For those of you playing along at home...<P>STBX leaves today for Vegas to visit friends, including OM. Over the past few weeks, she has been trying to repair some of the damage, even going so far as to put the divorce on hold. I had told her how I felt about her little trip, and basically told her that if she went to see him, it would be the final nail in the coffin she's built for our marriage.<P>Last night,I delivered her mail and some luggage to her apartment. I was going to leave right away, but she insisted that I stay and talk. <P>She told me that she had called OM and told him not to see her while she was in town! <BR>She told him there were too many things going on at home, and she really needed him to "just cool it for awhile." He agreed to leave her alone until...well, if we don't work things out! Not exactly a "no contact" letter, but I'll take what I can get!<P>Now, she's still going up there to see her other friends (everything's already paid for, and neither of us can afford to throw hundreds of dollars away), and she really needs a vacation.<P>She aksed me what I thought. I said that I know it was a hard thing to do, and that it may not have been what she wanted to do, but I appreciate and respect the fact that she did the right thing. She said "so, now what do we do?"<P>That's my question to all of you...how do I proceed? Is there a link to a place on the site where there's some sort of "recovery instruction manual?" What have others done in this situation? <P>As we were saying good night, she held on like she didn't want to let go, and for the first time in months said "I love you."<P>I'm still trying to scrape myself up off of the floor and figure out what the next move is...help!<BR>

cjack,<P>What great news for you and your wife! Don't have any sound advice as I'm not where you are (yet). But wanted to bring this post back to the top for you. I'd want to know this, too.<P>Many Tears

Wow!<P>Sorry, no manual, we sort of make it all up as we go.<P>Could you suggest going with her?<BR>Sometimes it is better to lose the money, but if she wants to go...<P>I know we drew much closer when we ended up on a trip together (another cruise) right after d-day. It wasn't fun, but we talked and talked...<P>Jennifer Harley convinced my h to send the no contact letter. I know you don't want to push too hard, but it really is an essential first step. She has to burn the bridges, SHE won't really give to the marriage until there is no OM waiting in the wings.<P>All that said, I'm very happy for you!!!<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by schizzo:<BR><B>Wow!<P>Jennifer Harley convinced my h to send the no contact letter. I know you don't want to push too hard, but it really is an essential first step. She has to burn the bridges, SHE won't really give to the marriage until there is no OM waiting in the wings.<P>All that said, I'm very happy for you!!!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>I actually gave her the rough draft of a "no contact" letter over the phone. She asked what she could do to make me trust her, and I explained that, if I were the WS trying to rebuild the marriage, I would put it like this:<P>"Dear (OW), I'm really very confused right now. I really care for you, and I don't want to hurt you, but I've come to realize that our relationship cannot continue anymore. We met and fell in love when we were both at an emotional low point. Both of us were weak, and that made it much easier to do the wrong thing. I don't know how to make this any easier, but I owe it to my W to give our marriage another try. I don't know if we can settle our differences, but I DO know that I can't focus on my W while you are still in the picture. So for now, please give me my space. Don't call me, e-mail me, or make plans to see me anytime. I know this will be hard for you, it will be hard for me, too, but I feel it is the right thing to do now. If our efforts fail, and my marriage doesn't work out, maybe we can have some relationship in the future...who knows? But for now, I can no longer see you. I'm sorry, and goodbye."<P>Now, I know she didn't tell him most of this, but after she gets home, I'll insist on a no contact letter. Baby steps!<P>I also read Harley's "Restoring love to your marriage" thing on the site.<P>Anyone else have ideas? Back to the top for more advice!!!<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by cjack (edited October 26, 2000).]

