My fiancee had an affair 4 months before our wedding date. We continued to live together and tried to work through our issues, but ended up postponing the wedding. She has not been able to let go of OM. He live in another State and they mostly talk on the phone. She sees him only once a month. She has moved out physically and is living at a girlfriends house. She talks about finding an apartment, but hasn't been looking too hard and still has all her stuff at my house. She has asked me to take care of her dog and comes by twice a day to pick up and drop off the dog. She is ambivalent but is telling me she has asked for this reprieve so that she can see if there is anything there with OM. She met OM on a business trip just in a restaurant. She says it's not just physical and I think she has told him and others that she is "In love with him". She still loves me and will not say that we are over for sure. She just needs to go with her feelings right now and "see". I'm plan A'ing big time. Helping her with the dog, inviting her over for dinner, etc... She had said once "Why aren't you fighting for me". So I am just trying. This thing started in June. She moved out at the end of August. The other night she was over and we even fooled around a bit. She won't kiss me and has told me she was going to see him this weekend. I've asked her not to go and tried to get her to stay with me or go away with me. She says it's tempting but she wants to go. She says maybe in the future we can go. Should I keep going with Plan A? It seems to be working, she is laughing and having fun with me, but she is still planning on going to see OM. When should I switch. She doesn't want to lose me. She knows there are some other women interested in me but I tell her that I love her and want it to work out. Any advice? We had gone to counseling during the whole deal, but now that she has decided to see OM and moved out we have not gone. I have admitted my role and have vowed to change. She has not really expressed any feelings that what she did was wrong or that she is sorry. She appears to be very selfish right now and is having her cake and eating it too. She doesn't want to lose me, but also "needs to see him for her". Great.

Hi Lipton:<P>Boy, get out and run like he!! away from this woman. I know you think you love her but in a way she's doing you a favor because if there is any doubt in her mind about how she feel about you now it will only get worse in the years to come...if you should decide to marry.<P>Marriage is for a lifetime and it's hard enough if you start out madly in love...don't give your marriage a bad start by one of you being unsure. Don't wait until you have two kids to divide up.<P>You need to begin the process of moving on with your life...and once she sees that her continued involvment with OM means that she will not have a place in your life any more, then maybe it will make her decide which of you is more important. It's much harder to do this once your life become entangled.<P>I know you probably won't take this advise, but I tried. <P>Faye

lipton,<P>You won't believe this, but you are sooo lucky. If your fiancee, can meet a man on a trip and fall madly in love with him, then you don't need her in your life. She has a lot of growing up to do and it shouldn't be at your expense.<P>You should use Plan A only to work on yourself and understand what you could of done better. Then go use the knowledge you have gained here on someone who deserves you.<P>lipton, I can say this to you for one simple reason. I was once where you are now. I was engaged and my fiancee wanted to run around. We broke up and in retrospect and with the hindsight of 25 years of marriage I can only say one thing. I WAS BLESSED BY GOD. <P>I loved that girl dearly, but she wasn't the right person for me. You are being given a message so don't blow it. If you leave now you will be saving a marriage, your own.<P>There is the right woman for you, in fact there are many right women for you. Take your time, learn from this experience, and find a woman that you can love and who loves you in return; this one does not.<P>I know this is marriagebuilders, and I'm sure you expected us to tell you what to do to get her back. But that is the point, this is marriagebuilders and everyone here would like to see you build a successful marriage from day one with the right woman. You haven't found her yet.<P>So my recommendation, is to go to your exfiancee, kiss her passionately, thank her profusely for doing what she has done, and then wish her the best of luck in her life. I know it will hurt, but lipton this one isn't for you.<P>God has blessed you, realize that.<P>JL<P>

Thanks Just Learning. <P>I didn't want to be the only one to tell Lipton this...but just had to say it...because it was too important...it had to be said. <P>I just hope he takes our advise.<P>Faye<P><BR>

buffy,<P>I sure do too. You were much gentler with him than I. So I hope that he will listen to you. He really doesn't know how lucky he is.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Thank you guys for your advice. I know you mean well. And as you guessed, I'm not ready to accept that yet. We've been together for six years and have lived together for five. It's as if we were married. I truly love her. I said some things that I'm not proud of that eroded her self esteem. I think she got nervous that this would continue and looked for a way to get out of the situation. Since then, during therapy I uncovered why I did that and have worked on solving it. She has seen the changes but is now in the fog about this other guy. She says she can't see not being with me but feels like she needs to make sure. She was 22 when she met me and is now 28. I'm 10 years older. I think she also felt like she was always doing things my way. I am hoping we can both grow from this. It is just hard when she feels she needs to see this other guy. What are the chances of their relationship working out? It's not like we are going to rush out and get married, don't worry. I just want her to come back and let us work on our relationship. If it doesn't seem to be working or if we can't get passed this, we will move on. But I'm hoping that we will both learn and grow from this and we can be stronger. Given that, should I continue with plan A? She is going to see him this weekend and I'm not sure what I should do when she gets back. Thanks for the advice.

I suggest you read the stuff on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5510_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Living Together Before Marriage</A> on this site.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Thanks for the site. It is interesting as I think some of the things that I did to lead to this affair are right on. As a guy, I felt that we were pretty much married when I gave her the ring. I think I slacked off a bit and started to be "brutally honest" with her. Major LBs. This didn't help. Now I'm trying to build this back up. She seems ambivalent, but is still deadset on seeing him. As I mentioned she only sees him once a month and recently we have been "dating". She won't let me kiss her but lets me giver her back rubs and we even fooled around a bit the other night. I think she is in a deep fog, but trying to figure it out. I just get worried that when she goes to see him she'll move in the other direction. What should I do when she gets back. It will be awkward, but should I just keep being the great guy and pretend nothing happened? Should I contact her or wait for her to contact me?