I can't remember if I've seen this topic here before.<P>My W announced it was over in May and was nice as pie to me about it (great person, great parent, etc...and so on).<P>When I uncovered her affair end of June, all that disappeared and hasn't been heard since.<P>In fact she's turned everything around on me, caused grief for me regarding division of property, and alienated her family from me.<P>Is this normal?? I can't imagine, but maybe it is.<P>Jay<p>[This message has been edited by catamount82 (edited October 23, 2000).]

Hi Jay,<P>How did you discover the affair? More importantly, how did you inform her that you knew? How/what words were exchanged at that moment?<P>The turn around in her could be due to the items above as well as anger in being discovered. Her apple cart has been turned over. I'm actually surprised that anger is her reaction, I would've thought shame especially since she was being nice to you.<P>Many Tears

Hello Jay,<P>My husband is the betrayer in our marriage, but he did not react the way you describe your wife's reaction. The only anger he has shown is at himself, though I have seen flashes of anger toward the OW for trying to put all of the blame for the affair on my husband.<P>However, when my sister-in-law was caught by her husband, she reacted just as you describe. I have not seen one single bit of remorse or guilt from her. The more he tried to save their marriage, the angrier and unkinder she got. She finally admitted that she was doing it deliberately because she wanted her husband to either leave her or throw her out so that she would have the chance to get a bigger financial settlement when they divorced.<P>Who knows why betrayers act like they do? It is all some degree of mental illness even if it is just temporary insanity.<P>Peppermint

Many Tears,<P>I uncovered it by a mistake on her part. She called his cell phone thinking it would not appear on the bill. I had scoured all the phone bills and found nothing until the latest bill at the time. It was the OM's voice mail. I then did a thorough check of all our bills going back 6 months, found that some of them were missing, called LD Co., had them faxed to me, and saw they were being mailed to another address (her girlfriends).<P>BUSTED!<P>Called Marriage Counsellor, said she was surprised at this news (she was also W's personal counselor for months prior to Marriage Couselling), called emergency session, she denied any affair, and twisted the entire discussion some other issue about my not allowing her to move 3 hours away with D. This was so she could be near OM. Apparently she had been seeing this counselor for months without alerting her there was OM.<P>I think the fact that her "plan" to move near other man being thwarted may have caused much of the anger.<P>I just can't grasp how a betrayer can be so vindictive and not show the least sign of remorse. This is what drives me nuts. When I've done a wrong, no matter how small, I always come clean in a sincere and forthright way.<P>Jay

Yes, yes, yes... it is insanity at its best. Seriously, think of an addict - as long as you are not in the way of the bottle, the butt, the pills ... everything is great. Stop them from getting that next drink, smoke or fix, and you are lower than the belly of a pregnant ant... <P>Same with an affair. Addiction + guilt = serious hostility. It is not rational thought nor behavior. It has NOTHING to do with you...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Could they also be mad at the one who didn't stray, for doing something they couldn't, for staying faithful. <BR>The worse you are as a spouse, the more they feel they had a right to stray. <BR> Nobody likes being caught doing bad, especially where everyone will hear of it.<BR>Is there a good reason to tell all your family and friends? what does that do for you? what would they say if you said you want to reconcile? It doesn't help your kids either to hear people talking about their parents. chose the high road whenever you can.