A little background information here. <BR>I'm not married, but my fiance' (I'm not sure we can even call ourselves that anymore) and I met almost 6 years ago. <P>During that time, we started off as friends and I was friends with her husband as well. I knew from the 1st time I ever saw her that I loved her and she fell in love with me then as well. But she was committed to her marriage and I kept a "hands off" attitude. <P>Over the coarse of the next year and a half, things between her husband and her grew worse and they decided to get married. We'd grown much closer than ever before by then. One night at a mutual friends house, she told me she loved me, and I admitted the same to her. <P>Around a month later, we were together and her divorce almost complete. All this time, we talked about EVERYTHING together. Anything and everything for hours on end. Life was great. <P>She had a 3 year old daughter from a previous relationship (not from her Ex-Husband) and I took her in as my own daughter. <P>We moved about 1200 miles away so she could be close to her mother, whom she'd hardly ever seen in her life. 2 weeks after moving, we found out she was pregnant (with our son), but we were happy about that. Over the next 4 months or so, we had our fights, but they were few and far between. We then decided to move back into the area we now live in and I was going to go back to school and get some type of college education. <P>We moved into my parents house to help us get started and to relieve alot fo the financial burdens that come with starting out. <P>Now, looking back, I know I thought I was ready to be a father, lover, friend, partner and future husband, but I know I wasn't ready. But still, I persisted. <P>I was 22 years old on the outside and still a 15 year old on the inside. I wanted to have fun, run around with my friends till all hours of the night and do whatever I pleased. Sure, every now and then I did some "family" things together, but I was sorely lacking in my own personal "want" to make that huge leap in commitment. <P>Over the next few years, we did make a few, albeit minor, strides forward as a couple, but still, I was seriously lacking in that department. <P>About a year ago, she told me she was through and wanted out. I promised change and she believed me. Part of me was still not ready to change and I fell back into my old ways and played the "ignore until I feel like it" game. <P>Well, 6 months ago, it happened again, but this time, she'd gotten a loan from a bank and had boughten a house. Once again, she told me she was fed up and was leaving me. I promised change again. She was hesitant at first, but later believed me through my actions. The house needed much work done to it before anyone could move into it, so we worked on the house in our spare time. But once again, I started to feel "safe" and began to slack off in that department. Things were strained between us, but we were a little better off than in the past. <P>Well, I decided to really make the change about 2 weeks ago. When I mean make a change, I mean a COMPLETE change in who I am. Who I am as a person, a father, a lover, a friend. But she's so distant to me these days. At times, she does warm up to me, but after long talks with her, she tells me many things. Things like: <P>I'll only start working on our relationship, after I move into the new house. (of which I am not allowed to move into). <P>You have to EARN back what you've lost (i.e. Trust, Respect). <P>I'm still not sure of anything anymore. I'm trying SOOOOOOO hard here. I know it's only been 3 weeks worth of work. I'm currently seeing a counselor to find out as much as I can about myself. (Who I am, Why do I do the types of things that I do. How can I prevent them from happening again... and so on and so forth). <P>But the real kicker here, is what's got me VERY worried. About the same time things really started to go downhill, she started talking to a male co-worker of hers. She even got his email address to talk to him that way as well. I was so scared and paranoid, I snooped in her email and saw things that he would say like "I'm going hiking this weekend, really wish you could come..." and she'd reply back like "I really wish I could come, but I'm just too busy..." I was NEVER mentioned in those emails, her and I's relationship was NEVER mentioned. Any time we worked on the house and she mentioned it to him in an email, she would always write things like "I went over to the house to work on the house this weekend..." or things to that degree. She doesn't know I've read these emails, but I think she's suspicious (or is hiding something deeper) as she's now deleting the new email, the sent email records and even the emails in her email browsers "trash" folder.<P>Here recently, we talked some. Basically, I told her I wasn't EVER going to try to start working on things with her (i.e. in her eyes pressuring her). That I was giving her the option that "If or when in the future, you feel you feel that you are ready or want to work on our relationship, then I will be right there for you. Extremely happy and willing to work on things with you. If you do not want to work on things, then so be it. I will continue to be working on myself, seeing my therapist and becoming the person I should be, the man I should be, the father I should be, the friend, lover and partner I should be. If you do not want to work on things and we go our seperate ways, then both of us will be ready for the future and the things that go from there." Or basically something to that affect.<P>Since then (about a week) things between us have seemed to get a little better. We talk a little more than normal and affection on her part has risen slightly. But what worries me is that after work (around 5pm to 6pm) she heads on out to the resident Gym (she works in a hosipital). She'll stay there an hour or so (in which I know they "talk" there), and THEN she comes home. More often than not, she gets home NO SOONER than 6:30pm, often times around 7pm. Last night was 8pm (she claimed the last patient went in at 5:20pm [which generally lasts 30-40 min] and even claimed she tried calling me to let me know she was working late.) I called the gym extension in the hosipital around 7:45pm and they said she'd left around 30-40 min before that. But she works only 10 min from the house.<P>Please, help me here. What can I do? I know TIME and my continued drive to work on improving myself and what little I little she will let me help with.<BR>

