Unlike many affairs described on this forum, my wife (WS) and OM (WS best friend's H) didn't seem to acknowledge their mistake at all after the initial discovery - and did a very poor job of deception. Instead they went into big time denial, but finally admitted to being "in love." OM told his family to accept it - it's a done deal. OM's W is not capable of Plan A. We went to one counseling session where my wife claimed to separate our marriage problems from her "friendship" with OM, claiming she's been miserable for years. I've been in plan A for several months, but she moved out and pursued legal separation. OM also moved out, but they're not living together. She still hides affair and spends quite a bit of time with me and our son. We agreed to 50/50 custody. Once in a while there's a glimmer of Plan A effectiveness, but either the fog is still very thick or she's well on her way to an exit - not necessarily with OM - she claims she will never marrry again. She also has unresolved grief from loss of our younger son (8/99) and maybe is in whopper MLC. Any advice on distinguishing an "exit" affair from one more recoverable?<P>WAT

WAT,<BR>That's a good question. After discovery my now x never really tried to hide things. She said they were going to give us respective spouses (om was married too) 3 months for the marriages to improve. She never really lied about affair or really tried to cover it up. Only time she lied was with some facts about om and time she was having him around our kids.<P>We went to a counselor once. She wouldn't stop affair and moved out. We tried to reconcile again. We went to counselor twice.<BR>Third attempt at reconciliation lasted about 5 hrs. Fourth attempt lasted about a week and 2 visits to a third counselor.<P>It seems she never really had her heart in reconciliation. My counselor called it an exit affair. She gave me all the same lines, I haven't been happy, I'm no longer in love with you, etc. and now I believe it. Add to this a MLC.<P>So I don't know if you can tell the difference or do anything different. I guess a one night stand would be recoverable and a regular affair may be recoverable if it is true the spouse deep down wants to stay in the marriage.

Try this site, maybe it will help you distinguish the type of affair your spouse is having. Answer the assessments first, then read the description of the type of affair it may be.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.affairs-help.com/1FiveTypes.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.affairs-help.com/1FiveTypes.html</A> <P>Hope it helps.<P>Many Tears

Sorry, here is the assessment questionnaire.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.affairs-help.com/assess.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.affairs-help.com/assess.html</A>