Someone blew the whistle to my wife last nite. We have been married for only 2 and a half yrs. Naturally she freaked out and got very abusive and violent. In the end of the night, she seems to be very adamant in divorcing me. I m really desperate now. What can I do to make her see that I am really sorry? I know I dont deserve her, but the fact is that I broke of the affair before my wife found out. It does not seem to be a saving grace. My wife just wants out. Pls tell me if this is a heat of the moment decision on her part. Would she retract it when she cools down n think of my 18 months son?

Welcome wsgpbjlt:<P>First let me say that I'm a BS...so I know what your wife is feeling...the sense of overwhelming loss...of trust...of specialness...from someone she thought would never hurt her. You cannot over estimate the effect this will have on her. It's not something she will get over in a week, or a month, but maybe in a year you could begin to repair the damage you done.<P>But you come to the right place for help...we have many people who have been in your situation and restored their marriages.<BR>But it's going to take some work on your part so be prepared. Start by reading all the information on this site, twice if you need to before you get it, then buy some of the books recommended and read them, and if you can afford it, get some counseling (either with the Harley or someone else).<P>Two years is not very long to have been married and already cheating on your wife...you realize that you have a problem that you need help with. Maybe it was the baby, since he seems to have come along early in your marriage. Sometimes this is hard on men...they can't adjust to having the focus taken off of themselves and put on the mother-child relationship. I would like to think that's what it was. <P>I think you realize that you have made a serious mistake. Now you have to take the steps to correct it. With patience, consistency and time you may be able to win your wife's love and trust back.<P>Angels and Prayers - Faye<p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited October 17, 2000).]

thks faye. there is no excuse for my behaviour. i hv asked that both of us see a marriage counsellor, but she refused. she feels that she has been so terribly wronged that she wants to file immediately. i just feel that my time has run out even if i hv just confessed. she just want out n nothing i say can convince her now. yes i shud hv known better, yes i m the only guilty party here. all my wife has done was give everything to this marriage. i failed her miserably. ii just feel like killing myself now if i can hv my family back.

Hi Again wsgpbjlt:<P>Hey, all hope is not lost...she's just very hurt right now...give her a little time...and just keep trying to reassure her that you truly are sorry and will do anything to make things right. Just be steadfast in your conviction that your marriage can be saved. Be very sure that everything you do from this point on indicates to her how committed you are.<P>Getting a divorce is just the knee-kick reaction to all this...calmer thoughts will return when she calms down a little...and get over being so angry. <P>We'll keep this thread at the top so that maybe you can get some answer from what other WS have experienced in this situation.<P>With angels and prayers ~ Faye <P>

WSG-etc<P>I rarely jump on a new wayward spouse(WS) thread. I have been hurting a lot myself lately. But I want to give you a small view into what your wife is feeling.<P>I found out 10 weeks ago, I got the info out of him that it had been going on about 15 months. I really had to ring it out of him, he was drunk, and caught totally by surprise that I finally figured it out. He threw himself on the ground called himself scum, worthless and that he should be dead.<P>Then it was my turn. As soon as the few varifying facts were known, I panicked. I started pacing like a cat, thinking what would I do now? I had been married half my life, at home mom-my last job was 13 years ago! How would I live, who would get what-how do you split up a life time? Then I ran to the bathroom and got sick. <P>I was sick for 7 days, the mental pictures, the knowledge that some unknown woman had touched him-he was mine! That he had...to her? I got sick again. I cried also for about three weeks, consistently. i still do frequently. I immediately got us to therapy, and found MB on the web and found some trustworthy friends I could share this shame with. Yes shame. <P>One feels worthless, ashamed at the fact that you were not enough, and one feels no better than dirt you tromped on. <P>The trust and pride in your marriage bursts like a nuclear implosion. And still the mental pictures rage on...We think we are past that, then hurtful phrases of truth forever ring in your ear to torment every night's sleeplessness, and the pictures still rage on...<P>Betrayal of this kind creates total destruction of self esteem, self love, yet we become fierce to save our children's world. Our world is forever altered, but if our light of love peeps out from behind the black storm clouds, then we can forgive(not forget.) If we have the courage, we can go on to try to save our marriage. <P>Your wife is lucky in that you ended it already, and sound as if you will not repeat it. For many of us here, the A's march on to the beat of their own drum and we cannot join in the parade. We have to sit and wait for it to be over; let the dust settle, and see what is left. I am in that situation, we call it "fence-sitting" at this website, or "being in the fog," and WS not seeing what is truly important,<P>Love, family and being loved in return. To realize that those vows really did mean something, and they need to be redeclared. To work together for that satisfying relationship we all crave. It exists. Through MB principles it can be achieved. If I did not believe it, I would not still be sharing my life with my fence-sitting H, and my children's world would be lost and so would their trust in "forever."<P>Step lightly, and give her love, remorse, and space for her to put all these feelings into some kind of order. Don't push, just be supportive. You have done wrong, atonement is a long road, but I think you are up to the journey. <P>