Welcome H&L:<P>You know sometimes we wake up just a little too later to what's really important in our lives....I hope this will not be the case in your situation.<P>You've let a lot of time go by that you cannot get back...so your only choice now is to buckle down and do what needs to be done to convince your girlfriend that you have really begun to change.<P>Do you know what Plan A is...if you don't then you need to do some browsing on this site and find out....it's essentially what you've already been doing, making yourself the best partner, parent and friend that you can be to your girlfriend. You also need to be trying to meet her emotional needs (also found on this site). <P>After six years, and numerous failed attempts, it's probably is hard for your girlfriend to believe that you are really going to try and keep it up this time. I also don't think that you can stay by and wait for her to choose you...you have to make her want to choose you...and thats not done by standing off to the side and waiting on her to decide. <P>Jump in, play the role you want, be the father and husband, be the friend, the lover, because if you don't someone else will. <P>It's time for hearts and flowers now. <P>Faye<P> <P>

Hurt:<P>How are you doing today?<P>Have you read information from this site about Plan A and emotional needs? I think that might help you.<P>It's hard when you realize what's happened and what you could/should have done differently. But try not to dwell in the past and stick instead to what you can do to boost your "Love Account" back up.<P>Think about the emotional needs this other guy might be providing her, and try doubley hard to meet those needs.<P>It's going to be hard to bring this relationship back, but it could happen. <P>Hold on tight, though. This is going to be a rough ride.<P>Check back and let us know if there is any way to help.<P>All the best. --HBC

Well, right now, life sucks and is going to continue to suck hard. The part of me that hurts so badly, I'm shutting down as it is too much for me to handle atm.<P>The Wife is currently NOT willing to work on anything. Period. She wants her "independance" when she moves into the house that we're working on fixing up. I'll have to "get permission" to come over and see the kids and her.<P>What worries me beyond imagination is the freedom she'll have with him, the ability to invite him over whenever she feels like it and give me the excuse of "Oh, I'm just too tired tonight, I'm going to bed early... but call again tomorrow..." or something like that I'm sure.

Hi H&L:<P>You're making the mistake a lot of us make when we first are faced with another person in our S life....we concentrate on the OP as the cause of all the problems but they're really not....they're just the symptom of the problem....and if it weren't them it would be someone else. <P>You need to concentrate on your relationship with your wife and what caused it to get into the state it is. That's why we recommend you do the reading on this site...because when you do you will begin to get some insight into what the problems might be and how to go about working on correcting them. <P>We know you're hurting....but lashing out won't make anything better....neither will feeling sorry for yourself. Get busy working on yourself and forget about OP...WS will see the changes that you're making....and that's the only road back into her heart.<P>Angels and Prayer ~ Faye<p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited October 18, 2000).]

Well, due to her past history (i.e. learned traits), I dunno if she's really willing to work on things, despite the amount of time and effort that I put into this.<P>See, things didn't REALLY start getting bad until I started working on things. This, to her, scares her. It makes her actually SEE the efforts that I'm making on a daily basis.<P>Over time (the past 3 weeks) it's been making her start to look at things, my efforts and changes in my life and how SHE herself, isn't doing anything. As a result, she doesn't WANT to look at her own faults here.<P>I completely admit and am honest when I say I played a very large role in how things happened up to date. She is also to blame, due to, as I mentioned earlier, her past learned behaviors. She's a product of her parents divorcing several times (with multiple "Moms" and "Dads". She was abused as a child, both physically and sexually. She herself has been divorced once as well. <P>In her parents cases, they themselves have admitted to the both of us that they basically left after not trying in their respective marriages. She did the same with her Ex-Husband.<P>I was the Other Man, at the end of her marriage, as they were starting divorce proceedings. I was friends with both her and her ex-husband, but completely destroyed that friendship with him, by getting with her.<P>Our daughter (while not biologically mine, she still IS my daughter) is already showing the a SEVERE dependancy on her mother. She's 8 years old and goes BERZERK over the slightest things. For example, she is deathly afraid if her mom goes outside to water the plants and she doesn't know where she is. Or if her mother wants to run to the store for a few minutes, our daughter bawls her head off, because he mom isn't here. This and so many other examples when she can't be with her mom (pretty much) 24/7.<P>I've spoken with many people, describing this very same situation with my Therapist, even he thinks she's simply afraid of being abandoned and has the need to be with her mother, basically "In her Face" 24/7 so her mom "won't abandon her" and thusly feels "safe" and "wanted."<P>It's this type of thing that's ALREADY been passed down to her. Unless you're wanted, you get left behind. Her mother left her biological dad and didn't work on their REAL problems. She left the NEXT dad (her ex-husband), without working on the REAL problems in their marriage, and now is showing signs of leaving me. In her mind, she might be thinking "Am I next?"<P>And this is just our daughter, but it gives you an idea as some insight into my fiancee's head and method of thinking.<P>She has ALWAYS had someone to "jump to" when she leaves someone. Someone to take care of both her and the kids.<P>Now can you understand some of my frustration?