My wife (WS) separates our pre-existing marriage problems (distant, child centered due to extended illness of our youngest son) from her affair - saying they're two separate issues. Consequently, she discusses "healing" from our problems prior to any reconciliation attempts and still denies the affair (just friends). She will not participate in counseling - "maybe later." It's like she wants the affair to just disappear into the past as if it never happened - although two families were devastated. I consider the pre-existing problems created the environment for the affair and they cannot be separated. She hasn't ruled out reconciliation when the time is right (read, finished playing with OM?), but says she will always be friends with OM. Is this typical denial and rationalization? My wife is very stubborn and a perfectionist, so I expect she'll suppress her responsibilities and admit no mistakes until she either crashes or the aliens return her brains. D-day and start of the affair were near simultaneous 4 months ago. We're separated but frequently interact to care for our surviving son. Plan A all the way.<P>WT<P>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited October 23, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited October 23, 2000).]

As I read your post, your W's statements reminded me so strongly of my H's when he was in the affair. There isn't a lot, other than Plan A or Tough Love, that you can do with them with they are in this state.<P>She's wrong not to go to counseling. She's wrong to think she could at some point have you as a husband and the OM as a friend. She would also be wrong if she thought she could have the OM as a husband & you as a friend. Nobody gets to have all the options.<P>And, as someone wise here has said, "get a friend you haven't slept with."<P>Are you seeing a counselor? I saw one on my own for quite some time before Guard joined me...but at that time our relationship didn't do well, a couple more separations...I began to refuse to go & he went by himself. <P>I think one of the best pieces of advice my counselor gave me after the point where I had given everything I had to the possibility of reconciliation, he advised me to treat my H as if we were divorced, we had gone through multiple separations, and I couldn't cope anymore. <P>With kids, I found Plan B unworkable, but setting up regular visitation, not being his emotional *support* person & moving on with my life without him seem to all have been a catalyst in his turnaround and our reconcilation--but I also did Plan A previous to that for 18 months, so time itself & the affair ending may have been the real factores. Even hindsight is difficult to read sometimes.<P>A change in one partner forces a change in the other, just as your W's affair & separation have forced a change in you. <P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Thanks Lor, I intend to consult with the Harleys soon and I'm seeing a therapist because of the severe depression my wife's affair brought on - on top of losing a child less than a year earlier - but I'm very strong now and I feel like I have the upper hand emotionally and morally! I'm sure that because I have the resources of MB, I know so much more about the psychology of affairs than she does and it gives me an advantage.<P>Plan A in progress. She's not ready for counseling. She needs to have the fog completely lift - I think there's some lifing in progress - and needs to commit to saving the marriage before she will constructively participate in counseling. In a choreographed scheme right after the affair started and was discovered, she and the OM arranged for both couples to go to counseling - in hindsight it was a ruse just so WS and OM could say they went and it failed.<P>My concern was her compartmentalization of our pre-existing marriage problems and the affair. I think she's lying to herself about the affair, using our resolvable, pre-existing problems as an excuse to separate and perpetuate the affair. Hmmmm?<P>WAT<p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited October 23, 2000).]