Our 4th was this past weekend. We went to a nice bed and breakfast upstate. A gorgeous room in a gorgeous setting. The trees are in full leaf, there was a lake to row on, a jacuzzi big enough for two, etc, etc. I had given my W (the BS in our situation) a little package of things I knew she would like prior to our going up -- lotions, smelly stuff, candles, etc. I had made sure that there would be tulips (her favorite) in the room when we arrived.<P>In some ways, this anniversary was like the others we've celebrated, like so many of our times together have been. We drank champagne and wine, went out to nice restaurants some nights, and then some nights just ordered up some pizza and ate in our room in front of the fireplace. We took baths together, made love with an abandon that was almost unusual in intensity, laughed, talked a lot, and so forth.<P>And yet . . . <P>There were also times during the weekend when we were truly miserable. Times when I could tell that my W was "trying" to have a good time. Times when the contrast between THIS anniversary, and all the others we've had, was just too much to bear.<P>There were moments, especially on our last day, when I just couldn't take it, and sobbed on the pretty little sofa in the room. The sense of loss, of grieving, was almost overpowering. I could have had anniversaries with my W for years and years to come that were exactly like the first three -- filled with the same sweetness, and innocence, and love. Instead, I broke the promise that I made to her four years ago, and I can never take that back.<P>There will, we both fervently hope, be times in the future that are glad, that are filled with joy and simple delight in being together. In other words, we both hope and wish that we won't ALWAYS be miserable, won't CONSTANTLY be reminded of what's happened to us. And we both hope that we emerge from this somehow stronger for it, more sure of where we stand in our relationship with each other. We (particularly me) both hope that there might be trust, and fidelity, in our future together.<P>And yet . . . <P>We both know that something irretrievable has been lost. You can only promise that you will be someone's loving and faithful spouse, to the end of your days, once. When you break that promise, even if you end up renewing it or making it anew to another person, you'll always know that you've said it before, and failed to keep your word. Something light, and sweet, and easy, is gone from the relationship between my W and I, and it's never coming back. <P>Maybe it's genuinely unusual, even where there is NO A involved, for a couple to make it through their lives without hurting one another deeply. Maybe life just sort of does that to you. But we had an opportunity to be one of the rare couples, and I trashed it for both of us, for good.<P>I don't know if I'm really asking a question or soliciting comments here, though anyone who wishes to is welcome to respond. I'm just feeling pretty low and awful right now, wondering when things are going to get better, how much better I can hope that they'll get, whether anyone else has struggled with post-A anniversaries. Hope everyone's well. Take care.

Dear Taxman<P>The world does look different to your wife now. It looks diferent through your eyes as well. You feel her pain and she tries to not let you see her pain. ALl the more tragic because of the depth of the love and the will to keep the vows till death do us part. It is GONE, the sweet, magical feeling is now replaced by a harsh reality and suddenly the joy of life and its little musings vanished.<P>Perhaps the A made you realise the preciousness of your marriage and opened ALL of you to your wife and helped make you love her now more than any man can ever love her. If that is true, please let her know.<P>A sword was plunged into your old marriage and the wounds are real. What I was advised was to make God the center of my marriage so that He can move things and create another relationship from the ashes. I hope you find another quality in your marriage to replace the sweetness and innocence and purity of the pre-A times.<P>I know how your wife feels especially if she had enjoyed the golden years with you and now she is suddenly all broken inside. It will take time, and she may have to focus on other qualities other than love, trust and honour, although she would need evidence of these all the time. Now is the time for both of you to heal, and for you to do new things with her as well. Maybe learn ballroom dancing or jazz, kickboxing, painting, voluntary work (building projects, carpentry, etc.. THings that both of you can do as a couple and things that require physical activity and creativity, so that you are flushed with the excitement of new discoveries to overshadow the triggers of the past.<P>I really enjoyed reading your post because you have got value.<P>God Loves You<BR>weep

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally written by Taxman:<BR>We both know that something irretrievable has been lost. You can only promise that you will be someone's loving and faithful spouse, to the end of your days, once. When you break that promise, even if you end up renewing it or making it anew to another person, you'll always know that you've said it before, and failed to keep your word.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, this is very true. And, it hurts me to think that this is gone from my marriage too.<P>And yet, when you make that promise the first time, for many of us anyway, you are young and innocent...in many ways you do not fully understand the importance of what you promise. So, perhaps if you and your wife get to a point in recovery where you decide to renew your vows, it will be even more meaningful the second time.<P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi

