I've caught my W twice in the past year with OM (my ex best friend). 5 weeks ago was the last time. Now she tells me that we belong together. But I don't get that feeling. In the last week OM has driven by my house. I get a sinking feeling in my stomach every time I see him. I confronted my W today with this and she said that she hasn't had contact with him and doesn't want to either. How do I beleive her. there have been so many lies. I don't want to LB but It's eating at me. I need help dealing with this. The last time she was caught she told me that she would do anything to make me happy, yet I don't feel like she is really trying. I don't know if I'm just blind to see it or is she really not trying. I'm so confused. Counsling is out of the question. She won't go. I've gone on my own but it doesn't seem to make me feel any better. The meds help a little but this sinking feeling is so intence. How do I know what is the truth and who do I trust. PLEASE HELP BEFORE I TOTALLY LOSE IT!!!!!!!<BR>

Depressed H,<P>Well, I do know the answer to some of your questions. You don't trust W and you don't trust OM. Don't even think about starting. What is the truth?? Well, believe what you see. If you don't see her working, then she is not working. If you see her with OM, then she is with OM.<P>I am not trying to be harsh or funny DH. Your W needs to decide who she wants, and then she needs to start doing something about it. You might want to sit down with her and in a non-LB way talk to her about this and how you see things. <P>If you are not familiar with the website, go to the "Just Found out" section and look up NSR's welcome post. You may have to go back further than 10 days. Read about Love Busters, Plan A and Plan B.<P>If you are feeling that you two don't belong together, then she needs to know it. She needs to know that she hasn't provided any concrete evidence other than her presence that she really wants to make this work. She has provided you with several reasons not to trust her.<P>DH, now isn't the time to blow up the marriage and leave. However, now is the time to sit down and talk (don't fight, don't argue, don't accuse). Just talk about what you feel, what you want, and what it would take for you to begin to feel that the two of your should be together.<P>Maybe she will be honest with you. Maybe she will join you in working on the marriage. As you know, both of you will have to do that. Maybe she doesn't realize you will help her, if she will try.<P>Do your best to reduce this to simple and basic ideas and see if you can get them across to her.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>

Welcome <B>Depressed H</B>...<P>JL mentioned my links... here they are...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>After you understand the concepts...<BR>...especially <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<P>...see if you're ready to have your W send the OM a "break off relationship" letter...(on page 58-59 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank> "Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)<P>You have my prayers...<P>You are not alone!<P> <P>Jim

Thanks for the replys.<BR>I've been posting on and off here for about a year now. I've read all the books SAA, His needs/Her needs, and so many more. I read them myself. My W has no desire to read them. Beleive I've tried. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. I'm at a loss on what to do any more.I've tried to apply all the Harleys princapals but sometimes I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. It's so hard. I want the rollercoaster to stop.

The most helpful thing I did was make a list of things that my H had to do in order for me to see that he was trying. I made a very specific list. ie. go to individual counseling. get an accountability partner of the same sex(I got to approve the person)<BR>meet my ENs as much as possible. total honesty.<BR>This list gave him concrete things to do to help me see that he was serious. Your list will be individual to you and you situation.

Ladygirl75,<P>What a great idea! No guessing involved for him, and anything extra that he does would be a bonus for you.<P>You're a smart one, yes you are!<P>MT

Depressed H,<P>You say you have caught your wife two times with the same man. Think back to the first time you caught her, are any of the things she did before that in retrospect show that she didn't stop seeing him happening again?<P>If you can be convinced that your wife is not contacting the OM, and he still continues to drive by your home, her work, call, or try to interfere in your marriage, get a restraining order. Sometimes the WS really is breaking off contact and the OP just won't leave them alone. I know, we have a restraining order against my husbands OW.<P>If your wife isn't willing to do any of the things that YOU need her to do to prove that she is willing to fight for your marriage, then I would suggest you put your foot down. If she can keep you without doing any of the unpleasant things (unpleasant to her) that you ask, then why in the heck should she? She is learning that she can go off and have an affair, if she gets caught all she has to do is say "sorry" and lay low until you start to feel secure again. <P>This is what my therapist told me I was doing by not making my H do the things that I set as preconditions to us trying to work through this affair crap.