thank u burnedspouse n faye,<P>i m trying to find a solution soon. but i m learning that it will take time, possibly a long time. somehow i feel that everybody here seems to know how to take the necessary steps towards reconciliation. somehow, my wife seems very different. i hv already suggested seeing a professional, she refuse to....saying flatly that there is no point anymore. when i asked her to think of our son, she says that he doesnt need a dad like me. i m a catholic (bad one). my son is baptised. however my wife is not. we married in church n she didnt mind. she was always supportive of the church altho she is buddhist. last nite, in her rage she denounced my faith saying how badly my faith has lead me. she doesnt want my son to go to church with me anymore. why is she so different from u pple out there? why does she seem so willing to kill me n suck my soul dry. pls believe me i know my mistake. i did something extremely terrible. i really m repentant. i feel very lonely now. how do i convince her that we really need help???<BR>

wsgpbjlt,<P>She isn't different from us, you should have heard some of the things I have said to my husband at first !!! Temest , the moderator of this this forum would have a stroke if I tried to post some of the names I called him ! <P>Please keep in mind that she is rather like a wounded animal right now. I can't even explain to you how deep the pain of betrayal goes. It shakes the very foundations of your world. I know I felt like every I love you from my husband was a lie, that our whole marriage was a lie. <P>You can't expect her to be able to make a decision right now, remember this is all new to her. <P>It took me two months before I could even tell my husband that I would try to work on this marriage. It has been 2 years since d-day for me, and I still have days when running away from home sounds good.<P>Right now she is in pain and striking out anyway she can. Give her time, give her space. Give her love and cut all ties with tthe other woman right away if you haven't already. It may help your wife see you really are done with that. <P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

Welcome <B>wsgpbjlt</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Most people think this "Plan A" stuff is just for the "Betrayed Spouse"...<BR>...it is NOT!<P>Start on Plan A... immediately...<BR>...check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> for some mechanics.<P> <P>Jim

wsgpbjlt,<P>Your wife is acting completely normal. Was it the OW that told her of the affair?<P>Give her time. Be repentant. Tell her you are sorry, and whatever you do, do not insert the word "but" into your apologies. You are 100% at fault in this situation. I am sure there were some problems in your marriage, but you made the decision to break your vows all on your own. <P>Your wife will probably start to come around, and then the rollercoaster ride will start. She will go back and forth and up and down more than any ride Disney ever dreamed of. Deal with it. <P>When she wants to know the details, do not be graphic. Give her the answers, don't lie, but don't volunteer more than what she is asking. The pictures you give her will be in her mind forever. <P>Even if your wife is not willing to go into counseling right now, you go. <P>Good luck.

