Res<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited November 26, 2000).]

Hi Jo,<P>How are you?? Hope you are feeling a little better now.<P>I think in a way D may release WS's guilt but he/she has to live with the fact he/she ended the marriage for OP for the rest of the life.. I'm sure your H hasn't realized this yet.<P>My H said(as you know from the e-mail I sent to you) that it may take pressure off from BOTH OF US. But at the same time he has hard time dealing with divorcing.<P>Right now your H is just looking at one side of the coin... <BR>I know you don't want D, but you have to do something to protect yourself. I totally agree with what catnip wrote.<BR>The difference between me and you is that I want D.. because if I'm not his W legally I don't have any rights to say or think about whatever he does with OW(or someone else). I need that to move on.<P>I hope you find a way, the best way for yourself.<P>Love, and many hugs,<P>Meg

Jo, for some people they may have to get rid of the old (including the guilt) to see things clearly.<P>I like Lori's response to you. You can simply take that route. Calmly state that you don't want it, and that you will always be his wife, but that you want him to be happy and won't stand in his way. Just let him do the work of it....let it sink in with him.... <P>They are not really happy Jo, just stuck...and in turmoil within themselves.<P>Give them wings and let them discover for themselves which direction is the "right" direction.

When I was "reading up" on divorce, one thing that was stated over and over was that after the second marriage many had the opinion that if they knew what the second marriage would be like, they would have worked a whole lot harder on the first.<P>Second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages. Second marriages to an affair partner begun during a previous marriage have an abysmal, and even higher divorce rate. Is it guilt? It's *something*, could be a personal lacking, inability to be a good/faithful partner, choosing unwisely, etc.<P>I know one of the considerations in setting aside our divorce paperwork was that with kids, we'd still be dealing with each other the rest of our lives, really neither of us wanted an OM or OW involved with our kids.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Hi Jo,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>So my question is for either WS or for BS, will a D relieve the gulit my H feels for all the transgressions????<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>In a word, NO.<P>But here's what it will do. It will offer a fresh start. It reminds me of a bankruptcy. It haunts you and follows you, but you get a clean slate. Hopefully you don't make the same mistakes again. But oftentimes, people do make the same mistakes again. <P>I do hope things are looking up for you. You're been through the ringer emotionally.<P>Best wishes to you.

Hi Jo:<P>How are you? I've been worried about you, but I see you're posting and that's good.<P>You know, I can see a D as a release factor for guilt, if H feels like the D is the end of his commitment to you and releases you from your commitment to him.<P>But if you hold firm like Lori did and still maintain that you are still committed no matter what, then the guilt is not relieved.<BR>And somewhere in the back of his mind it will always be there...D, remarriage, whatever, the fact that you were willing to rebuild after he dealt you such a blow.<P>This is exactly what I intend to do, not interfere in any way but stay the committed person I've always been....although he says he will never divorce me. I've always been the kink in OW's perfect plan and I intend to stay that way.<P>Angels and Prayer ~ Faye<P><BR>

Hi Faye,<P>Gotta make this a quick one. Have 3:00p meeting. I haven't really slept yet, been 48 hrs and my tush is dragging. I'm so keyed up about my H that I can think a straight thought. I hope I'll be okay.<P>I'm just so curious about what your H has said to you, "He'll never D you". That, in of itself, says so much to me, Faye. He expects you to always be there. He is going to continue this, Faye, until you put your foot down. After hearing what he has said to you, I really do believe this will go on indefinitely. <P>When I get home this evening, I'm going to post to you ome of my thoughts. I know you have a plan already, but maybe there's another direction you can take to get his full attention. <P>I hate to see you in this for so damn long ... I wish to God he'd stop this.<P>Love you,<BR>Jo