Based on basic principles:<P>We meet someone we are attracted to and we fall in love and remain as long as they meet you needs. Agree??? <P>Think of yourself, but don't answer... What type of person are you attracted to? What did you love most about your spouse when you felt the most with them? Now... why do you still love them after all they have done to you and your family???<P>Last week at my counselor - he ask why do you love your H? My response was scarey! I said that the things I loved about him (as a package) were things I could find in other people. Certainly not every guy who crosses my path is going to have all those things I value wrapped up in a nice neat package. <P>At this time other than my commitment to marriage and the welfare of my son - I am not sure why I haven't filed for Divorce. Those are very big reasons and that is why I haven't. I could certainly say that I could find someone who would love me the way I deserve to be loved. Once I can say I did everything possible, I will be moving on. <P>Society accepts too much from these cheating spouses - divorce is too easy. I found out yesterday that in my state - all adultry allows you to do is get a fasster divorce - there are no penalties. Why wouldn't a spouse cheat if it is "Fun and Exciting?"<P><BR>Having an affair is bad - that I can deal with. Moving out to think is another. Moving out to explore feeling with OW - is not something we should never have to deal with. For those who hang on - THAT IS GREAT. For those who choose to move - THAT IS GREAT. <P>This seems to be going nowhere - so I will stop. My thoughts seem to be too jumbled to type anything - maybe I will try later.<P>------------------<BR>H<p>[This message has been edited by dhj (edited September 08, 1999).]

What made me fall in love? He was fun to be with. He was dependable. He could do anything (make things, fix things). He took care of me. He was/is a wonderful father. He has always been a hard worker.<P>If I met him today and he treated me as a stranger the way he has treated me the last year, I'd run as fast as I could.<P>Do I still love him? I must. I went to bed and cried last night. I must still love him.<BR>

I fell in love with the way he made me feel. I would smile just thinking about him, I could not wait for him to get home to see him and spend time with him. I loved that he opened my world to all kinds of new experiences. I loved his gentleness, the way he cares for people, and the way I was the only one who got to see the "teddy bear" side. Yes I still love my H, I'm still IN love with him. I just hope he can find his way home (he moved out to think). <BR>You are right, they do make it much to easy for the betrayers. <P>------------------<BR>You are in my thoughts and prayers.<BR>* Viki

Why do I still love my wife?<BR>I am committed to her and our marriage.<BR>I am hopeful that she will love me like she used to.<P>Divorce is too easy. The right thing is not usually the easiest thing to do. Working through infidelity is perhaps the toughest trial any of us will have to do in our life. I also believe, eventhough I am not there yet, that the fruits of my labor will be sweeter than ever before. No matter how my marriage turns out, I know that I will be a better man through this.<P>My wife deserves me giving everything I've got to hold us together. And so, I keep trying and praying that time WILL heal these wounds. <P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. <BR>

This is definitely a very deep reflection day with the posts. I'm not sure if I like this. My brain hurts.<P>Anyway, I was attracted to W because of outer beauty. I fell in love with her personality and zest for life. <P>I am still very much in love with the girl that I married. I care what happens to her, how she feels, the experiences of her day.<P>I am not happy with the woman she turned out to be. I do accept responsibility for my 100% of the marriage. I readily admit that I was not a good H. The past 6 months I have made great strides in personal development and would like nothing more to show them to the girl I married, but she is not in.<P>Unfortunately, a monster has inhabited her body and soul and is lying to me and her parents like a brick rug [don't know, I always say that].<P>Now I can see where the phrase, "If only I knew then what I know now" came from.<P>This is getting depressing, time for more ETOH.<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic

I think after my discovery of the affair when I was crushed and I know I could have given him the boot if it wasn't for my kids, it was the grace of God that allowed me to love him.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I love my W because she is God's gift to me. She has been from the moment that Imet her. I didn't go through the emotional in love thing. I went straight to the unconditional love that only comes from God. Although the night I met her, I think I told her that any woman who cheated on me would be divorced. Howevr, God had other thoughts. I submit to His bidding in all things. I guess that is why I never had the in love feeling. Yes, my W makes me happy even though she is causing me great pain. She is God's gift to me.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

My H is kind, loving, romantic, and fun to be with. He is my best friend in the world. He is a wonderful father. I know that if I ever want or need anything (other than a faithful spouse!) he will go to the ends of the earth to get it for me. Now if only we could work on the fidelity...... But then, no one is perfect, but he's pretty close.