wsg,<P>now that your wife has hit out and said all that, which is a natural process of discovery, you should try to beg her to stay because she will not for the sake of her pride or principles.<P>I hope you have been most repentant and show fruits of repentance, ie, being trustworthy, reformed, accountable, etc..<P>I went violent and abusive because my marriage was golden (according to WS) and I was a golden find, so I couldn't take that sort of marital abuse and violation. Your wive feels incredibly rejected and she probably trusted you 110%. If you really want to help her, you would need to convince her that your love for her has always been there (if that is the truth). It really is going to be tough but you need to stick it out and bear the brunt of her anger.<P>Please get books to read and let her read the books as well. If she was pregnant when you had the affair, I believe that she will be madder even. Please cut off all contact with the other party and read Proverb 4-6, and get the wisdom to know how to prevent affairs in future.<P>I have to run, baby's crying again.<P>May God help you <BR>weep

wsgpbjlt:<P>You know after D day, I wouldn't speak to my H for two weeks....I was so angry....it was a good thing he was not there (he left with OW)....even after that there were many days of screaming and hollering, blaming and calling names, but eventually we began to talk about what was wrong in our marriage that had led to A.<P>Try not to let your wife's words discourage you right now....she has great deal to work though....at least you have the advantage of having ended your affair. When it came down to it, you chose to stay with your marriage...that point can't be forgotten. So many H don't and it cause much more pain and resentment...all of which has to be healed in order for the marriage to be restored.<BR> <BR>Give her some time, space and your continued support until she ready.<P>Angels and Prayers ~ Faye

i m sure withiin myself that i no longer want this OW...which is why i broke it off. My wife wanted to know all the graphic details of the act. She asked me how many times etc. i did not tell her the truth. i told her twice when it was in fact uncountable. she asked me to stop describing after it was too much. she cant seem to get over the fact that i did unspeakable things with this OW. the scene keeps playing in her head.<P>Last nite, she told me that she will proceed as normal with me. this means we will do all things together for the sake of our son. she will not file for divorce. it does not mean she is giving me a chance. it means she does not want to embarrass herself n my son by letting others know about our failing marriage. it is all only for my son. we even slept in the same bed under the same quilt altho she does not allow me even to accidentally touch her. we r supposed to play this out in front of others as wel as my son. to my wife, she simply does not want my son to grow up differently.<P>only relieve i find is that at least i hv an environment to try..altho she seems set on giving up on me. what she is proposing is 'same life, differently personalities'.<P>the other thing...she seems set on revenge. she wants to tell the OW parents about how 'slutty' their daughter had been. she wants to destroy her. I m really worried about that bcos if the Ow feels cornered she may lie. she may do everything in her power to force us to divorce. shemay feel that if she cant have me, my wife cant as well. she may even come to my work pplace, my home...etc. i m fearful about this. wot shud i do?

Okay, I jumped in here, I should not leave ya hangin'. <P>About the graphic details, my therapist was very insightful and told us to have the chance to say"time out, that is enough for now." Either one of us could, hearing or telling. this came in very handy, because I too was morbid at first, because the OW is out of state and I have never met her.(they met on a business trip.) I asked for number and he lied, but I figured it out anyway because I had kept a calender of his trips because I was resentful and I wanted ot be able to show him how much time he spent away from home.(I did not know then.)<P>My h still became very resentful of me knowing anything and would be horrible and spit the answers at me in the most hurtful way. I soon found, as i continued to have the mind flashes and the nausea, i had better stop. So I would get a few facts at a time, stop and cry 24 hrs about it, and then go for more. But soon I found I did not need any details, nor did I want any. It made it too real for me, as a matter of fact when I caught him in his first direct lie to me, I had found a flight itinerary belonging to her meeting him on his last trip. I was sad to learn her last name. If I find out what she looks like, I will go mad. I do not want her to be real, then i don't have to consider her feelings or anything. She is not in my world. My H does not allow me in her world either, he won't talk about her. <P>About the OW. If you are really serious about permenently ending all contact. The thing we do here is a no contact letter. You state, unemotionally as possible, that you love your wife and son, and that your marriage is truly what you want, and that ALL contact must stop. There are many examples in the archives.Show it to your wife for her input(this will also show her you are serious) and mail it TOGETHER in a mail box so it cannot be retrived.<P>She is willing to stay. That is good news for you. She may not trust you, she may even be repulsed by you right now, but that is to be expected. She earned that right when you broke your vows. But if she is going to stay, this will give you the opportunity to keep showing her positive behavior and emotions and empathy for her. DO NOT be condescending, though. You must take your lumps, and take it as long as need be until you can earn her trust back. Just try to be a good husband, father and friend. <P>I really envy her in the fact that you are ready to reunite with your family. I pray mine will have the courage and inner strength to do that for our family. For me. <P>See that counselor. Show her that you really are making a commitment. Also, don't kid yourself, you really need to find out why you strayed in the first place and fix it, or comes to terms with it. So it will not be repeated. And be honest with her without raking her across the coals. Just stick to your feelings, but place blame where it belongs only.(On you.) Your counselor will guide you there. Or the MB'ers will! <P>Finding a clergyman or a trusted friend for your support would not be a bad idea, either. The spouse doing all the work initially to get it all on the right track, WS or BS, needs support when they hit wall after wall. I know.<P>Good luck! <P>

