I am a lurker here..lots of good insight that is shared - Thank you all.<P>I noticed something that I simply wanted to point out, as a 'learning' tool perhaps.<P>I have been a WS. Working on recovery with God's help. <P>My affair started on the internet. <P>I have been asked many times HOW I could become envolved (initially) emotionally with someone I had not ever really 'met'. It's a good question, there's is much about it I still don't understand, but surely our experience here at MB, should make it very clear HOW it could happen.<P>Support, Friendships, Laughter, Shared Tears, (and now I've noticed even) scheduled Meetings - to really 'SEE' our new friends.<P>Please understand I am NOT AT ALL finding fault with some folks here planning to meet - as it is different in context than any affair perhaps (more people etc) and likely it will be great benefit to those who do attend. <P>All I am saying is THIS: in my view, the dynamic at work here is the same. I think many who have become involved with someone via the internet would agree.<P>Thank you for seeing this merely as 'food for thought.'<P>-I.<BR>

It has happened before...<BR>...to a few posters here... <P>There have been a few on this forum...<BR>...who in their attempt to comfort had fallen into an affair. <P>I think that an attempt to "SEE" each other can result in inappropriate relationships...<BR>...but...<BR>...with all the people together (not just 2 at a time) <B>strongly focused</B>... on building marriages/relationships...<BR>...I don't see it happening.<BR>...it's not impossible...<BR>...but I don't see it. <P>The kind of support we all give...<BR>...lends us to <B>stop</B>... and think of the real consequences!<P> <P>Jim

Yes NSR,<P>I agree... highly unlikely given what we all have learned here...pain teaches incredible lessons for all of us.<P>I have read several posts on this site (in several areas) by those who seemed baffled by the 'internet affair.'<P>Looking at HOW people are able to build 'relationships' here - even in this forum - may serve as an illustration/ and may be helpful information for those who are puzzled by how these types of affairs can orginate.<P>NSR - your writing here has encouraged me greatly. Thank you for lending your wisdom. And thank you for understanding my intent on this post.<P>-I.

Interesting,<P>I absolutely see why my H fell into an online EA - and it is exactly as you say. He found someone very willing to lend an ear and offer comfort when he was going through difficult times (recent move far from friends and family, trouble finding the right job, me busy with work and kids...)<P>I will add this - the OW in our case is online all the time. She knows exactly how to pull men in, make them comfortable, gradually and very subtly (even slyly) moves them along to a deeper involvement. She is involved this way with many men, and there are many more like her. (Not to lessen H's responsibility in the relationship because he made no attempt to back off and say "hey this isn't appropriate")<P>In our case this all took place in a seemingly innocent and popular gaming zone - MSN. I am adding this just as a warning to any who question their spouse's involvement in games like this but the format seems too innocent. Any format that includes chat can pose a danger.<P>So there's my 2 cents worth - I definitely understand how H fell for this woman. And that is also why I stay away from the mixed company conversations here that focus on sex, or on getting too warm & fuzzy with individuals - especially of the opposite sex.<P>periwinkle

Interesting, you hit the proverbial nail on the head. Just look around us at this site. Of course, here I think we tend to keep each other in check (barring above mentioned incidents as mentioned by NSR), but look at how friendships develop here. How many people come here seeking comfort and support and even companionship. <P>Think about how people who have been "pen-Pals" before the internet use became mainstream. Not unheard of or difficult to fathom at all. You write about yourseves, exchange pictures and perhaps even plan to meet someday.<P>My internet affair stemmed out of lonliness. H worked long hours and went to school, came home exhausted. When he DID have free time a lot of it was spent on the computer - it's how he unwinds. (Guess I'd rather be a computer widow rather than a football widow ) I was having a hard time hooking up with friends where we were living at the time. I'm a person who craves socialization - hell, I'll even ARGUE for companionship sometimes. It's better than the boredom of silence. <P>Flirting happens and can't always be considered an "Affair" when it does, but things can get out of hand quick on screen. People's feelings and TIME are involved. Many people are unsure of what the boundaries are and when they have crossed that line. The trouble comes once you KNOW you have moved out of the grey area and into something that you'd rather your spouse not walk in and see you typing yet you continue the behavior. <P>Folks are quick to become verbally inappropriate on a few levels while online, and the reasons are pretty much the same. Ever see how heated arguments here can get out of line? Ever find yourself typing a response to someone that you might not feel as comfortable saying face to face? Ever develop a kinship rather rapidy with someone who you can't see but share a few simple things in common? I think the majority of us here on these boards can relate to this - I see it every day.<P>It's a bad thing if someone is getting hurt or could get hurt over it. Otherwise, it may even be healthy. You get to say things you normally are too inhibited to express otherwise. It's a form of thinking out loud. It's a chance to expend some of that pent-up anger minus the risk of getting into an actual shouting match or fist-fight. <P>I know the caring my H and I have experienced here has helped to heal us. I also know that coming here with a heart heavy with myriad negative feelings and unloading them here with the understanding that someone, somewhere will at least maybe read about them is therapy.<P>It's an amazing, mysterious phenomenon that has both positive and negative facets. I'm gald we have some shrinks out there exploring it, trying to understand it all a little better - I hope they come up w/ some answers!<P>Think I might just do a search for "internet pshychology" now ... I let ya'll know if I come across anything "interesting." <P>No pun intended <P>Carrie

There are books which address Internet and sexual attraction, I believe. I have never read one, though. I learned the "hard way." I've been on the 'net before there was Netscape or Exploder or even Mosaic. I was on the 'net back when you had to have a good working knowledge of Unix. Back when The Well (bay-area based community) was still accessed via dial-up. I went through "Internet romances" a couple of times, and I know from experience how heady these can be. I also know that what you read is not what you get in the final analysis. It's like deciding who to date based on a very extensive and self-flattering resume.<P>I met a couple of men with whom I bonded very tightly over the 'net, then when I met them, there was a little bit of emotional fizzies, but once we were in "real time," the novelty ceased to exist, and I found out that these were definitely not men whom I would have gone out with in real life. In fact, one of them was just plain strange and dysfunctional. But of course, he neglected to tell me that in his lucious prose.<P>Oh - BTW, I am relating my experiences as a single person, wayyyy long before I was married (just to clarify!).<P>Once you get past the "mystery" of the 'net and figure out that Mr. or Ms. Wonderful whom you meet in some sort of virtual community is no more special than the people you see shopping at your local grocery store (sometimes even less), that sort of cools your jets. I've had many years of experience, and don't feel compelled to real-time meet anyone I "meet" on the 'net.<P>belld

Periwinkle,<P>My H and I used to play each other in chess during our lunch hour on Yahoo. Little did I know he had many games going on at once. He met the latest of ladies playing a game on Yahoo. She lives in IN and we are in NY - they ended up talking a lot on the phone while at work. Granted they never met, but I talked to her after she had called our house and I heard them talking. He asked her not to contact her anymore and she promised me she wouldn't. I called a week later to check and I asked her if it was hard not to contact him and she said it was very hard at first. So the connection was made between them, but he swears he wasn't doing anything wrong - she was going through a tough time in her marriage and she confided in him. He told her I packed my bags and moved out, which I didn't, so she felt comfortable calling our house to chat.<P>Ugh!<P>LK