I can't explain how I feel, it is so strange!!!<P>This past week, H has appeared distant. Things had been going so well and now, Nothing with a capital N.<P>His distance has raised a few hairs on my back, because naturally you think the worst when you are not constantly his focus. He says he is trying to be NORMAL... ignoring me would be normal, but I was under the impression we were trying to be different from what we used to consider NORMAL!!!<P>I didn't want that kind of normal anymore. Anyway, I have completely shut down on the HIS NEEDS program because he is not even trying to meet any of my needs. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I wonder what is up with him. He sits at this 666 machine every night, completely ignoring his wife and family.<P>I swear, I didn't think we would so quickly be back in this zone, I really want to give up now. I may be waiting for this man to do something or be something he is totally incapable of being or doing. He is doing nothing to enhance our relationship. I think he is bored and I am just plain too damn tired to crank up this "I do it all for you, so I can get rewarded for it" crap!!! I can't even imagine us spending 15 hours a week together, hell, we do good to spend 5 minutes together, and he wants that time to be spent yahooing or should I say, wiggling, at 3:00 am! Ain't prudent, not gonna do it!<P>You guys go through these mundane periods? How do you survive? Any suggestions?<P>Cathy<BR>

Hi Cathy,<P>Sorry you are having such a hard time lately. I wonder about some men who are not really capable of emotional intimacy. I think I maybe unconsciously chose a man like that so I would not be threatened due to my history of abuse.<P>I do think you have to keep giving and open yourself up and try to lead him back to intimacy. Have you read How One Of you can bring the two of you together? Can you set a time limit to give it your all for atime, but if he does not respond in a certain amount of time you can rethink what you are doing?<P>This proabaly isnt much help, I am not really faced with those decisions yet as we are way to far form being even that close. But I will be praying for you.<BR>Hugs, Lora<BR>

catplay,<P>same thing has been happening to me. I thought we were making slow progress. He was withdrawing and felt we were back sliding. Let's face it, men and women do speak different languages. My gut instinct is to stop meeting his needs when he shuts me out like that. But, you and I both n=knwo that if we do that we will end up right back where we dont want to be. It is so easy to fall back into old patterns. Are you guys working the EN's side of the MB principles? I noticed that if I continue to work to meet his needs, he is more liekly to try and meet mine. We have to establish good solid patterns with eachother before the bad ones really go away. It's a lot of hard work but the pay off will be great.<P>cleo

I agree. And I went thru this, too, C!<P>These "mundane" periods that make you feel alarmed ARE alarms.<P>It means you need to work on fixing it.<P>Pre-affair "normal" is not acceptable to me anymore. It's a whole new ballgame.<P>These periods just mean you need to beef up your marriage work. He's not meeting your needs. Tell him (non-judgmentally, if possible) that you have a hard time wanting to meet his needs because you feel yours aren't being met and you feel LB'd re: his time on his 'puter. Negotiate from there if you have to. <P>The alarm is going off. It's time to go to work. Don't put it off hoping you or he will feel better or snap out of it.<P>It's a signal, not a "zone".<P>As a result of a discussion like this with my H, I made out this cute little wallet sized card with a list of my top 5 needs and three examples of each on how he can best meet them. (Look at yours again and see if it needs a reprioritizing, C. Mind did!)<P>I also redid my LB questionnaire list. I plan on sharing it with my H a little later but it's wayyyy tooo loooonggg to make into a wallet size. But if he's meeting my needs, they tend not to have as much "punch", no?<P>Aloha,<P>L<BR><P>------------------<BR><I>No rain, no rainbows</I>

Catplay,<BR>After all the work, no wonder you feel angry by this turn of events. Going back to 'normal' is setting yourself and h up for future problems. I would go beck to the basics-the most important needs and work on them. Also look at the 5 Languages of Love book (think by Chapman). Some good info there.<BR>Where are your recreational needs? His? <BR>Have no idea what a 666 machine is, but it sure is not your idea of fun together! <BR>One of my goals for rebuilding is that we would spend more time together. It has been tough becasue now he is home so much and he used to travel. Suddenly we are having to come up with ideas to meet this recreational need that used to be so easy. <BR>cl