Res<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited November 26, 2000).]

Dearest Resilient,<P>I feel so much for you right now, I understand how reading that letter is hurting you to the very core. Next to learning about the affair, this news is probably the next worst news ever. To have fought and struggled to keep your marriage alive despite not having the love reciprocated is tormenting. But I believe, we all believe it would be worth it if in the end our spouses returned to us, ready and willing to fight as hard as we do.<P>Don't count yourself out yet! I don't know what if anything can be said to him that will change his mind. I guess you really need to think through what you can emotionally handle. A friend of mine said that she let H go and have his affair, live with the OW, etc. <P>No divorce proceedings were taken, she said she would wait 2 years before deciding what to do. You know what, before the 2 years was up, the A was over. H didn't move back immediately as he needed time to think about what he would do next. He eventually moved home and they are now together working on reconciling. <P>Another friend did get the divorce, but her H's A with OW ended, too. They remarried within a year. I know none of these things will help you with what to say tonight, just things to think about I guess. But sometimes, and I am really coming to believe this myself, that we need to let them go have the freedom they want. Without the constraints of responsibility to their marrige, they will feel free, but as I've read in other posts, they will find that they are still unhappy.<P>Believe in you, what you've been doing thus far with Plan A for yourself. I believe you are the person your user name reflects. Be that person, be resilient.<P>Blessings, MT

Jo,<P>Hon, I am so sorry for all your pain. You go ahead and cry but at least know that people care about you here.<P>Have you contacted your counselor? Please do so!<P>I have no experience in separations. Anyway, knowing this but wanting to respond to you I dove for my SAA book and in my haste, have yet to find something very specific to your situation but in general, it basically says you should continue to with your plan A till you no longer can do so, then go into plan B. I can't remember what plan you are in, Hon--which is it?<P>Your H said he had no idea you still felt the way you do so it sounds like you haven't had contact (plan B). Well, he knows how you feel now, doesn't he?! He's contacting you again this evening, isn't he?! You definately gave him something he is now thinking about--no matter what he says verbally or in writing, you've given him some new information to deal with. It will have an effect on him whether he shows it to you or not.<P>Do not believe this is the end. Harley says, and MT above just proved it, that even after divorce, the story is not over. You aren't there yet. You're still in the middle of your story! <P>Please contact your counselor and go over your SAA again.<P>As to what to say, it will depend on the information you get from your counselor and what you can glean from the book. Intuitively speaking tho, I'd say continue trying to meet his needs and whatever you do avoid the lovebusting. (As impossible as it is, I know!)<P>God bless you in your conviction. May your actions bring forth the results that you want. Sending you strength thru prayers, L

IMO you should not talk to him again. You let him know you love him and want the marriage. Talking to him will only hurt you more if that's possible and you won't convince him. I assume the inappropriate things are sexual? Do you really want to hear that? I know you want your marriage but you have been hurt so much already.<P>I would email him and reiterate that you still love him and still believe in your marriage and let him file for divorce.<P>Please take care of yourself; maybe have an emergency session with your counselor.

Jo,<P>Damn it I'm at work, and boss is near, so can't post.<P>If you see him...treat him like the insane person he is right now, yes dear, ok hon...you know the drill<P>I'll write more later.<P>God, I'm sorry...hang on hon.<P><BR>alison<BR>

Ok what would the Harley's say?<P>I think (and I've never spoken with them) that they would say not to lovebust, which you wouldn't anyway...not to appear desperate...to agree to anything he says, including divorce. Show him who you are now Jo. Show him the one that has lived alone and been happy and has taken good care of herself.<P>We all dread this moment, I wish I could be there with you. It's our greatest fear, but avoiding it can not be any better than hearing what scares us the most, can it? I don't know yet, but we spend massive amounts of time refusing to talk to these men, because they have the power to hurt us so badly. Let him in Jo, you can handle it. No, it's not over...won't be unless he someday marries someone else...(sorry hon for saying that). Drink a glass of wine and think of D-Day. Can it be any worse than that?<P>Let him in and show him Jo...who you are. The strong one. The one that always knows just the right thing to say. The one that can take any of our problems on these boards and shed a little ray of sunshine on it. Do the same for him. Put the fact that he's your husband on the back burner, he's a person in need, and that's where you shine Jo.<P>I'll be thinking of you hon, post later if you can.<P>With heartfelt prayer ~ allison<P>

