Hi,<P>Been separated going on 6 mos the 29th of this month. So, now for some reason ... my thoughts seem to guide me where I'm only thinking about good times w/my H. Such good memories that hurt so bad because I miss them and I'm so very sad and scared they'll never be a part of my life again. <P>For my own sanity, I try to force myself to remember the several months of bad .. the lies, the blame, the meaness, the indifference ... but those memories aren't as present and clear as the good times.<P>I don't understand why all these "pretty" thoughts are with me now, what part of this rollercoaster ride is this???<P>Anyone else that's been separated experiencing the same?<P>Prayers,<BR>Jo <P>------------------<BR>Josie_Res@Hotmail.com<P>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited October 14, 2000).]

'morning Jo,<P>Our minds are funny things aren't they.<P>While my father was alive, we had a very turbulent relationship...very. I got to the point where just seeing him would make me crazy. We were just alike, and talk about fighting! I was the only one in our family who could stand up to him...and I did.<P>But it's funny now, he's been dead for 6 years, that I only remember our good times. I think about him often, always in ways that make me smile. I tell my kids funny stories about him, and have even made comments about how great my childhood was. I thought it sucked at the time.<P>It is a testement to how our minds work I think. We want to remember good...all of us do. It was built into us before we were even born. It's what keeps us going, plugging away every day. It's something I like about life...kind of a miracle.<P>It's typical for us WS to go back through pictures, videos, our memory banks, to give ourselves proof that yes, we were happy, there were wonderful times...our spouses may not take those away from us, no matter what they say or do. I want proof, iron clad proof, that my marriage was not a sham. I've got it, in the poem he wrote me, the anniversary cards he sent me, the children he gave me, the way he used to look at me. I will not allow this situation to rob me of my life, as I knew it.<P>You protect your wonderful memories. It is what has stopped you from becoming bitter. It is what enables you to get up and go on every day. It is what keep you a positive person that can come to these boards every day and help others. <P>I will never say that my marriage was a lie. It's easy to fall into that trap, but for me it was real. No one, ever will take that away from me.<P>allison

I'm a BS, and although there is resent and disgust built up inside me over what my wife is doing, knowing that what they are experiencing is not really who they want to be, and they don't see themselves for what they are right now. I'm having a hard time articulating that. But you know what I mean, I'm sure. So my point is that I manage to Plan A and be nice, and the best I can be, probably in part because I remember what we had, rather than what exists now.

<BR>Hi Jo:<P>I would say that Plan B is working...perserving the love you have for your H while he continues his madness with OW. Time and distance do make a difference in how we feel...the pain lessens...and the good memories can return. Don't forget it is probably the same way for him, too.<P>Separation from my h has given me a ittle time to think too, and I find myself thinking about that young golden-haired boy I married years ago, those beautiful babies, and those early years when our lives were so busy and happy....and to wonder where it all went wrong. And I think...this is the way I want to remember H...not like the cruel, selfish creature he has become in the last few years....and so I shall...and I think it will help me get through all this.<P>So go back and rejoice in those memories...they'll reinforce your love for him and perhaps sustain it through the difficult days ahead.<P>Love and Prayers,<P>Faye <P><BR>

Thank you Allison, Rick and Buffy,<P>I'm trying to push those good memories aside because I feel a different kind of hurt when I let them in. It's a longing and pineing kind of hurt, where I want to contact H and talk with him, I want to tell him how much I still love him and miss him, mostly I just want to talk with him and hear his voice, feel his closeness. What a romantic I am.<P>Time sure can make a difference in a person's feelings and thinking. If this is what I feel like at the six month mark, I wonder where I'll be in a year.<P>I also wonder what he is feeling, if anything. Sometimes I think he's forgotten all about me and has his new family and life which is fullfiling all of his needs. I start thinking about how he may laugh and smile with OW, where those emotions use to be mine. I wonder if he feels real happiness now ... without me in his life.<P>I've stopped taking my meds, almost a week now. Was taking buspar and visiril. I just felt it was time, but in the last few days I've been nastalgic and a bit depressed. I know that buspar is for anxiety and I think visiril is for managing emotions, so maybe I'm just going thru withdrawal. Don't know.<P>If I keep feeling this depressed I may start taking them again. I'd just like to be as strong as I can on my own steam for a change, but I do know it may not be just the right time.<P>My biggest fear right now is opening the mail box when I get home one day and finding D papers in the mail. I wince every time I open the mail box and there's some official looking envelope in there. I don't know if I can handle something like that. I think I'd fold for good if that happened.<P>Thank you Alli..gator, Buffy and Rick for responding. I don't know what I would do without you guys. I can't imagine I would have ever survived without finding this board to support and help me. I know I've been blessed and God must have lead me here.<P>Bless you guys,<BR>Joanne<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited October 15, 2000).]

