Hi Everyone,<P>My life is by no means a cakewalk. It seems on every level there are problems. The company I work for is awful. Slowly they are going down (loosing market share) and my boss seems to think I am one of the problems. One of my employees manipulated the situation while I was on vacation to make me look like the bad person. I was ready to fire her and she knew it. Either way she is gone now. I have had the flu for at least two weeks now. My Cat might have cancer. (Please pray for him...I love him so much). Had to have dinner Saturday night with one of Tony's women. <P>Funny thing it just seems to be not the end of the world. I think the major change has been me. I am getting my confidence back. I am getting me back. I use to be so sure of my skills and myself. I lost all that. Maybe I had to go through this trial by fire to get my life right again. <P>Since I have changed my attitude I find things that angered me so much just now are not worth it. I mean I was not a happy camper having dinner with almost OW number 200 by the end of the dinner I just let it go. I cannot really blame her. Tony did say she turned him down. I think she probably did. I also think Tony was feeling sorry for himself got drunk and stupid.<P>I have come to the realization that I lived and thrived once without Tony and I can do it again either with him or without him. I by no means have my self worth and confidence 100% back but I am getting there. I am creating a three-year plan of where I want to be at 35. I am working at changing my career into a new direction. I am working on me. <P>Not that Tony is not in the picture I am just letting him find his own way. I stopped pushing for stuff. He knows the boundaries and what I think but then he makes the decision. He also knows that I will not put up with much more of his selfishness. For three years he has been the center of this relationship and I am tired of it. I deserve more and he knows it. We will see if he tries to sabotage this again. If he does he can leave. I need a grown up partner not a selfish brat who thinks the universe revolves around them.<BR>

Paha,<P>Great Post...you give me something to look forward to, a clear head...man, I miss being able to THINK!<P>Just wanted to say thank you for the hope, that with or without our spouses, we can go on. The difference is, I never really have had to take care of myself, but I think I am getting better at it every day, no small accomplishment considering I'm taking care of my three teenagers pretty well too.<P>Your attitude is wonderful, and I am trying hard to think more like this. <P>Thanks ~allison<BR>

Paha,<BR>By George, I think you've got it! <P>I think something truly amazing happens when one goes from "I can't live without my spouse" to "I'll be fine no matter what". It doesn't mean you can't choose to still be with your spouse if that option is open and they give their 100%, just as you do.<P>I completely believe marriage is the #1 choice. But not everyone gets to keep that option open.<P>I know you two aren't married, but obviously Tony meets something within you that you want. I pray he's up to the challenge.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Az Allison,<P>I am glad that I give you hope. It has taken me a good year and half to come to this. I might have come to this conclusion sooner if I did not have repeated discoveries. <P>Nancy Regan said one time "women are like tea bags you never know how strong they are till the water boils." I am sure you would amaze yourself on what you can accomplish. Think of everything you have survived. On top of that you have taken care of your children. Provided a safe place for them to come to with their feelings. That is amazing. You are woman hear you roar. (Always like the commercial).<P>Lor,<P>I have been very happy that things are working out with you and Guard. It seems different this time with the two of you. It makes my heart warm. <P>Yes Tony does meet some of my needs. I feel like I trash him on here all the time and it is unfair. He is very smart, funny, adventurous, and he is very handy around the house. <P>Just last night a kid that has attached himself to Tony was over. I made dinner for all of us and as we were eating Tony and I were sharing some of our funniest stories of stuff we have done. I was dying of laughter. I think I am so serious a great deal of the time that I need this. Not to mention I am so comfortable with Tony. <P>We purchased an old home. It still has all of its original molding and door features and the like. The previous owners had painted over all of it. I came home one day and he had taken them all off and restored them all. He is so handy. He knows so much about everything I know nothing about. It just seems that we match so well in a lot of areas. Too bad he has one major flaw.<BR>

Go Paha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<BR>I knew you had it in you girl. Just had to bring i to the surface again.<BR>(((((hugs))))) cl

Hi CL,<P>How are you doing? Are you feeling better? <P>The dynamics of this relationship is getting better. He had a mental meltdown because he got so angry about the bank. Saturday he even said he was leaving me. He even left for an hour and half. I just let him go and work through it himself. <P>He signed up for a new bank account at a bank that is not the best in customer service. He got angry. I have to say he has handled this a bit better and I handled it a lot better. Instead of taking it personally and jumping in to save the day I just waited and let him deal with it. It was the best thing I could have done for him. I see him gaining in confidence and problem solving skills. So Saturday he was screaming that our weekend was over to on Sunday helping plant bulbs and carving a pumpkin. <P>It is good to see you back on the boards. I am sorry you still have some unresolved issues. I hope you are doing better. Please let me know. I worry so much about all of us.<BR>

Way to go, girl!<P>I think there are many of us that are somewhat codependent. I know I am. Always wanting to make up for what they don't give, bailing them out, excusing their behavior...<P>I think you are doing the right thing for BOTH of you. I too am learning to detach and be there for him but not solve it for him! And you are right, I too have seen him doing better when I get out of the way!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have come to the realization that I lived and thrived once without Tony and I can do it again either with him or without him.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>You have reached Nirvana & total enlightenment!<P>This is what you MUST understand in order to <B>successfully</B> graduate MB & be able to carry on emotionally healthy in your life.<P>This doesn't mean it's not sad or will not affect your emotions, but simply that it will not hold you down forever.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Schizzo,<P>Thank you very much for the way to go. It has been very hard for me to learn to let things go. I never thought of myself as co-dependent. I might be. I know for the longest time I was really afraid of leaving or loosing Tony. Now I am not. <P>Letting him fall on his face and do things for himself really has helped him. Saturday when he was angry about the bank I just let him do what ever he needed to do to work through the anger and resentment. It seems to work with him. He had a huge amount of space from me. I think Saturday we did not do anything together. He really needed that I needed to not be made to feel that I have to solve everything. See your post I wrote something there for you.<P>Chris,<P>Thanks. I think you are right. Coming to this understanding has helped me a great deal. How are things going for you? Your wife amazes me. I guess I could understand walking out on a spouse but children. Not to even call for days on ends. You are an amazing person and your children are lucky to have you. I have always been in astonished by you.<BR>