Taxman -<P>My 4-year anniversary will Nov. 2, and I feel the same way that you do, and I'm sure my H feels the same way as your wife. I hate what I did to "scar" my marriage. . .I thought we were different - that we would live happily ever after. . .An affair, well, it's like you said, it feels like I trashed my vows, that I broke my promise, and I do have to live with that forever.<P>When I start to feel sad about my upcoming anniversary, I think about all the good times we had prior to the affair, and it's kind of bittersweet right now. But you know and I know we cannot change what happened. And maybe other married couples go on for years - never having to deal with infidelity and we consider them the few lucky ones - they truly love each other and have held on to their vows in good times and in bad times. <P>Yes, we broke that vow, but sometimes I think I am luckier than those couples that have never experienced infidelity. . .Not that I wish this on anyone, but, yes I did a horrible thing, but my H still loves me, and I still love him.<P>We could have gone our separate ways, but we didn't. . .we are sticking together. . .and maybe the reward will be a stronger, happier marriage. Maybe in the future, the affair will serve as a turning point where we both decided to remain married - when we each had our reasons to leave. . .It's like we chose "us" despite the odds, and maybe that makes our marriages worth savoring and appreciating even more. . .<P>Now, I'm not saying that I love my H anymore than someone who has been married for a long time - without having an affair - but at least now I REALLY appreciate my H for who he is. . .and my goal is to beat the odds - to survive inspite of the infidelity.<P>Several times I've read - where infidelity is involved only 17% of the marriages survive beyond three years. That means 83% of marriages involving infidelity do not survive. Again, I don't wish this on anyone, but if my H and I are among that 17% who do survive this, I can only speculate that we will be very proud of our marital relationship.<P>Yes, I screwed up, but it doesn't mean that my marriage is a failure. . .I think out of all of this, you and I have a deeper appreciation for our spouses. I can honestly say that I love my H more now than I did on the day that I married him - why? Because he stood by me when I was at my lowest point, he was willing to forgive and move forward. I don't know what kind of marriage we would have had if the infidelity would have never occurred - maybe we would have gone along not knowing that things could be better, maybe we would have continued to drift apart - remaining married just because it was comfortable.<P>I look at it that I chose my H and he chose me again. . .The first time we were head over heals in love and that made our wedding day special. Now, we chose each other when times were rough, when we weren't sure. I think it says a lot about us and our spouses. So, yeah, I can understand how you feel about leaving a "mark" on your marriage, but marks don't make something less attractive - it just gives it more character. And it can make a life-long marriage even sweeter. Believe me, I know that is difficult to see know, but maybe its possible.<P>I think it's hard at first to get past those negative feelings about the affair - it happened and you cannot change that. But I hope that anniversaries become more sweeter with the passage of time. But try to look at it as positive. . .that you all went through he-- and back, and you're still together. Be proud of that. Yeah, many marriages aren't tested like that, and I wish mine hadn't been tested, but we will make it and you can't throw that accomplishment away. . .<P>I know this is a really bad analogy, but its like the people who compete in the special olympics, just because they need a wheel chair to cross the finish line, or maybe they don't swim as fast or run as fast - it doesn't make their victories any less significant. If anything, it shows their ability to beat the odds, to endure and perservere when - maybe - everyone else had given up on them. Their disabilities did not stop them from achieving really great and remarkable accomplishments. <P>I think, in the end, it's not who finishes the race the fastest, or finishes with the greatest style or ease - I think it's just a matter of finishing the race that's important. So, don't get discouraged, look forward, be proud of yourselves for making it this far. <P>

Weep: Thanks very much for the sympathetic ear, it helped. I think you're right that my W needs "evidence" of fidelity, trust, caring, etc. Probably like most men, I'm not exactly a master of the small gesture, the little thing to let her know I've been thinking about her. I DO think about her pretty much all the time, but she's having difficulty believing that since the A, and needs to see the little gestures. Even then, she can tell that I'm "trying" -- that it isn't coming as second nature, and THAT is painful for her. I do sometimes wish I were a more religious man (I'm really not at all, nor is my W). In times like these, I know that believing in a higher power, something that was watching over you, would be a comfort. Thanks again.<P>kam: I know what you mean about not fully appreciating what you were promising. Either I'm exceptionally immature, or my W is exceptionally mature. We weren't exactly kids when we got married, but she had really thought through a lot of issues that I'm still grappling with. Strange that it's only in the breaking of the promise that you realize how important it is.<P>SKM: Thanks especially for your post. You always take such time and effort on them, and I had a feeling that you'd be able to relate, at least a little bit, to what I was going through. And I laughed at the "special olympics" analogy. Somehow, that seems entirely appropriate for how I've been feeling about my emotional and mental "wholeness" these days. I'm hoping that our anniversaries can become sweeter with the passage of time, but only time will tell, I suppose. Thanks again, best of luck to you and your spouse.