<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

Off:<P>I'm convinced that guys are just wired differently than women. We tend to think that if the major stuff regarding relationships is taken care of, the little things, tiny gestures, etc., can slide. Women are exactly the opposite. The little gestures are proof that the big stuff is okay.<P>Take the following with a grain of salt, given that I'm a WS, and this is one area that my W pointed out my own deficiencies in, but: <P>(a) on the "sweet talk" side, your W wants confirmation that you find her attractive, smart, charming, funny, a good person to be around, etc. Women like to hear particulars in this area -- not just "baby, you're one hunka burning love," et. al. She KNOWS you think her breasts, or butt, or legs, or whatever turns you on, are great. She'd like to know that you noticed a particular thing -- that she did her hair differently, or that a particular outfit makes her look good, or that she told a particularly funny joke. She'd like to hear you express appreciation for a particular nice thing she did for you, or a particular thing she did that showed a quality you appreciate. She wants to know that you value her opinion. <P>(b) on the "buttering up" side. Again, you should be looking for particulars here. Try to figure out something that you can do for her that she would enjoy, that would show that you know the kind of person she is. For instance, my W LOVES a particular kind of cosmetic and adores the small size ones that can be taken on trips. So whenever anyplace in town runs a sale where you can get a free gift of sample sizes for spending a certain amount, I run out and get her some.<P>This kind of stuff takes work. You have to notice when she mentions liking (or not liking) something, remember it, and figure out a way to do something for her that would reflect that. If it helps, carry around a piece of paper and write things down as they occur to you, then make it a point to do one thing on the list every week or so. Get her flowers for no reason. Take off early from work and surprise her with take-out. Meet her for lunch one day. Start a weekend by giving her a bag, already packed, to a mystery destination.<P>Like I said, this stuff doesn't come easy to me, either. And I don't know how into this stuff you're going to be since your W is the WS. Just my two cents. Take care and good luck.

She's looking for you to touch her heart and feel that you are thinking of her. This doesn't always require physical contact.<BR>Romance her, here are some ideas:<P>1. Send flowers to her workplace. Bring some home sometimes, too.<BR>2. Send her love cards.<BR>3. Write a love letters.<BR>4. Leave short notes in unexpected places to surprise her.<BR>5. Show appreciation for things taken for granted in the past. <BR>6. Send her email cards to show her that you are thinking of her.<BR>7. Give sincere compliments at appropriate times.<BR>8. Listen to love songs together.<BR>9. Look at photo albums from your past; walk down memory lane.<BR>10. Make special meals for the evening.<BR>11. Plan a sunset picnic.<BR>12. Plan an activity that will be fun for the whole family.<P>Don't expect instant change and don't expect hugging and kissing. Just enjoy the moment, be a gentlemen.<P>Good luck, MT

Contrary to the old saying, flatery <I>will</I> get you somewhere. Complementing her physical apearence is only a start. After all, she was born with those eyes and had no say in what color they turned out to be. Complement her choice of clothes or hair style, choice of music, anything and everything she chooses about herself. Shoes. Every woman I know loves shoes. The next time she buys a new pair of shoes (and you probably won't have to wait long) tell her they look nice. Whant to lay it on thick? How about telling her what it does to you when you see her in that dress. Tell her she is the sexiest woman you have ever met. Or a more subtle gesture; get caught staring at her breasts. When she sees you, make eye contact, smile sheepesly and look away.<P>Like Taxman said, go for particulars. Do this daily, sometimes casually and plutonic, sometimes overtly sexual. It takes time but she difently enjoy the ego boosts and I believe that it is fun to make someone feel good about themselves.

I've had to refocus on this area, since my wife moved out. My wife put up a wall to anything overly close. I would ask her if I could hug her. Little by little I worked at making physical contact, but lighter less needy more reassuring. I would pat her hand when we were talking,when the mood was close. <BR> Notice if she wears something new, gets a perm, is in a good mood(don't act suprised).<P>I compliment her to others too. They need to know I love her too. If they repeat the compliment to her it carries even more weight. My kids are the main ones that need to hear me compliment her.<BR> I bought her a Whittman Sampler,(buy the little ones more often), and when she asked why I said she likes them so much that I think of her whenever I see one. I check CDs and books out of the library that I think she'll like, no worry about returning ones she doesn't like, they all go back anyway, no cost either. If there are any ones she really likes I can buy them. <BR>I Call her up sometimes, and tell her I just want to hear her voice. <BR> When the kids are with me and doing something great or funny,I take their picture. and share copies with her. She can join in on their fun. <BR>Most of all look, listen, learn what makes her happy. My wife got a new puppy. He's so cute. The kids were so excited,and kept talking about it, I felt so left out. The next day I asked if I could meet the puppy, she was suprised, thought I'd be mad. I told her I know how much she loves dogs, how could I be mad. Now when I pick up or drop off the kids I get to visit the puppy too. There is no reason not to accept and make this part of me too. We both enjoy this now.<BR>I asked if she wanted the kids an extra night , the day after they got the puppy, because I know they would like it and puppies grow up too fast. It made me feel good to know that I could make then all happy.<P>well there is no end of ideas if you look, but I supose I better end. maybe more later?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Daniel (edited October 24, 2000).]

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

Hi OOOO:<P>The responses here are painful to read because I know how unwelcome most of these gestures would probably be. I would say that what's needed now is not the same as what was needed earlier in your relationship and what will be needed later when she is able to like you again.<P>The nice gestures that I appreciated at this stage were things like folding the laundry and taking the garbage out (but not in my presence because then it felt like an indictment because I hadn't done it!)<P>When the situation stabilizes, I endorse all of the suggestions made here except the one about the shoes. Don't know about your W, but I don't buy shoes myself if I can buy it. Right down there with buying lingerie -- one looks awful; the other just hurts.<P>Cottonwood.

OffOnOnOff..."I’m sorry I’m not a romantic or sweet talk person."<BR>Look in the card racks in the grocery storeor card shop. In the section marked love or missing you there is most likly several cards that will be right. When you find them buy them. Then you will have them when you want them. You could put them on her car,at work or at home. Last week I found out she would be walking into her chiropractor's office about the time I would be walking out. I bought a red rose earlier. I put it on her car windshield.

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

OffOnOnOff: let's share crazy or what.... I have a stack (4-6 various cards) at any given time. I also made sure I wrote my wife's name on the envelopes just in case she were to find them, she has a active mind.<BR>I can set and read them myself, and feel better too. <BR>we all are trying to seem normal. I don't know if I'm doing a good job or not.<BR>

It's just me again. Home alone looking for company. Just wanted to tell another crazy thing in the card section. When you look at the cards you would like to get yourself. The ones that say how wonderful you are as a dad, or husband, or lover... I look at them and see what I need to do to fit the card. Do I need to be more patient, kind, understanding, etc. I must look a sight tears rolling down my cheek with a happy birthday dad card in my hands. What fun.<BR>I need to get out more. I am laughing right now at the picture of me doing this. <BR>

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

One idea that has helped me with giving cards is to put them where you know she will get them but don't always ask if she got them, or if she likes them, etc. She can like them without admiting it to you. <BR>I drop off mail that comes here for my wife, and sometimes I slip in a card from me. So far I only got a response to one card, out of 8-10. My siblings and mom sent her cards and I asked how she was doing with them. She said she hadn't opened them because she didn't want to face it. I asked her if she puts my cards away too. She was facing to the side and I could see her cheeks turn red and a smile on her face. No mistake she opens them. If you want to say your sorry for anything, write a note saying it. you can edit it till it is perfect. She can read it over and save it. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Daniel (edited October 28, 2000).]