Hello friends,<P>Seems as if I moved on to a new level and stopped needing this group for a long time. My marriage is doing better. Still healing over my H's affair. But we are still together and still tring. Our problem now is....<BR>I have always had medical problems but things have gotten worse. I'm young 27 but My body in certain respects is very old. I saw my GYN yesterday and due to new developing problems he says i ahev only 1 year left till I can no longer have children. Ideally we were alwasy wanting another. Current daughter is 4 years old. But becasue of my difficult pregnancy we wanted to wait till Gillian was older till we had another. So she could understand why i had to remain in bed. <P>WEll dream world over.....Its now or never. It will take several months to even begin trying for a second pregnancy. And nothing is for sure....i may lose the chance all together. <P>If we do not ahev another can i live with that???? We lost our first child 7 years ago becasue of my medical problems I can't stand to watch anotehr premie baby die. BUT I feel as if My choices are gone. With my marriage problems will a new baby make it worse or better?? Help....My GYN give us wtill december to decide either way. IF I choose NO then I ahev surgery to repair My Damaged uterus and that will cause me to be unable to ahev children. If its yes......then a long hard pregnancy will follow with all the doubt and uncertainty involved with that...with the added pressure of a Hubby that cheated once. <P>Help<BR>Confusedwife AGAIn

In a strange way, we're going thru this choice as well. I'm 35 and it's basically the cut off year for going thru the in vitro procedure for us. (We have no children but the cause is unknown) <P>Yes, pregnancy/childrearing adds stress to a marriage. Dr. Harley addressed that in an article and in one of his books. But still, that will not deter you, I'm sure. It's just a factor.<P>Basically, it boils down to how you and your H feel about it and how well your relationship is doing and your ability to communicate respectfully and work with eachother. <P>It's not like you can take a poll here--it still depends on <I>your</I> relationship. You do not want to end up raising your children alone or in a loveless marriage.<P>No answers, just thoughts. It just about makes me crazy, too, but I've decided that my marriage is my first priority. I'll worry about pregnancy again in few months when I have a better idea that the relationship is solid. We're counseling with Steve Harley right now. Money well spent, let me tell you. But we're still learning to be consistent in meeting eachothers' needs and negotiating.<P>I've come to realize that I want to be in a loving and intimate relationship more than I want to be a mother in a lousy marriage (tho I know I'd be an awesome mom!).<P>Good luck to you and God Bless.<P>Leilana<P><P>------------------<BR><I>No rain, no rainbows</I>

You may not get many replies, because truly noone can help with this one. It's tough!<P>I had a miscarriage earlier this year. I had already started dreaming of that 3rd baby. At the same time, I was anxious about raising 3 kids alone and one a baby!<P>I can only offer questions for you to consider:<P>1. Do YOU want another child enough to face the risks and sacrifices due to your health? This has to be yes or no at some point.<P>2. Does your spouse want another child enough...POJA, especially on this<P>3. Do you think you are both strong enough to deal with the added stress to yourselves individually and the marriage? It is harder to meet each other's needs even in a "regular" pregnancy and new baby.<P>4. On the plus side, do you think it will give your h a chance to rebuild your trust by standing by you during the difficult time? I wonder if I were sick if he would "pick up the slack"? This would help to rebuild some trust because I worry about growing old with him.

Dear Confused Wife,<P>It is like a catch 22. I think Leilana's got great advice about this being about how strong your marriage is. Having another child can put strain on even a healthy marriage and that is why I will not want to have any more, unless God wants to bless. My WS is now adamant on trying to get me pregnant but I am frightened like you are about the adultery.<P>You need to counsel with your husband and prepare both your mindsets about the pregnancy. Is there a church elder that your H can be accountable to, especially if you both decide to have a baby and you become pregnant? A godly man can help him stay the course through positive association and accountability.<P>If push comes to shove and you really love children no matter what, then you should think about one more child because whatever it is, you already have one in your present marriage, and if whether your H will be around forever is not the most important issue for you, then by all means, have a sibling for your daughter and lay to rest any regrets for the 'why didn't I'? Just know that we cannot control the actions of others, only our own actions and we commit our spouses into the capable hands of God.<P>God bless you<BR>weep

I could be wrong, but it sounds like you have not completely worked through your issues with the H yet. <P>With that being the case, I would not have children- but that is me. Big decisions like that should not be made under pressure. Too much room for regret.<P>I was married (happily I thought) for 5 years, together for 8 and didnt have children because I didn't think we had the right lifestyle for THEM. You see, I think having children is about what YOU can do for THEM, not what they can do for you. I will not have children unless they can be financially provided for, I can be home with them, they have a present and interested father who is devoted to me and them, and I am assured that the relationship between the father and me is strong so that my children will always have both parents (except in the event of death of course). My life with the H was NEVER like that, so children were not an issue in my mind. But those are my priorities. Maybe your are different? People have children for lots of different reasons.<P>I see the pressure for the decision. I truly do, and I sympathize. I also have "female problems" and I've had quite a few scares with losing my fertility, so I really do understand the pressure you are under. For me, it wasn't THAT big of a deal because I didnt have a burning desire for children. I have one and don't feel I would be losing out if I couldn't have another. I don't feel that a child has to be born of my body in order to me "mine" either. So, I feel there are options. That could make things very different between you and me. <P>When I have been faced with a "now or never" decision and the conditions are not right for "now," I have to choose "never."<P>Anyway, the initial shock and pressure of the decision is tough, but once it wore off for me, I was content to leave it up to God. I trust that things happen for a reason and if it is meant for me to have more, I will.<P>I am sure that doesn't help. You have your own desires and priorities and have to do what works for you.