i m really thankful to burnedspouse and all who care. dont leave me. i will do me best. i dont know what events the days ahead will bring n i will watch this space.<P>last my wife just emailed the OW. She was a family friend. She abused the OW n threatened to tell her parents. The OW called me n told me she would kill herself if that be the case. I wanted to hang up when i heard her voice but i feel responsible to. I told her that she has to decide what to do herself n to think of her family b4 she did silly things. i also told her i wont speak to her anymore. i mean it. no more contacts. i also told my wife about the call from the OW n the entire content of the conversation...advised her not to hv blood on her hands. i told my wife that i will be by her side n it is her decision

I don't think that you are doing your wife or yourself any favor by lieing about the number of times you had sex with the OW. She will sit and go over in minute detail every single time you left the house during the time of the A, and she will figure out that you are not being truthful. <P>If the OW does not abide by the no contact, and becomes harassing, get a restraining order. If you think that she will go by the thinking of if she can't have you she will make sure your wife won't want you, she may very well become vengeful. We got a restraining order against H's OW. She was stalking, harassing, trespassing, assaulting, and threatening to kill me and our child. <P>Your wife is hurting way too much right now to even consider that things could be repaired between the two of you. But you are lucky that she is willing to stay, it gives you a great opportunity to start Plan A'ing. If you've changed, and know now that you made the most horrible mistake you ever could possibly make, prove it to her.

i thought tell my wife about the A was bad. The OW called me on Saturday and told me something else. She said she was pregnant. At first I thought it was a lame attempt at seeing me and holding me back. In the end I suggested going to the Gynae together and, yes it is true she is pregnant now! Without a doubt it is mine. That was the last time we were together and she took a 'morning after pill'. The gynae also said that should not keep the baby as the pill could have damaged it. Now, I am just so numb and shattered...knowing that me and the OW are going to kill our baby.

I am very sorry for your pain...what a terrible situation to be in.<P>You, your wife and OW are all in my prayers tonite...<P>Kathi<P>One more suggestion...even if your wife won't consider counseling right now, it would be great for you to work with a good marriage counselor to help guide you thru this rebuilding time. <P><p>[This message has been edited by kam6318 (edited October 30, 2000).]

WSG etc<BR>I am sorry for the painful decision for the baby. But the Doctor is right. There is no way to know right now if damage was done with that pill. What is the matter with you not using protection? Bad Boy! My H doesn't either, but she is sterile-so she says...but it has been a yr and a half now, monthly congigation, no accidents. <P>Does you wife know of the baby? Do not tell her. She is not doing well with all of this and it is really between you and OW. Take care of it, but keep it to yourself. She does not know how lucky she is-you really willing to go back for good--many here would give their eye teeth for the opportunity!<P>Again be patient, she is betrayed and some who do not find the support of MBers, never understand how wonderful life can be after the A. Better. That is what we all hope for...and work for...and are heart-abused for. It is worth it if love can spring again, and renew the vows of marriage. <P>It is hope eternal around here...