H has had an EA with a co worker (they are "friends" with a "work relationship"). Two days ago she quit. The Corp that owns their small manufacturing plant stated that "big changes" were coming and job discriptions would change. Both H and OW felt sure their jobs would end. H will quit on Monday, and already has another job that will start on Wed. He will work short weeks, can pretty much design his own work week and will spend some time on the road, selling. <BR>The relief I feel must be obvious. The new employer is a Christian and says he has been praying and that H was sent to him. <BR>OW says she will wait and look for employment in a couple weeks. I will approach H with suggestion that he tell me if there is any contact.<BR>H seems relaxed already and called me multiple times yesterday to tell me of the day's events. He wouldn't have done that if OW had been in the office...she would have gotten the "updates" and he may not have even told me unless I asked. I really believe he was feeling most discomfort with this situation because I kept insisting was too involved, and he kept insisting it was work related. H said he did not want her to know what we were going through, but I feel she knew all along, and just disregarded my feelings. H going though MLC caused him many moods and mental anguish associated with MLC, but he insists an affair was never a reality. <BR>Here is a situation I would like some feed back about... even though this won't happen again, it is still recent enough to cause me to wonder.<BR>10 days ago H worked late with OW. He asked me to come and be in the office and that we would go to dinner after 7. I told him I would feel like a babysitter and didn't like being put into that position just because he couldn't commit to his promise of no one on one with OW. He called to see what I was going to do and suggested I meet him after work for supper. I told him if he didn't want me there, then I didn't need to drive down there for supper. He called a couple times asking me to come and finally told me there was some office work I could help with, and I agreed to go there. <BR>When I got there, there wasn't anything for me to do. H and OW were at a table doing paperwork. I stood around and then sat in the same area, but not close. H asked if I wanted to play a game and I said OK. H then said "How about Hide and Seek" and OW said something and they laughed. I later find out that she said "Oh, that's cruel". <BR>H got some game up on another computer in the main office and I was there until 7, we ate, then back there until 9, when H and OW went to a different area in the office. I couldn't see or hear (I am hearing impaired) H and OW the rest of the night, except for occasional laughing, and finally decided I was being just too stupid and walked out the door to my car. H followed me out and said he would be only 10 more min, but was another hour. Later H said they never did get the computer they were working on to perform it's task, and OW would call the girl that usually does that work in the morning for help. I asked why they didn't call her right away, he didn't know. It took two days for the OW to contact this person and two more days for her to come in and reformat the program, so what was the urgency in working that night? Was I there just to be humiliated? <BR>We talked to therapist about this and he questioned H for some time about my feelings and his inablity to understand them. H, at that time was defensive (as he has been the past few visits) There had been loads of pressure at work lately and I feel H was trying so hard to work on problems there as well as at home, that he just couldn't cope.<BR> <BR>What do you think of that one incident? I felt like it was "them against me" as I had felt another time when H didn't want me to go with him on a Saturday, but I insisted,... then he didn't want to go to office, but I insisted, and sure enough her car was the only one there; H knew she was going to work. That was a major LB for me. When we went into the office that day, H stood by OW and faced me with almost comtempt... I got the same feeling of them being a unit, as I did during the evening in the office, and I the difinite intruder. <BR>Thanks for input, though things do look like there may be a positive ending, I am not going to give up this site. I have found way too much help here. Thanks L <BR>

Lad,<P>The incicent didn't sound so good...<P>...but it is one of many you're going to have to put behind you...<P>...obsessing over what was... isn't going to help recovery.<P>Forgeting is the hard part...<BR>...start off with forgiving.<P> <P>Jim