Hello, everyone,<P>My answer adds a bit of a twist to this question. I am not married to the man I feel betrayed by nor has he "officially" betrayed me (or so he says). <P>I have been with my SO for 2 1/2 years. We have been engaged for 1 year. Our wedding date: Sep. 25, 1999. This day will come and go with no vows exchanged. We are in counseling and have met with our Pastor. <P>I don't really have the space to retell my story, but you can read it under "Nothing Is Ever Good Enough". <P>Because he thinks I'm having an affair of the heart he has not been able to give himself fully to me. I've spent months telling him I ended the friendship because he was the only person who mattered to me. He still thinks it's ongoing.<P>Anyway, just when we were taking off with the wedding plans I saw an e-mail from a female and in it she was telling him about herself. He said she was an old friend he recently contacted. I also noticed a few days later that he had visited Love@AOL and I asked him what that was. He said it's a site where he gets the e-cards from to send me. I went to the site and found this "friends" personal ad - Looking For Mr. Doolittle. It finally came out that he wanted that new love feeling again. DON'T WE ALL?! He said he had asked her to meet him, but they hadn't at that time. He said he ended the contact and he wanted to work things out with me. <P>So, do I love him? Absolutely! The good qualities in him far out weigh the bad, although, lieing is hard to swallow (he's lied about some minor things).<P>Why do I stay with him since I am not married to him? I guess time will tell if we will end up married. We both have been married and we each have 2 beautiful boys from our previous marriages. I knew the first time I didn't want to get married but went ahead anyway. <P>I long to be married to someone who will respect me, accept me, support me, and love me. I want complete honesty and total devotion. I deserve it and my kids deserve it. Is that too much to ask?<P>I know I went off on a tangent but that's my story and I'm sticking to it! :-) Ha... Ha...<P>Peace to all.<BR><P>------------------<BR><BR>~~ Lady K ~~<BR>

Why did I fall in love with my husband? Easy, he was attractive, fun to be with and we had great conversations. He stayed like that for the first 2 years, then after we got married, he changed. I am currently trying to figure out if he has cheated on me in the past, but that's all in another post. (Wondering if he cheated) <BR>Why do I still love him? I can see parts of that guy I first fell in love with. He's a wonderful father to our 8 month old, and he is starting to become more considerate of me and my feelings. <BR>dhj - I agree with you that society accepts cheating a little too much. Just watch any daytime talk show. I also agree that divorce is too easy. A friend of mine got married, and two weeks later filed for a divorce. After 3 months, she was a free woman. <BR>Or, maybe it is too easy to get married. I know that my husband and I didn't have to go to conseling before we got married. If we had, we may not have married.

I got married because I found a friend I wanted to share my life with. I had virtually given up the dating scene as I kept meeting recently divorced women on the rebound. Well, I decided to quit trying to find someone and lay back. So what do you know my future wife moves in next door to me a few months later. We got to be good friends who slowly evolved in our relationship to where we wanted to marry.<P>However, we came apart because my wife wanted my undivided attention and to resist her intrusions so I could have some time to myself, I withdrew. Learning that my wife was considering running off with an OM met on the internet, made me think about our marriage seriously. I realized a lot of our problems were because I failed to adequately support her emotionally. <P>Though devistated at the time I uncovered the affair, I realized that I had made a life long committment. In addition, we had two boys, 5 and 8, who I thought would suffer for the rest of their lives if I acted rashly.<P>Anyway the affair collapsed. I learned that my wife had been suffering from depression for sometime prior to the affair. Since starting treatment she has been a changed person. She told me she was greatful that I had stayed with her even though I had every right to leave her. <P>I guess sometimes one must just hunker down and realize a committment has been made especially once children arrive. The problem is that marriage is too easy and as you say divorce has no downside many times other than the division of property. Many just never listen to those vows they say at a wedding. They're too consummed with the act of marrying rather than the consequenses and commitments they agree to.<P> <P>[This message has been edited by Will (edited September 08, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by Will (edited September 08, 1999).]

Why do I love my husband?<BR>He is a very good, loving man. He would give the shirt off of his back to a stranger in a blizzard. That is partly what got him into the mess he is in right now. He is incredibly handsome and very romantic. He has been a very good father and up until now a perfect husband. We have been through alot the last 15 yrs and I can't picture myself with anyone else but him. No matter how hard I try I can't see myself meeting and falling in love again. I feel like I have already had the love of my life.

My husband was an excellent father and very considerate husband. He could be romantic and funny. We loved the same recreational hobbies and had great times doing them. He is intelligent and we could talk through complex subjects. He was my advisor and confidant. I loved to talk to him and watch him interact with our son.<P>There is almost nothing that is desirable about the man that currently inhabits my husband's body. I don't think any reasonable person could love or respect him the way he is.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>We meet someone we are attracted to and we fall in love and remain as long as they meet you needs. Agree???<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No, I don't agree with the last part. My love for my H didn't disappear just because he didn't meet all, or even many, of my needs. It didn't just disappear because he was "abducted by aliens" and left his family for the OW. I can remember the moment, in June, 1976, when I knew I would love him forever, and I can't envision anything changing that.<BR>

My husband was everything I was looking for in a man. He was passionate, loving, considerate, good provider, listened to me when I talked, made me laugh, and had me believing he was the only man in the world I could trust that wouldn't betray me. Oops he screwed that up.

