This is going to be long.<P> My wife (marriage builders name Bink) and I started marriage counseling in January 1999. We have been married 26 years, most of that time we had a fairly distant relationship. There have been real problems on both sides. When we got married I was very young(20, she was 17) and had a pornography problem. I was very liberal and didn't understand at all what my wife's problem was with the Playboy's and the like. She was very upset by this. Also I didn't really grasp being faithful, and propositioned a couple of gals in that first year of marriage. Fortunately, they both turned me down as they were clear drunken one night stand things. I was very physically faithful for the next 5 years. My wife gave up on trying to stop my porn problem and said it would be ok if I just used it with her. Oh God, how I wish she would have tried to stop me harder back then before the problem got any more entrenched. Any way due to self-esteem issues stemming from my porn problem and the distance it created between us she was vunerable to an affair. In May 1980 she and my best friend(?!?) meet me in my living room one night and announced that she wanted a divorce so that she could marry my friend. The good news is that her resolve on that issue was weak and by the next morning she had decided to stay with me. My ex-friends wife and I did have a very brief sexual retaliation right after this, marking the first time I'd ever been physically unfaithful and I felt tremendous guilt about that, and swore to myself and God that I would never do that again. After a very rocky summer things sort of returned to normal with a bit more distance and resentment.<P> Because we didn't resolve this properly it took me almost 8 years to really get over this betrayal on her part. At this point I was mostly in the relationship for our children and for financial reasons. In 1987 I did have a drunken one night stand and things between us were so strained that I didn't even feel any guilt about that one at the time(I do now). In 1988 my wife had a medical problem and I thought I might lose her. This experience shook me right down to my foundation and made me realize how much I really loved my wife. I began at this time to value our relationship alot more, but still had the porn problem and had trouble getting close enough emotionally to make my wife feel as good about our relationship as I did.<P> The next 11 years went by fairly peacefully but we gradually drifted apart. In January 1999 I had my mid-life crisis and sat down with my wife and told her that I wasn't getting any younger and that we either needed to make this relationship fullfilling or get out and move on. We started into marriage counseling, the counselor sucked, but the structure did get us on the road to a much better relationship. Also at this point I started working on eliminating my porn problem, this proved to be alot tougher than I would have ever thought. We had a couple of very bad fights over times when I slipped on my porn problem, but at least there was a very good deeply fullfilling relationship the rest of the time. Things just got better and better until January 2000.<P> In January 2000 after my 5th slip on the porn problem in the preceding year. My wife dropped some pretty big bombs of her own. Her whole confession shocked and surprised me. That first affair that I knew about had several encounters over the two years after I thought it was over. She had also had a one night stand with a guy she meet in a bar. Then there was a phone sex thing with one of her out of state clients. The final bitter blow was that she had been having an affair with another of my good friends(?!?) for the three year period 1996-1999. I worked very hard to forgive and forget, it was very difficult and took several months but I do think I've sucessfully forgiven her.<P> Anyway things were going quite well I thought, until she asked me what I would do about the rest of my life if she were to die. I told her that due to my awful childhood that I don't do lonely very well and would most likely remarry. Well this started a new round of insecurity on her part. I have a bad reaction pattern formed from the guilt I feel about the porn problem that I've had for most of our marriage. This causes a problem in that when she is wanting reassurance about my mental faithfullnes, I generally feel attacked and get angry instead of giving her the reassurance that she needs.<P> Now after almost two years of effort, reading all of Dr. Harley's books and applying the principles to the best of my ability, she is saying that our needs don't mesh and she wants out of the marriage. She didn't exactly say she wants a divorce, but she clearly implied that even if we lived together that she would engage in an emotional divorce. She really hurt me bad this morning telling me that all of her other lovers treated her better than I do.<P> In her mind her most important need is Honesty, and to be reassured when she is feeling insecure. My most important need is <BR>Admiration and I clearly feel that her insecureties are major Dis-admiration ie a huge love buster. Any ideas on what I should do now?????

Just trying to get noticed

I know you have worked very hard on your marriage. But the fact that you are still addicted to porn is a HUGE LB for her. She cannot compete with that and she should not have to. But it is the perception that she cannot live up to your fantasy life, and she wants to feel sucure in your affection to her, but she cannot if you still are addicted to porn.<P>Her other relationships should not surprise you since her self esteem must suffer every time she is faced with your addiction. I think it is great that you forgive her for her A's, but it seems that if you do not get past your addictiona dn dive your full love and attention to your wife, her self esteem will eventually require her to move on for her sanity! <P>You know that many of the BS's here at this sight deal with unfaithfulness every day, and you know how we feel and how our self esteem is always on the edge ready to fall into the chasm for good. But you know that we usually come to our senses and let the WS go to protect ourselves and respect ourselves. Your wife may have gotten to that point after all of these years. <P>Talk to her, find out truly why she is doing what she is doing. If the root cause is something you cannot chgange about yourself, then if you really care for her, let her go to enjoy a new emotionally healthy life.

Thank you burnedspouse for your reply. It's been an awfully lonely day. I would agree with your statement that my wife should not have to endure my porn addiction. I'm truely trying very hard. In the last 22 months I've slipped 6 times and these were all single event slips(she knows about all of them too) and the last of those was in March. When you've had a problem like this for 30 years(age 15 to age 45, I'm now 47 and do consider myself in recovery), it doesn't just go away overnight. I've worked very hard trying to overcome this. It sometimes seems that no matter how hard I try it just isn't good enough. The past is always there to haunt me. You may be right that the best thing to do is let her go. At least that way we could both start over with a clean slate. I very much know that I would never make the same mistakes again.

Hi Sadboy:<P>There seems to be a lot of blame finding in your relationship with your wife. Although I realize you have a problem with the porn, that is an entirely different thing then infidelity.<P>Your wife has been unfaithful time and time again...with real live people. If your addiction has been ongoing for 20 years then of course it is difficult to quit. Since you have made the effort to quit and have been somewhat successful during the last few years, why has she continued to have affairs and one-night stands? One does not justify the other. <P>Has she tried to support your efforts? In your guilt I think you have rationalized that she is justified in having affairs because you are into porn. This isn't true...a commitment is a commitment...even through a tough situation like a porn addiction. If she didn't think she could live with the addiction she needed to have left the marriage...not contributed to the problems by having affairs. <P>Your marriage apparently has other problems then just the porn addiction...because you expressed the feeling that your marriage had gotten better after you sat your wife down and discussed how unhappy you were with the state of your marriage. <P>Curing your addiction is certainly a good place to start in restoring your marriage, but unless your wife deals with the fact that your addiction is perhaps not the sole reason for her infidelity then you will probably continue to have problems with her being unfaithful. I pray that you have continued progress with your problem.<P>Angels and Prayers ~ Faye <BR>

Yes I do agree with Faye on some points. There may be some other underlying reasons for her behavior that may not have anything to do with you. Ones stemming from childhood. Have you tried therapy(couples) or have you told her your feelings about doing all you can to overcome your addiction and that you are in recovery? How does she feel? Is she proud of you? I would be. I would feel gratified that you cared enough to do it at all. But does she really see your progress? Or is she in her own world now? <P>Connect with her. Talk as openly as you can and find the feelings of how you feel about her behavior, and how she feels(now and in the past)about your behavior; and see what comes from the truth. Confessions are good for the soul.<BR> <P>