LAD, I remember your story all to well, and I remember having that same feeling of being the third wheel.<P>You know, your H sounds a lot like mine in the way he handles this relationship. I have come to the conclusion that because my H lacks empathy (at least with me), he really and truly had no concept of either how abnormally close he was with Dragon Lady or why their interaction would offend me. Now, in hindsight, I look at things he did that gave me that "They're a unit" feeling, and think it really was caused by BRAIN DAMAGE!! as Bill Cosby used to say. <P>We had a BBQ at our house in 1999, as some of you may remember, where the guests were his co-workers, my co-workers, and our neighbors. You can guess how traumatic this was for me. And not only did my H not interact with anyone other than his co-workers until they all went home, he actually was going to take DL up to our bedroom -- alone -- because she wanted to see our cats, who were closed up in there. Yeah, right. And then he walked her out to her car and was out front for 30 minutes. During that time, my boss was getting ready to leave, and I stalled them until H got back, so he wouldn't see anything that I feared was going on. <P>It was miserable.<P>These guys get an emotional dependency on these women, and I think no matter how much they INTEND to change their ways, as long as they're in regular contact, they really can't -- unless hit over the head with a sledgehammer, which I ultimately did in the form of a 2-page letter.<P>LAD, what this episode told you is that you can't "police" him. He intended the invitation to you as a way of soothing your fears, but he's so wrapped up in the EA with this woman (unbeknownst even to him, I suspect) that he absolutely CANNOT SEE what it did to you. <P>I used to go to the office with my H on Saturdays when he went, because I felt if I went with him, I'd know he was at the office instead of seeing Dragon Lady. It took me a year to finally let that go. <P>I don't know if the therapist talking about your H's "inability to understand your feelings" in marriage counseling is that great an idea. It looks as if he/she is taking sides. I've gone through all this stuff too, and that kind of empathy is something you have to learn as a child, and many people don't. My H sighed and mourned when Dragon Lady's cat died, but couldn't muster up enough empathy to understand my feelings because his "friendship" gave him too much gratification. You can't change that, IMHO.<P>That your H is going to a new job helps. It will reduce the contact, though it probably won't eliminate it entirely. My H stopped working with Dragon Lady in August 1998 and his friendship was still there a year later. I believe she too is now at another job (she was working for one of his company's vendors, and indeed, got him the interview for the job), and we have not heard from her, at least not at home, for months. <P>I can't sweat it if he is in e-mail contact occasionally. After all, she was his boss and he may need the reference someday. But I feel strongly that now that he's getting what he needs at home (which is lots of attention and affection), the contact, if it is there, isn't fraught with as much meaning).<P>Sit tight, LAD. Keep Plan-A'ing. It may take time, but I suspect Giggle-Woman will fade away too.

Dear LAD<P>Very happy for you that you are facing more positivity in your life.<P>I will pray for you.<P>God Loves You<BR>weep

Thanks Jim, DaC and Weep.<P>OW called our home Saturday and wanted H to meet her at the office so she could get some personal things she had left. He asked me to go with him and we took Great Grandson. It went well, and I stayed with OW and H while she got her things. <P>I hope there will be no contact after this, but I want to ask H is a none LB way to tell me if there is... any way to do that? <BR>H is at his new office today and called to ask me to lunch. He was very nervous Saturday but on Sunday had calmed himself and feels this will work out for the best. <BR>I was a little anxious yesterday, but H said not to be, everything will be fine. He asked me to travel with him when he goes for 5 days next week. He is more attentive and does not avoid my eyes now, but no intimacy, just cuddling. I think that is okay for now, with all the changes and since I do see him "coming back" to me. <BR>I haven't had the nerve to tell H that if he thinks his new employer was praying for this, he has no idea how I was praying for H not to work with OW anymore! <BR> Thanks for your concern, and suggestions. L

No, there is no non-LB way to ask. And what will asking do, really? What's to keep him from lying if there is contact, just to avoid a hassle with you? Others here may disagree, but I think that in your situation, asking is a futile way of trying to feel control over a situation over which you have none. <P>It sounds like you and H are making progress. Keep up the Plan A stuff. That he wants you to go with him on his business trip is a GIANT reassurance. Focus on that. Do not dwell on whether he has contact. Trust me; if you handle things right, even if there is contact, it won't last long and it won't have significance.

Ooze joy of life from every pore on that 5 day trip - it is infectious!