Why do I love him? I don't know......<P>At the beginning it was just an overwhelming feeling of pure connection.<BR>All these emotions and profound feelings enveloped me and I had never felt so "at home" with anyone like that...Just thinking of it gives me tinglies!!!!<P>Must have been the same for H cuz he said to me two weeks after meeting me during a conversation over dinner "You know we're gonna get married don't you?" and I said "Yeah, but you're pretty sure of yourself aren't you?" He smiled - his eyes sparkled - he winked and let out the biggest sigh with a tilt of his head. (Goosebumps just remembering it) then we both laughed and nonchalantly went back to eating.<P>So, it was just "there".....We were both in our late 20's and had dated quite a bit on both sides so it's not like we didn't know what we wanted in a future partner.<P>At this point in time - why love him? Because he is still the man who tilted his head and sparkled his eyes at me. He's just in a coma and this "cop clone' took over his body.<P>So in that respect I definitely agree with Nellie - You don't stop loving because of a fantasy or even if they stay like this - the man (men) we love are there somewhere. If I could not love him so easily - did I love him at all? Or did I just love what he did for me? Or is it pride dictating my love?<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

For 10 years he was my best friend, my lover, my confidante, he never let me down, stood by me no matter what. He knew my thoughts, my moods, my fears. H knew how to calm me, make me laugh, make everything right again. He loved my daughter as his own and was the most wonderful father. Everytime I looked at him, I saw the most handsome man in the world, my heart pounded, my stomach got butterflies. We cried together, worked together, had fun together. For 10 years, he helped to make my life wonderful.<P>Now....I know he's done something terrible. And it hurts. More than I thought anything could EVER hurt. But when I see him, I see the man I knew for all those years, not the one that's only been here a couple of months. He's not with me right now, but when I think of him, even when I think of what he's done, I still think of all the wonderful moments, all the good he's done, all the joy he brought us. I wouldn't give that up, even to avoid the pain I'm feeling now. Not for anything.<P>That's why I still love him, no matter what.<P>Lori

Right after discovery, I thought I must be some weak, pitiful person to love a h that could cheat on me. After much soul searching, I realized that I hurt God in so many ways every day and He still loves me. At that point it was like a light bulb went off and I felt it was ok to love someone that had let me down. I was not weak in wanting that person still in my life. I am in no way comparing myself to God, please understand that, I am just finding that loving is a whole lot less conditional than I once thought. Of course I think my husband is sexy, kind, smart, talented, and a good father. I knew all of that before this, what I am learning now is about me and to not put standards on what I expect from other people.

I married my H because we had a connection, a connection so strong that I believed nothing and no one could sever it. We were soulmates, could share anything, laughter and tears. I believed that he would always protect me, I felt safe. As our marriage evolved, things changed, he changed, I changed, but that connection was a strong as ever, through the fights and the arguments....I still felt safe. I knew he loved me, and I loved him. <BR>Now I'm not so sure, I'm looking for that connection. I want to feel safe again. And I think he wants that too. I mean he wants to feel the connection and feel safe with me.<BR>He is insecure because I'm still in the fight or flight mode. He knows that I could flee at any moment. And I'll stay in this mode until I feel safe again....It's a twisted cycle......<BR>Do I love my husband.........I think I do. We're just not sure we can reconnect.....But we're trying

What beautiful love stories!! It's these memories that need to be brought to light when the negative thoughts invade. My SO is a wonderful, kind hearted person. I fell in love with the most genuine man! I long for those perfect romantic days again and I know they will come. <P>I asked myself recently how many times am I willing to forgive him and God's words hit me like a ton of bricks - seventy times seven times. <P>He is not bound to me nor I to him, but for nine months now we have held on. Sure we've both thrown the towel in, but it's only a matter of days (sometimes hours) that we calm down and talk.<P>Whether we get married or not I will always love this man. I have shared and grown so much with him that I owe most of who I am today to him. <P>Every day we express our love for each other either by spoken words or by actions (warm towels after a shower, heart confetti in his workout socks (so they go all over when he unrols them at the gym), sticky notes on the windshield, etc.). We show each other such enormous love that I'm amazed at the struggles we have.<P>Just my thoughts for today!<P><P>------------------<BR><BR>~~ Lady K ~~<BR>