hey Jo,<P>It does all get to us doesn't it? I don't know if I would choose to go off my Prozac right now. I think it's really helped me stay sane during an insane time.<P>You are missing him so much right now. God, I know how it feels. Lonliness is something I never really experienced, but as much as I surround myself with people it never really goes away. I'll tell ya what...pack up and move in with me, there are usually about 10 teenagers at my house at all times. Right now there are 5 sleeping on the floor as I type. Still, I long for arms around me.<P>Jo, my biggest fear also is getting divorce papers. That's why I avoid H like the plague these days. If I don't talk to him at all, he can't ask me for a divorce. Some Plan B, huh? I do feel like he will seek out a divorce, and like you, I just don't know how I will handle that emotionally. I mean, I've been to the point lately where I just want to move away, and have even thought a lot about ending my life. Don't worry, please, we all have those thoughts...I am not goint to do that.<P>Is your H still trying to concact you? When was the last time he called? Did you even send a Plan B letter? You know Jo, you did a great Plan A. Go to my thread about firestorms post and read what Terri said about plan a/b. Makes a whole lot of sense.<P>Honey, weekends are hard, I know. I obsess constantly about where he is, what he's doing, and with who. It doesn't help that he calls me at work every day once or twice. I've got to tell him to stop doing that, because I'm wrecked for the day once I speak with him. Jo, he's doing some really nasty stuff now...I don't know why. He's sending me bills that he knows I have no way of paying. A lot of his resentment about the marriage is that he always paid all the bills, and I never worried about money at all. I need to try to understand that this is his way of getting back at me for that. I have to grow up and accept responsibility for this part of life.<P>I didn't mean to turn this post into my problems...I tend to do that I know. <P>Please think about going back on the meds, at least the anti-d. Buspar is a beta blocker isn't it? Were you having heart palipitaions, anxiety attacks? Maybe your doc could take you off the buspar, but keep you on the anti-d. Are you talking to a therapist, Jo. I found a wonderful one, and am taking the kids to her next week. She is really going to help me I think. But please, don't go off your meds without talking to your doc. I did that once with a tranquilizer years ago and sent myself into a huge withdrawl.<P>Ok, enough of my ranting. You are a beacon here for so many Jo. I wish there was something I could do to help you, as you've helped so many of us. You are a wonderful, intellegent person with so many gifts. Please remember that, and remember, this is your husbands journey...remember that poem.<P>...and I have promises to keep<BR>and miles to go before I sleep<BR>and miles to go before I sleep.<P>Robert Frost I think. <P>Take care hon.<P>allison jo

