I am so frustrated with my wife's continued denial that there's an affair. I have recent hard evidence that I don't want to reveal and lots of circumstantial evidence, not to mention her admission that she was "in love" with him back in July. Today she tells me again the "just friends" excuse, but I responded that I know that's not true in as gentle way that I could. She and OM have both moved out, so Plan A is tough, but in progress. What to do? Wait for her to admit it to herself?<P>WAT<p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited October 17, 2000).]

WorthATry,<P>I'm sticking my neck out here, but if your W admits that there is an A, then that means she knows she's doing something "wrong" -- breaking her vows. And if she knows she's doing something "wrong" then she needs to make it "right" and behave in a way that upholds her vows. This would mean confessing to you and ending the A. Since she is not ready to do what she knows is right, and since she is not willing to end the A, she denies TO HERSELF and to you that it is "wrong." <P>Don't forget, a lot of A's are not physical affairs (PA). There are also emotional affairs (EA) wherein the spouse begins to enjoy the company of another person and get their emotional needs (EN) met by the other person. There may be no sex involved, but I will bet you money, there is an EA going on!!<P>What to do? Well, she has already moved out, so whether or not she "admits" the A right now is somewhat irrelevant. Right now, you need to work on becoming the man and husband you know God intends for you to be. You know that deep down you are kind, loving, gentle, thoughtful, fun to be with, a haven from the ravages of day-to-day life, affectionate, funny, pleasant to talk to, open and honest, willing to share, appreciative, sexy and WOW! Right? Or do you see one or two areas that you could improve slightly? Do you see one or two areas that you have neglected and hurt your wife? Do you see one or two areas that you know are in there, but you never let out? THIS is Plan A! <P>Just my two cents worth,<P> CJ

Thanks, CJ - I have worked on the only two things she ever complained about - emotional outbursts (from being frustrated with our relationship), and more respect for our pre-teen son. Both have been successful - my son and I are closer than ever. But she's playing both sides of the fence right now. I know she's in a PA and she wants to finalize separation papers, but she also says she'll go to counseling "after she heals some more." Heals from what, I don't know. Suffice to say she's not being entirely forthcoming, to say the least. She is stubborn and has always been reluctant to admit a mistake - a perfectionist. So I'm plan A-ing with glimpses of effectiveness - typical roller coaster stuff. What a ride! This one has been a real mess - OM is her (former) best friend's husband and we all were very close during our other son's battle with cancer (OM and teenage son were pallbearers!). The other family is selfdestructing and it's, well, a mess.<P>WAT<P>WAT

I can't help much with this, other than to say that I am in much the same situation. I've confronted my wife a few times, but I've not wanted to reveal how I know so much. But I told her in a calm way what I know, that she loves OM, and how much time they spend together. She gets flustered and almost slips into admission, but ends up reverting to the "good friends" stuff. Regardless of what I say, she is clinging to the concept of me not really knowing the truth. It drives me crazy too. My wife, also back in July, mentioned that OM ("friend" of course) has said he was interested in her, and that she might be interested in him, but that he was forbidden to have anything to do with her (his parents). Now she even denies that she ever said she might be interested. Crazy.<P>I'm really sorry for the mess that you are in, and for the loss of your son. You do not need any of this after what you've been through already. I hope that your wife realizes what she is doing sooner than later, and wants to work on your marriage.<P>I guess all we can do is wait and hope they become honest with themselves first...I suppose that is the first step. Sounds like you are hanging in there, despite the frustration of it all. Take care and keep Plan Aing, even though it is difficult when apart.<p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited October 17, 2000).]