JO,<P>I'm very sorry to hear this. And I don't know what to say. I'm just here for you to hug you.<P>((((((((((((((((((((Jo))))))))))))))))))))<P>Hang in there and take care of yourself.<BR>You are in my prayers.<P>Meg<BR>

<BR>Hi Jo:<P>I don't know what to say that I think would make things seem any better, but I agree with Allison about remaining confident and agreeable right now. You know as well as I do that you cannot trust what he's saying and thinking or feeling right now as the way it will always be....remember it's "affair talk"...and tomorrow, or next week, or next month, it may all be different.<P>It appears odd to me that after your being out of touch with him for a month, he would suddenly appear out of the blue with this pronouncement. Why didn't he just leave well enough alone...you weren't bothering him. I think he's still playing games, maybe even tit for tat...huh. You cut me out of your life...well, I'll cut you out of mine. And the returned book and note....all arranged to upset you...and it worked didn't it. Now the ball is back in his court where he likes it.<P>IF you can possibly, keep your cool and just be calm and accepting of anything he says tonight....if you get to talk to him again. <BR>This is the way you feel and if you want to fight for your marriage it's your right...even if right how that not what he thinks he wants. No one has the right to take away your hope from you. Only you can decide when "you" will stop loving him or trying to hold on to your marriage. I wish I thought his motives were unselfish. <P>After all he is the one who'll be the loser if he continues with this...he gets stuck with OW. <P>Remember about angels? I'm sending you an angel to be by your side tonight to give you all the love and strength you need to face this. Angels and prayers.<P>Faye<BR> <P>

I'm at work too--I can't relly say anything but I'm sorry and I hope that you know that we all care about you and are praying for you.<P>More later.

Resilient, I'm so sorry to hear this and don't know what to say. Just want to let you know I will pray for you tonight. (By the time you go to bed it will be morning for us here in the east coast). However, be strong OK. Big Hug.<P>The sun will shine on you and your family someday.<P>OOOO

Hey Jo,<P>Just wondering where you are...are you OK hon?<P>Please post and let us know.<P>allison

Res<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited November 26, 2000).]

Hi Jo:<P>Going to bed and won't be around tomorrow early so wanted to say how well I think you did....you were wonderful. <P>God, I see some waivering in him...I think this is all about the pressure from OW. He's not that certain what he wants. Just remember he's been under her influence for 2 months. Maybe it is time for him to do some talking to you. Hopefully he will.<P>Jo, you've been so much help to me, and I hate to see you have to go through this. But you're strong and entirely too good for him and someday he's going to realize that.<BR>I don't know but I think in his own way he may be reaching out to you for help...to keep from making a mistake. Maybe he wants you to fight again...and not let her win by default. <P>My brain's numb with all this, so I leave you with<P>Angels and Prayers and much love, Faye.<P><BR>

Jo:I also don't know much about separation, but just wanted to let you know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Your posts have always been a very big help to me and I wish there was more I could offer you. Just know that a prayer and a hug has been sent your way.

Hi Jo,<P>I don't know what this all means, where it is going or how your H truly feels, but one thing I've learned from being here is that it ain't over until the fat lady sings. Strange things happen every day and if you leave yourself open to it, miracles can happen. <P>No matter what, trust that what does happen is what is meant to happen. This *could* be a blessing for you. It *could* be that holding on to this is holding you back from an incredible future.<P>It could be that this is simply another bump in the road. If you read my post (Another ? for Plan B), you will see that even when you think it's all said and done, weird things happen.<P>Best of luck to you.