Thanks so much Allison,<P>Believe me ... I've many many times thought about moving. I can literally move anywhere in the world thru Intel relo package. They even have a Plant in AZ. Very sweet of you to ask me to come live ... it's very tempting and who knows... one day I may show up on your door step. Altho .. I am told I can't run away from my probs ... I have to face them .. but for how MANY years is my question.<P>I too have contemplated ending my life ... I did try it once, last Easter Sunday. H was still living w/me and it was the peak of all badness at that time. He never knew. I just felt in the way and wanted to disappear, it felt like it would be easier than taking any more emotional abuse or pain. I got thru it... and I was glad I wasn't successful ... but there still are times I feel pretty low. I believe God would forgive me ... but I have to remind myself that He wouldn't allow this to happen to me unless He thought I was strong enough to get thru it. BOY, He sure thinks alot of me.<P>Allison, you have your kids who need you so very much. They will need you throughout their life .. you must know how important mom's are. My mom and I had no relationship until this A started, I called her crying after 15 years of no contact. She was there for me and I love her for that. She didn't hesitate loving and helping me. God Bless her for that and God Blessed me for having the courage to call her. I feel like I can tell her anything and she'll still love me. So ... you need to hang here on earth for your kids Allison because no matter how old they are or how far away they may seem at the time, you are their momma and they will always need you, even when they're 45. <P>I haven't had contact from Steve in 2 months. I think he knows his sister is telling me the things he's telling her, filtered info and untruths. He hasn't tried to contact me at all. Guess it's a good thing because I don't want to listen to his "dukey" (love you and I miss you), it spirals me right into heavy depression.<P>I'll go and read Terri's post, thanks for telling me about it.<P>Yeah, week-ends are very hard STILL. I've had a type of bandaid lately to help with the loneliness, I was sort of seeing someone, but it's not heavy and I'm so guarded I tend to push them away ... I want them to want me and love me like I wish my H did. But so very afraid of being hurt. So I reel them in and then push them away. I'm causing myself more pain by allowing any kind of potential love relationship to exist, I know it, but I'm doing it anyway. I know I should end it. Just can't bring myself to do it. I'm so so lonely. And being desired and paid attention to is an incredible sense of euphoria, sound familiar???<P>I didn't initiate this relationship ... but I certainly am participating and encouraging it. What should I do, Allison??? I don't want to hurt anyone and more importantly ... I don't want this to be something else I have to survive.<P>Thank you for caring about me, Allsion. I don;t know how you can stay in constant contact w/H everyday at work, I couldn't take talking to my H every day at work like you do. I'm sorry he's being so nasty to you ... maybe he's strugglying with his guilt and your getting the results ... meaness ... BTDT, it's horrible to have them be mean to you AND continue to betray you. Double injury. What a nightmare this is. Never thought I'd be here again ... and I'm so sorry you're being hurt this way too. <P>Please take care of yourself and keep remembering the "I GOT IT" post you posted, it inspired me so much, but only because it is so true. They're not doing this to us, they are strugglying with their own demonds and hurting us is just a by-product. They're not doing this deliberatly to us.<P>Much Love and Prayers for you and kids, Allison. Can't wait until January in AZ!!!<P>Love,<BR>Jo

My mother says that nothing improves the reputation better than death. So it seems your perception of this relationship. I understand entirely how you feel. When H and I separated, I could hardly wait for him to come home. When he got here, it didn't take long for those horrible memories to come spewing out my mouth like the morning after eating mayonnaise that had set out too long. I just couldn't stop it and knew it had to come out before I could feel better. It made me crazy. I thought I wanted him back here just to do this? It made/makes both of miserable. The best thing for me to do in times like these (and I live there some weeks! Yikes! Oh those psycho days!) is to write out my feelings, make lists, and most importantly pray, pray, pray. Today's sermon was about praying the scriptures. I think Psalms is a wonderful place to start. David had these problems too and God gave us this for comfort and guidance. I wish you well and know where you are. Bless your heart.

Am Hurt,<P>I needed that...a laugh. Loved that saying, I'd never heard it before, nothing improves a relationship better than death. Must remember that. I'm glad you posted because what has happened to you is very interesting. Do you think things would have gone better if your husband had been gone longer? Have you been able to hold back the LB's? Does he take it, feeling he deserves it? I know, so many questions.<P>Jo,<P>You know, I am probably going to get flamed for this, but I remember last summer when one poster (forgot who it was) was being pursued by a nice man. He was lovely to her at a time when her husband was being really a complete jerk. You would have thought she was doing something horrible by the responses she got. I don't think I posted, but I'd sit here with my mouth hanging open feeling sorry for her...she had found a little joy in her life...Thank God, and I say...go for it honey.<P>Yep, Not the stuff of MB. NSR, and all the other experts would not agree with me, but who says that God did not send her this man to get her through the mess. Yep, again, dangerous stuff, but Jo, you and I are not kids...we know the consequences of doing wrong (boy, do we). If you're afraid of hurting a friend, I admire that. Just be honest with him about where your relationship is...and enjoy being pursued.<P>I know you're afraid of being hurt, we all are. I know you still love Steve. As long as this person pursuing you knows that too, I don't see what is so wrong with seeing him as a freind for now. I don't think you seem all that needy, and are putting out those kind of vibes.<P>Thanks for the encouragement. It helped me a bunch to be reminded of the "I got it" post...somewhere it leaked out for a while, but I'm gonna get it again. And don't worry, I am not going to do anything stupid. My kids need me, and I need them. I scared myself a bit with those thoughts, but I really am feeling better.<P>Thanks .... take care of you!<P>allison<BR>