How's this for an unintentional LB:<P>Recently, my STBX has been having doubts about the Big D. She is doubting her feelings for the OM, and wondering aloud if she can live the rest of her life without me.<P>So the last week or so she has been very, very nice to me, and trying to re-build our relationship somewhat.<P>I found out about the A by reading her AOL e-mail. On D-Day, I called a twice-divorced friend for support. Somewhere in the conversation, I gave him OM's AOL screen name. Infidelity ended both of his marriages, so I should've known he would eventually use it.<P><BR>Fast forward to yesterday. My friend is on AOL, and guess who pops up. So under an anonymous screen name, my friend sends him a message. Here's how it went:<P>F: "So, how does it feel to destroy a marriage?"<BR>OM: "Feels pretty good...who's this?"<BR>F: "I'd like to say I'm your conscience, but we both know you don't have one."<BR>OM: "Okay, who is this?"<BR>F: "What's it like to know you're wrecking someone's life?"<BR>OM: (No response)<BR>F: "What's the matter, cat got your cheatin' tongue?"<BR>OM: Signs off<P>Friend calls me, tells me what he did. I thought it was pretty funny. A very small dose of revenge.<P>OM calls STBX. Then she calls me...and oh boy is she MAD! "I thought we were making progress! Now this happens! I was trying to recover something of our marriage and now you ruined it!"<P>I explained that my friend was just looking out for me, watching my back, and while his timing may have been bad, his heart was in the right place. In any case, OM had it coming. I told her that when you betray your marriage vows, you should expect some negative fallout. I also told her that we were making NO progress, NO recovery, and that we wouldn't make any headway until she broke off contact with OM.<P>She is going to Vegas to see him next weekend. She says she needs to "sort out her feelings," and that the situation is "totally different" from the other 3 times she went to see him. I told her that if she really felt bad about the A, she wouldn't be going to Vegas at all. I also directed her attention to OM's answer to the initial question: <P>"How does it feel to destroy a marriage?"<P>"Feels pretty good..."<P>And she's still going to go and be with this guy!<P>My question is: I know she's going to be with him. I'll be watching our D for the weekend, so I'll have to see STBX when she comes to pick up D. How do I react?<P>[This message has been edited by cjack (edited October 19, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by cjack (edited October 19, 2000).]

cjack,<P>I know MB is against ultimatums, but you've gone pretty quickly to talking divorce anyway.<P>She may really feel she needs to "sort out" her feelings and let him down gently, but it just doesn't work that way.<P>She can choose her marriage, even going against her feelings and just send him the old no contact letter. My h did that and I respect him much more for it.<P>I'm NOT advising you to do this, but I would be tempted to say if she goes, that's it.<P>Have you been doing any plan A? Would she maybe talk to Steve or Jennifer Harley? They can be pretty convincing. Anyway, sorry you're still in this mess.<P>

Moving pretty quickly to divorce, indeed!<P>This is all happening way too fast for me. The first indication of trouble was about 1 yr ago, with the "I don't think I love you anymore" speech. <P>The A started in late June/early July. After 3 weekends with OM, I got the "I want out of the marriage" speech. The second week in August she had moved out. She filed divorce papers in September.<P>I have tried to avoid giving her any ultimatums, but I've made it quite clear that I will not compete with any other man for her affections. Since the beginning, I've told her I'll take her back in a heartbeat, but in order for it to work, there must be "no contact" with OM.<P>She says she needs to spend some time with OM to figure out if her feelings for him are what she thinks they are. You and I know that a return to him is a return to "the fog." It may not be as thick this time, but it will only add to the confusion she is feeling. This little trip will help neither of us.<P>I've been trying to keep with Plan A, but it's hard when you're separated. <P>As for phone counseling, I don't think she would go for it. I've directed her to this website a number of times, and she doesn't think much of it. "All that stuff doesn't apply to my situation" is all I get.<P>You're probably right about one thing: If she goes, that's probably going to be the end of it.<BR>