This was my post 4-5 months ago here...<P><B><BR>tony40<BR>Junior Member posted June 22, 2000 09:23 AM <BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>I'm in need of opinions and suggestions over this...<BR>We have been married for about 15 months now and it continues to bother me and is an issue/argument frequently.<P>The issue: My wife had sex with her exhusband (and father of 13 year old son) three weeks before we were married (after a proported 10 year absence of intimacy with him). We had dated for a few months and were "engaged". Our wedding day had been set for awhile.<P>She told me about it the next day, I basically forgave her (but not him, ...yet). My wife continued to let him think it was a secret from me (she would not "let" me confront him or anything of the kind because she didn't want to hurt "their" relationship).<P>After many, many arguments about this...she finally in disgust called him one night months later, with me present, and told him I knew. He said "Oh, No!" As if they shold have a percieved secret from me forever.<P>He has not ever apologized to me for all the hurt that act has and continues to cause. My wife and he acutually continued to "flirt" with one another, before I asked for that to not happen. He has not told his wife about it either. He goes on his merry way and I continue to harbor this resentment and hurt.<P>My wife expects me to be completely forgiving to all and forget about it forever. I want her to do everything to convince me that our marriage is her priority and instead of a past relationship with him.<P>I support all of his and my stepsons interactions. That is no issue at all.<P>The act happened in our home then and it took me about six-eight months to get her to reluctantly agree not to allow him in our house. She says she told him this, but just tha other day, he came to pick up his son and came in our house and stayed for awhile (we were not home).<P>What can I do to get over this? What can my wife do? I feel if I had her COMPLETE commitment to us, I could without confronting him...but I don't feel I have that. The unfortunate human nature side of me wants to tell his wife, so he can endure the same hurt we have. Honesty is best...?<P>Thanks...</B><P> <BR>My letter today...should I send this? I feel I need more closure. I'm sorry if it is a bit confusing...<P>Thanks for any comments.<P>D****,<P>After I confronted you Saturday, and you lied, you called me Monday and offered your apology. You were very vague as to what actions for which you were apologizing. I asked what you were apologizing for and you said it was for “what happened and that was that, and that was all you were going to say about it”. I persisted and asked you to be specific as to what “that” was. I finally had to ask was it what you said (just 5 minutes of kissing) or was it what C**** had told me all along (flirting, kissing, you initiating, groping, petting, oral sex, tentative affair planning, lying, etc.) and you said “what C**** said”. You couldn’t even be honest and forthright enough to say the words. Possibly someone was listening and you wanted to continue some sort of lie?<P>The reason for this letter is because you could be still be portraying me as the liar, when I have done none of this cheating and lying. I don’t take kindly to being portrayed as the one stirring up trouble when it was/is all your choice. I’m sending a copy of this to L*** so that I know that she at least sees the truth of where we (you and I) now stand.<P>What you have done is despicable. Your actions have very nearly ruined our marriage. It is taking our all to make it through this and repair the tremendous damage your choice has inflicted on the level of trust in our marriage. It is only by commitment, faith and the grace of God that we are still married. I never expected my marriage to involve infidelity, much less from the very beginning. C**** is not blameless in this. She made extremely bad choices.<P>You had one opportunity to have the best possible relationship with me (B****’s stepfather) and you chose to be unfaithful, selfish, disrespectful and arrogant. I hope you will be honest with yourself and everyone else. It was completely up to you to apologize to me at any time during the past 20 months. You chose to sustain a lack of character and not apologize for being the man (married, at that) who had sex with my fiancé three weeks before our marriage day. <P>It is apparent that from your history of infidelity you don’t put much stock in the covenant of marriage. And that you are selfish to the extent of hurting the closest family members that you have. I don’t trust you. It may be possible for you to gain whatever measure of trust in the future, but of course, that is entirely up to you.<P><BR>*****<BR>

In a word, Tony, no. The letter makes you look weak and vengeful, and I know that's not what you want.<P>You need to either get some counseling or work through for yourself why this continues to bother you. What kind of "closure" are you looking for? Your W and her ex had sex. Nothing will ever change that. If the guy hasn't apologized by now, he's not going to, and since you married her knowing full well what had happened, seeking an "apology" is kind of silly anyway. Sending the letter, or continuing to stoke this particular fire, can only hurt you, your W, and your stepson, who I'm sure can sense the tension between you. <P>Of course, if you have genuine reason to think that the A is continuing, or that your W isn't fully committed to the marriage, that's an issue you should take up with her. But leave the ex, and his W, alone. Take care of your own family, build a healthy and strong one, and that will be the best revenge you could ask for, right?<P>Godspeed to you.

Dear Tony, it is a great letter, but would not send it! Getting an apology from the op would be great, but i doubt you will hear what you really want to hear. YOu want true remorse, a heartfelt apology, and since he has not had the courage to come forward and do so up to now, one assumes he is either a coward or does not feel bad abt it.<BR>WOuld try doing the relationship work with just the two of you and leave the outsiders out. cl

Thank you very much for your replies.<P>I agree it would most likely do little good to send it now. It still hurts that the act happened and that it was an "open sore" for almost two years now. My wife has just in the past weeks come around to being "on my side" in this. It has helped me tremendously. Now I'm trying to get over it all somehow.<P>Again, thanks.