...trimming...painting...small repairs.<BR>Never would...too busy watching TV. The togetherness was what I wanted...the feeling of a common purpose...a pulling together.<BR>I was always doing something to make things better for everyone.<P>Anyway, sometimes it is hard to decide how to best approach our H EN's. Maybe trial and effort works as well as anything.<P>Thanks for the hints. I think they'll help.<P>Let me know how you do.<P>Faye<P>