I have been debating on whether or not to tell the OW's spouse about his wifes affair with my H. OW's H is away at see in the military at the moment. I have been arguing with myself over this matter for some time. My reasoning to tell him is that since he is not here with his wife, she is free to do anything she wants. i.e. her husband isn't here to keep an eye on her to keep her away from my H. <P>My H is unemployed at the moment. He had to quit since the OW was his employee. I call to check up on my H at home while i am at work. But there is nothing stopping her from trying to contact my H. <P>Should i seek other measures to ensure that no contact is made between the OW and my H and not tell OW's souse? i.e. logging my h's car mileage, recording all calls to and from our house?<P>I am very worried that she will try to contact him because my husband ended it with her on the phone at our house one night. Then he gave his resignation to work the next day. She may have the urge to call him and ask him "why" since he ended it abruptly and unexpectantly with little and no explanation as to why(to her). Also, i'm pretty sure that she has a strong urge to contact him in hopes to spark things up between them since she doesn't have much going for her in her life right now. i.e. lousy paying job, husband is away so she is very lonely, raising a son from a previous boyfriend etc. This is just a guess on my part, but i'm trying to be proactive here and trying to put myself in her shoes. I'm sure my H looks like filet mignon right now and her life probably feels like ground chuck to her. Upgrading seems like the natural thing for her to do.<P>What measure have some of you taken to ensure distance between the OP and your spouse? What's ethical, what has worked? Mind you, i plan to tell my H about any phone tappings, i don't plan to do anything withoug letting him know. <P>Ideas please<P>One last note, do any of you recommend i call OW to warn her and tell her to stay away or should i just leave it alone? I 've been fantasizing about a confrontation with her. And i mean a lot of fanatasies too. <P><BR>

worthatry,<P>I know you fell like you have to do something. We all do.<P>1. Dont call her.<BR>2. You can't stop him or her from doing anyting. It is up to them to do that.<P>If you try to do either of those you may make your husband defensive. Stick to Plan A. Let him know in a non LB way what you expect and go from there. It's hard but its the right thing to do.<P>cleo<BR>

Dear Aandre<P>Let them stay as fantasies.<P>Have you both been to marital counselling to sort out issues such as trust,commitment, the future, acceptable boundaries of behaviour, etc.?<P>Godspeed<BR>weep

From an MB veteran:<P>It's ok to think about those things, just don't DO them.<P>You will look like a psycho -- jealous and vindictive. <P>Have you read all the recommended readings on the welcome thread?<P>One of the best in addition to SAA is "Affairs, Emergency Tactics", by Carol Rhodes. <P>She points out that you want to maintain Self Control and Self Respect. Doing things rashly gives you more to clean up after whether you stay married or not.<P>My h. was Number 3 office affair for our OW. Two of them (H and boss) overlapped by several months. <P>I have talked to numerous friends of theirs within the professional community we share with her, and the consensus is, he will find out eventually, if he doesn't suspect already. So far, I am waiting for her conscience (if she still has any semblance of one) to make her break down and confess.<P><BR>My nickels worth.<P>lizpearl

If her husband is away at sea, what will he be able to do? It will be horrible for him to be powerless and so far away. Plus, if he decides to end the marriage, the other woman will be available and with nothing to lose by pursuing your husband.<P>I really don't understand the phone idea. If you trust your husband, there is no need to record the phone calls, and if you don't trust him telling him you are recording the calls will just send him to a phone booth or cell phone.<P>If you confront or threaten the other woman, she will know that you believe she is powerful enough to disrupt your marriage. That is a very bad idea. Your post sounds like you are putting all the blame on the other woman, but both she and your husband are to blame. Be suspicious of both, and be vigilant.<P>Peppermint

Well...I think if her husband is away at sea, and your H is no longer readily available at work for her to talk to..she'll find another man..she'll head to the bars<BR>and pick them up there if she can't find them<BR>at work..<P>I live in a Navy community and I know that<BR>as soon as the men head to sea alot of the wives are out at the bars..and when the ships<BR>return the wives stop going out..and go home to hubby's as if nothing happened..trust me there is not a shortage of men for her to get hold of while her hubby is away..the men around here know when the ships go out to sea..and they are all at the bars too looking for those lonely sailors wives..so trust your hubby..he took a major leap quiting his job to make you feel secure in his love..

One more thing..if they are having problems now and she's out w/ other men while her H is at sea..Your h wasn't the first..and won't be the last.