Hi cjack!<P>I've been following your story, and this looks like a very good sign! I'm so happy for you!<P>I would suggest what schizzo did, is there anyway possible you can go with her?!?!<P>As for the no contact letter, in simple terms, it's too nice! If your W were to give this to the OM, I think it leaves the door wide open for things to get started again. <P>There are plenty of examples on this site, you can do a search in the General Questions area, of other people's no contact letters. Mostly they are simple, short, and to the point. Nothing mushy, no feelings put out for things to get confusing, and the one point in yours which really stuck out was "So for now, please give me my space." This sentence right here leaves it wide open. It's saying that the door is shut right now, however, if things aren't going well, I'll be back. If you have the SAA (Surviving an Affair) book, there's a good example of a no contact letter in there.<P>My H never wrote a no contact letter. I wanted him to, but he didn't want to have anything to do with her, not even that. We've been in recovery since dday. Which was 9 months ago! We even renewed our vows at the end of September.<P>Let us know how things are going! This is a great first step for both of you! I'd still ask if you could go with her.... <P>Good luck! <P>--purplemag

Thanks PM...I never even thought I would be in this situation, at least not since she filed! I thought it was over and done with, so I'm trying to be careful of how I handle things.<P>As for going with her, I can't. Too much trouble getting off work, etc. Plus she's already gone.<P>I know my suggested "no contact" letter was way too nice, but it DID get her to break it off with him, if only temporarily. I think I have to ease her into the idea of actually sending him a letter. She is still waffling, and I don't want to deliver any ultimatums at this point. She still hasn't committed to trying to save the marriage, but I think she's ready to put the A behind her, and focus on the problems we had that led to this whole mess. And believe me, there are problems!<P>Thanks for the encouragment and advice! I really feel that, without the many fine people on this site, I never would have arrived at this point. Thanks again!

cjack,<P>It so happens I just dug out our letter for someone else:<P>OW,<P>I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children I have come to realize that I must never see, or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that Cindy did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay Cindy for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness.<P>I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me.<P>I have made Cindy fully aware of the relationship, and she has read all the emails and chats we have had. There is virtually no detail of our relationship (yours and mine) that she is not aware of.<P>Please respect my desire to end our relationship, in its totality. Please know that any further attempts to establish contact will be monitored by Cindy who has access to all my email accounts, including passwords. I have committed to Cindy that I will not allow any phone contact to occur.<P>Signed, h (sent by email with cc to me)<P>This was almost verbatim from the book SAA and you are free to use it. I don't think we could have written anything half as good.<P>It would be better, IMHO, for her to send a letter like this with real finality. Yours was way too sugar coated.<P>He decided to do it and he did it. I still had to reassure him many times that what he did was not only right for us but the best thing for OW, to let her loose. You might benefit from reading the Dumone thread. He's the WS seeking advice.

Cactus!<P>I am so jealous. I personally liked the letter it shows tenderness for the other's feelings-- if they are not volitile in the first place.(Axe murderer or something... )<P>I think caution is the way to go. I am not sure what to do. But reread "His needs her needs" and do that quiz to find out what the top needs are for each of you. That may be a place to start.<P>I wish my H would read one word. Good luck!

Thanks burnedspouse...of course this new development doesn't mean I'm not planning to go to Allison's in Jan, or who knows, maybe Vegas?!<P>Anyway, here's another question: I still wouldn't trust her with a burnt-out match, so how can I be sure she's not in contact with OM? I no longer have access to her e-mail, or anything for that matter, since she's moved out. <P>Any ideas as to how she can "prove" she's sticking to her word?<P>

Hi Cjack!<P>I am sorry to throw cold water on your progress (you and your wife really seem to be making some real progress) but and this is a big BUT There is no way in hell that she should go to where she might see or be in contact with OM.<P>cjack, do all you can to stop her going there, unless you are with her of course!<P>Good luck to you both.<P><P>------------------<BR>Angel

Sorry, but she's already gone there. Of course, Vegas is a big town, and he lives in Boulder City, buut yeah, the thought has crossed my mind more than a few times...is she going to see him anyway? Probably. <P>There's not much I can do at this point except to continue Plan A when she gets back. The last time we went without speaking for any length of time was when I took a vacation. That's when she put a hold on the divorce. Who knows, maybe a little time away could be just the ticket?<P>Anyway, I'd be wasting time if I spent all day thinking about "what if"s.<BR>