Rick, I sit here with tears pouring down my face wishing my husband felt for me the way you feel for your wife. She is so lucky, I want so badly for my H to love, appreciate, admire and cherish me. He is so self centered. Maybe he always has been and I denied the possibility, because I didn't want it to be true.<P>I think back on my life with him and see how he has always needed the attention and admiration from others. I guess from me alone was not enough or I didn't give enough to him.<P>Do you ever wonder if the two of you were really meant to be together? At some point doesn't the reason you got together no longer matter. You just wonder why you are together or why you want this person in your life? It sometimes seems so fruitless.<P>I'm having an extremely bad night, and I really don't know why. I have felt distance from my H for about two weeks. I don't know what is bothering him, but I know him well enough to know it is something.<P>Your wife is missing the boat. I wish I could tell her how wonderful you are, how much you love her and make her come out of the fog. But, we know, she will have to do that on her own. That is the most painful part of this ordeal, waiting and hoping.<P>Why can't my H or your W feel or try to feel for us the way we do for them? It seems that we are all so mismatched. Why can't we put all the WS's together on an island and put all of the BS's on another island and see who will survive, the good or the bad...we won't talk about the ugly!!! You know who!!!<P>If I knew I could walk out on this torn and shattered marriage right now, without any remorse or emotional baggage and meet someone like you, I think I would do it in a heart beat.<P>Should we look for someone else? What would this prove? Would this prove to us that we are exciting and desired too. Don't we deserve to feel good too?<P>Sorry, feeling rejected and lonely tonight!<P><BR>Blessings, Cathy

Hi Catplay,<P>I know what you're saying, Hon.<P>I'll tell you something, I'm determined to do this if it doesn't work out with my H .... the next time around or if I start really dating ... (am I delusional???) the guy will have to be a graduate of the school of MB principals, he'll have to be able to recite His Needs/Her Needs backwards and forwards, he'll have to know my EN like the back of his hand and I his. <P>I really like your idea of putting all the cheaters on an Isle .... they'd kill each other trying to cheat and lie on each other ... LOL! They wouldn't be able to meet one another's EN and the Isle would be a place of unhappiness and complete bedlam! SAVAGES!!!!<P>I'm so sorry you're so down Cathy, please know I'm right there with you ... feeling the same hurt and pain ... I wish I could make your pain go away. We don't deserve this. <P>God Bless you.<P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited October 22, 2000).]

I get down on myself sometimes (too much). I try to remind myself that my wife is hurting too. She separated from me, not to hurt me but to save herself. I can see this now. I was numb, then mad, then desparate. None of these helped either one of us. When I started working on myself, and trying to fill her EN from 8 miles away, I made headway. I feel better about me too.<BR>My wife has asked me what I plan to do after our divorce hearing and I told her even if we get divorced I will still consider myself married and that I hope we could work our way back to being married. If this doesn't work out I'm not looking for another woman in my life, I will have to learn to live with me and I have to like myself to do that.<BR>I know after other people saying we seemed so happy together that not everone else I see is as good, or happy as they seem from outside. We all have our problems, don't we?

Hi Catplay,<P>I haven't been over here much, but I feel exactly like you do. Ever since she left me, I've been craving companionship and affection. I think part of it is lonliness, and part is a need to feel attractive and desirable, neither of which I feel now.<P>I'm not actively pursuing anyone else right now, but I'm not sure I'd pass up the opportunity if it presented itself.<P>There is nothing like the love of your life discarding you for another. I know all too well the pain you are feeling.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

I guess I better respond since my name is in the title of this posting <P>I can relate to all your questions/feelings. It is a hard road towards restoring one's marriage, and sometimes, with the resent and other feelings that go with being the BS, I wonder where does it all lead? What is the right thing to do? Can I/we recover from this situation? Are we right for each other. But then I think that "right" is just too subjective and depends on meeting ENs. Everyone wants the fairytale relationship, I suppose one that always feels the way it does at the start (butterflies etc.), and I suppose affairs are a way of looking for that (in a foggy way of course).<P>It seems like forever since I've had any affection to speak of from my wife, that it is almost like I'm immune to the feeling of not having any. Sort of like you are at war fighting for your marriage, and don't have time to think of it. But when you stop and do think about it, you miss it.<P>I'm rambling with no real point here. But for me the bottom line is that I married my wife, loved her and still do (although tainted somewhat at this time), had 2 kids together, and I want to be married to her forever. We let our relationship slide, which got us to where we are at, but thanks in part to MB, I believe that we can recover and be happy. We had no real problems to speak of, other than losing the togetherness we had, so I think in my case, it can get better. Unfortunately, only one of us thinks that right now. Way too many people think that love is just natural, and it is either there or not, and if not, then that is life and you must move on. Everyone in the world should be forced to know about MB and the principles.<P>All we can do is try our best....it seems to boil down to Plan A when all things are considered.<P>Take care.

