Ok, <BR>here is my tough question for the day....<P>we are in "recovery" (I think anyway) in counseling, and still not communicating very well. We talk about once a week about how we are doing.<P>My wife (WS) told the counsler last week that she was brought up in a family that problems were just not discussed, that if you ignored them they would eventually go away.... So you can imagine that me bringing up touchy issues can easily be a LB! So I tread very lightly.<P>I have really concentrated on myself the last 9 weeks, with some amazing results, and now I have 3 things that I want to tell my wife, but don't know how....<P>1. that I am starting to trust her again. I actually told her this in counseling last week, so I guess I only have 2 things LOL<P>2. That I have found God (this one she may never believe, and may think that I am only saying this to "fix" things)<P>3. That I forgive her (again Mr. fixit problem....)<P>My initial thought is to spread this out over several weeks, and not hit her with it all at once, it would just be too unbelieveable for her. but I really want her to know these things, they are important!<P>What do you think??<P>thanks,<BR>Mike

Had12many -<P>Hey, as a WS, I would love to hear the things that you had to say. Tell her that you trust her - you don't need to wait on that one - and tell her often. . .<P>Tell her that you found God, but really, that relationship is between you and God. You don't need to "prove" to her that you've found God. . .I think it will show, and probably has been showing through your actions.<P>Forgiveness, that was the best gift that my H gave me this year, well, it's the best gift he's given me - ever! If your wife is sorry for all the pain she's caused you, or if she's sorry about the affair and has asked for your forgiveness, I would tell her that you forgive her. . .That is so important to recovery - that she knows that you forgive her.<P>Now the only thing about the forgiveness issue - if she doesn't think that she did anything wrong, or if she doesn't feel like she needs to "be forgiven," she may resent you telling her "I forgive you." But if she has asked for forgiveness - for anything, I would tell her that you forgive her.<P>That's a great step forward for you - that you are willing to forgive. I think the sooner you tell her, the better, but you know what's best. For me, as a WS, I know that I would (and did) absolutely feel 100% better when my H said that he forgave me. . .I wouldn't wait on telling her that. . .but just be sure that you HAVE forgiven her. You cannot unforgive someone, so just make sure that you are eady to forgive and she is willing to accept that forgiveness. <P>You cannot make your wife believe you, but I think she'd like to hear it anyway. Also, I just wanted to say how much I admire your willingness to forgive. . .I know that you are just starting down the road to recovery, but forgiveness is a very powerful thing - not only for your wife, but for you, too.

Well, <BR>heres an update:<P>First thank you SKM for your post, I was feeling what you said was true, but I was a little scared to talk to my wife.<P>Well last night, I told her that I forgive her, that I really forgive her. Her responce was "ok".<P>I feel a little hopeless because she is in control of the recovery, I have stated many times that I want us to stay together, and be stronger. so everything is now her decision, at her pace. it can be very heartbreaking sometimes.<P>I asked her last night how she was doing emotionally, she said that she is tired, she has been working alot lately, on different shifts, and she said that she has not really thought about "us" for a few days. WOW, must be nice to be able to just not think about it (a little vent there)<P>I know that I need to be patient, but as you all know, that can be very hard sometimes.<P>thanks for reading this.<P>Mike