My married lover split off with me Monday at work. We both cried. He told me he loved me but his wife found out. He left his previous wife for her. Anyway, I am married too and I have no passion for my husband but when I met him at work 3 months ago it was a magnet and steel attraction. <BR>The problem is this, the magnet and steel attraction is still there(4 both I think) when I see him at work I am going crazy, because I love him so. He walks up to me and says little things. I wish he would not go around where I am at. If I am to get through this. I called him up this morning and told him to don't follow me he promised to be good. And ask me not to call him his house anymore, I said OK but it about killed me.<BR>So How can I get through this pain, especially when I go back to work? I am off until Monday. I dread Monday because then I will see him and be hurting. <BR>I can't quit my job either. My husband found out about it too and wants to work it out but right now I just want to mope about this affair and can't do much of anything. My mind is on "him".<BR>How can I cope? Is this something that will go on and on?

You need to redirect some of your energy to working on your marriage...I know that is hard right now. But, your efforts will pay off.<P>Some good places to start...<P>The book Surviving an affair <P>The "infidelity" articles on the homepage here.<P>Good luck--<P>Kathi

Welcome buttercupp7,<P>I was in the same situation that you are in. I had a short affair with a man I work with. <P>The only thing that will help to heal is having NO CONTACT WITH HIM. I didn't realize how important that was and kept working with the other man (OM). I am at the end of my divorce, brought about partly by my affair. My husband (H) told me he didn't want me to quit my job, but secretly he did. Any betrayed spouse would want that. So, I guess one question is, Have you told your H about the affair?<P>The OM and I ended 18 months ago, by the way. I never could work comfortably. It has taken me all this time to finally QUIT MY JOB and get away from him. That's what you need to do. I know, when people said it to me I thought, you don't know me, you don't know about my situation, I waited so long for this job, damn if I'm gonna quit! But you know what? If you are serious about staying away from the OM, it's what you have to do.<P>Best wishes to you...

buttercupp7:<P>Why can't you quit your job and find work else where? The best thing too truly to ending an affair is no contact and that is going to be hard with the withdrawal you are going to be dealing with. Continuing any contact even at work with only prolongs the withdrawal and even reignite your affair.<P>Best wishes,<BR>Judy<BR>

Buttercup,<P>You've come to the right place. There are people here who have been/are where you are right now.<BR>I am in exactly the same situation you are in, but my last affair ended about 6 weeks ago. What you are going thru is so hard, so painful, so depressing.<BR>Things that have helped me may help you. Here are some suggestions:<P>1) See your physician about prescribing an antideppresent for you. Maybe Paxil or Celexa. They can help stablize your mood swings and feelings, although it takes a couple of weeks to kick in.<P>2) Post here for support and encouragement.<P>3) Get as much support as you can from a trusted personal friend who knows how to listen and not judge or lecture. You don't have to tell them everything. Someone who can be available for you when you need to talk. Make sure it is a same sex friend, however. <P>4) At work, be firm but kind to your now ex-lover. Tell him you-all have made a decision and you are determined to stick to it. You don't want to be treated like a yo-yo, it's not fair for you, and it doesn't help him. Tell him this decision is best for both of you, and it's final. You can't/won't go back now. Stick to it! You may have to do this a couple of times before it sinks in.<P>5) Minimize your contact with him as much as possible. Work away from his presence as much as you can, if possible. DO NOT GET ALONE WITH HIM UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, EITHER AT WORK OR AWAY FROM WORK. No contact is the policy here, and tough as it is, it is very effective in helping the relationship recede.<P>6) Stop all e-mail contact, card contact, notes and letter contact. Block e-mail, give all correspondence back unopened, immediately.<P>7) Even though your emotions and feelings are screaming different, treat your ex-lover as just another co-worker for whom you have no romantic feelings. Keep interactions brief, professional, impersonal.<P>8) A friend of mine gave me this mantra to repeat to myself when I felt vulnerable: "If you don't feed it, it will die." Keep that in mind always. Remember that as time goes on, YOU WILL BEGIN TO FEEL BETTER if you stick to your guns and not backslide into the relationship. You don't want to start all over with the pain, do you? <P>Easier said than done? You bet. This is all so hard, because you want to keep the relationship alive and yet you need to kill it to keep your sanity and to give your marriage a chance to recover. <P>You are going down a hard, hard road. It's going to be one of the most painful things you have ever done. If you stick to the no contact policy, it does get easier as time goes on.<P>Good luck! I'm here most every day. Others here will be happy to give you support, too. You are among friends here.<P>Blessings.<P>Rockaway<P> <P>

Thanks for the advice. Sounds like you know what you are talking about.<BR>YoYo, Do you mean he will probably try this again and start this whole mess again?<BR>I hope I don't give in then because it is painful.

I am sorry your marriage died because of the affair. I have a feeling it was really rough for you also.<BR>What happened during those 18 months or before? The OM kept popping up?, like I was reading about something called withdrawal and starting the affair again?<BR>I hope that don't happen here. I would love/hate be alone with him that is how weak I am, but I hope he don't try to renew anything maybe he won't, since he is so worried about his wife.<BR>Yes, I think I am going down a long hard road. If I had to do it over, I would have NEVER done in the first place. So painful, addictive maybe?

Hi,<P>My marriage died for many reasons. My H had several affairs. But my affair is the one that pushed the marriage over the edge, I believe. I was much quicker to forgive his affairs, he couldn't forgive the one I had. The fact that I worked with OM made things much MUCH more difficult. All I can say is that I WISH I would have <B>quit</B> sooner!!!<P>As far as what has been going on over the last 18 months... the OM feels that the affair was "meant to be" and he's done everything from asking me back, to making lewd conversation, sending inappropriate email, and trying to be "just friends". None of it really worked, to be honest, but we never got back together, thankfully. It was up to ME completely, and I didn't want to go 'there' again. It got easier as time went on. I'd say it took about six months before I wasn't tempted to go back to him. But by then, my H had found someone new. I have to say though, that I'd felt so crappy about what I did that I had no desire to go back to the OM. Too much pain!!!