Resilient,<P>I don't have much advice for you. I do however, can offer you my thoughts and prayers, you really need all you can get.<P>I would like to give some opinions. I think H is bluffing you... he has no security nor comfort in his life with the OW. His life with her is utter chaos to say the least. I think he comes back to you (ever so often) to get "grounded". You represent the only sane entity in his life!!! He does need you, maybe not in the sense that you want him to, but in a sense of making him feel he does have something "good" in this world he can hold onto. Who would want to let you go?<P>I also believe it is time for you to ask yourself what it is that he does or gives to you. I think that is a fair question at this point. How many times are you going to let him hit you with a baseball bat, slam, right in the face. What has he done for you? What does he give you? I see nothing...<P>He wants to have you for safe keeping, so when times are tough, he can fall back into that safe place...YOU. His contacting you, is an attempt to make sure you are still THERE, waiting it out.<P>Did or could your H deal with your illness? Do you think your illness pushed him over the edge because he couldn't deal with the thought of losing you or watching you suffer? Just another thought!<P>Don't let him hurt you any more, you don't deserve it. I know we all have our own idiosyncrisis about why we want someone or why we feel we love someone. Some of these reasons could be very legitimate, others kind of anal retentive. But, how can you ever live a "normal" life with this person?... it sounds so unrealistic for a person of your caliber to want to live this way. I think there is so much more in your life that will be much more gratifying than this escapade.<P>I don't mean to sound as if I am degrading you or your choices, I honestly believe that you are worth more than this and you don't deserve to suffer any longer. There is a better life ahead of you, you've learned alot and certainly can take care of yourself.<P>Why bother? Who and what is he???? A dirty rotten cheat, immature son of a b---- who will never grow up or "get it". Looooooooozzzzzzzzzeeeerrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!<P>I think this is a chapter you should close forever in your life!!!<P>Just my thoughts however harsh they may sound.<P>You are a sister, you have shared our pain, we share your pain. Some of us may say what you want to hear, some of us will get in your face and say what you don't want to hear. It is a way of trying to show you that we care for you and don't want you to hurt anymore. Remember... you have value and worth and do not need anyone to convince you other wise.<P>Hoping you find comfort and peace today,<P>Cathy

Res<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited November 26, 2000).]

Oh ok...I get it,<P>now the witch gets morals....very very convenient.<P>Hey Jo, I give you credit for going to work, after my last really bad night I couldn't.<P>Just amazing isn't it...that all of a sudden OW thinks screwing a married man is wrong. My God, what a game she's playing, and the poor idiot is falling right into it. Talk about a puppet...maybe you should think about what kind of man he is now Jo, compared to the man you fell in love with.<P>I know you feel sorry for him Jo, because you love him. I'm not here to tell you those feelings are wrong, I feel sorry for my H every day...because he's a mess! But you are #1 right now. I think you did the right thing having him hold off, but she is not going to let up on the pressure Jo. He is truly miserable, and you know he's thinking a lot right now. I'll also pray that somehow the Lord will lead him in the right direction.<P>Keep posting hon, you'll be ok...you will.<P>allison

Hey Guys:<P>You know this isn't moral indignation from OW....it's pure manipulation on her part. She can't get him to D you any other way so she's backing off (holding out services?) until he does what she wants. H's OW does it all the time...remember selling the trailer...its all about the same thing...getting H to get divorce.<P>I still don't think he's that sure about what he wants....other Hs get D as soon as possible...why hasn't he. He's only pressing now because she's pressing him.<P>I think you're doing the right thing in holding firm and not giving in to him...the longer you can hold on the longer she will have to LB to get her way. You are the only thing between her and what she wants. Don't give it to her...make her fight you for it.<P>To say the least I don't like manipulative B*****s and I hate to see them win....even one round.<P>Angels and Prayers ~ Faye<P>

Res<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited November 26, 2000).]