Dear Catplay:<P>Have you shared your feelings with your H?<P>Have you told him that you want to feel "head over heals" in-love?<P>Have you told him that you deserve to be honored, loved, and cherished?<P>I SURE DID!!!--TOLD MY H, THAT IS!!!! <P>NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO "SETTLE" FOR LESS THAN A GOOD MARRIAGE. Both H/W deserve to be honored, loved, and cherished by the other.<P>I firmly believe that this site gives every couple the tools to rebuild if/when they decide to WORK ON THE MARRIAGE. <P>I also believe that it's possible to lead a WS back to the *state of intimacy*.<P>Perhaps you are relying on your H too much? Wrapping up too much of yourself in *him*??? Does that make any sense at all to you?<P>I know when I first found out about my H's affair, I felt like I lost myself. Who would Marie be without her H? How would Marie survive? Who would be Marie's friend? Who would be Marie's card partner on "couples night"? I felt as though I not only lost my H, but I lost my *identity*. I was supposed to be Mrs. HHH!!!!--- NOT EX-MRS. HHH.<P>A huge part of my *recovery* had to do with re-discovering ME. Realizing that I was strong, smart, courageous, fun, vital and a <B>WHOLE PERSON</B>--all by myself!!<P>Realizing that I could enjoy MY LIFE--YES, MY LIFE--with or without my H. Of course, I made it crystal clear that he was more than welcome to join me in MY *NEW* LIFE, but I also made it clear that this "train" wasn't stopping for long--with or without him.<P><B>Take back your LIFE Catplay!</B> Be true to yourself...do what YOU need to do to find PEACE...to rediscover the fun in your LIFE.<P>Don't waste another precious second wallowing over what happened yesterday--or what may happen tomorrow--JUST SIMPLY HONOR, LOVE, AND CHERISH YOURSELF <B>TODAY</B>!<P>Peace and Hugs, ~Marie<BR><P>------------------<BR>"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars." ~unknown

I wanted to respond here too so you knew I was thinking of you too. I guess we all are feeling unloved and uncherished lately. I think our WS are out of their minds to leave such devoted followers! <P>Oh, that's right they are...clinically fogged in. Well, I am thinking of you tonite too. Hang in there. <P>The attenton thing rang a bell in my head. You know, my H's mom is an ex-actress and a real ham. Do you think that my h could be suffering from the same delusion, but cannot live up to it? He always showed off his abilities, I always thought it was pride of achievement, not showing off! Hummmm, I wonder...<P>And what is pride, and high self esteem, anyway? If it goes too far, then is it showing off? Unrealistic and doomed to failure of aquirement? His mother can never get enough...<P>Oh, well, it is still his fault. He didn't express changing feelings, he broke the vows; it really doesn't matter if he is vain or not. I think that is obvious. That is between he and God, however, I cannot change him. I will no longer try. I've learned my lesson!

<BR>Hi Cathy:<P>If I could reach across all these miles and wrap my arms around you I would...just to ease some of the pain you feel. But words are all I have to give you hope and very few of those will give you any comfort. <P>I feel I've lost more then just a H in the last few years...I lost a lot of my joy, my hope, my pride and dignity, and yes, at times, a little self confidence....but my H didn't take these away when he had the A...I slowly let his inability to deal with life erode away all the joy in my life.<P>Cathy, don't let your H do this to you...wake up and see that there is still life out here...you're not going to give up on life just because he's not trying. Love him...but don't let him or anyone else be the measure of your life...only you should do that. <P>I love my H...but he has caused me great pain in my life...and from here on after I only want people in my life who give me joy...right now that's my children and my family and it's enough. If someday he wants to share that joy again with us...well, maybe...or not....either way I intend to be happy...again.<P>It's for you to decide...only you can make yourself happy. Open your heart, fill it with sunshine and begin to live again.<P>Angels and Prayer ~ Faye<P><BR> <BR> <P> <BR>

Thanks to all of you for your response and tender words. I am going to post another thread at this time, don't know what I will call it, but watch for it... Thanks again. Cathy