OK, here's the situation:<P>A video game console called the Playstation 2 is coming out tomorrow. My husband's mother is going to buy his little brother one. Somehow, she got my husband to go down there (or maybe he went himself) to stand in line for it. There's a line at Best Buy as we speak. This idiot fool (sorry, but I'm angry) is actually down there right now in the line and is <B>going to be down there until TOMORROW morning!</B> I think this is the one of his most ulimate steps in selfishness and I cannot understand why he would do this. He claims that he wants to be sure he gets on for his little brother, but <B>why does he have to wait outside overnight????</B><P>I'm sorry, but I don't think this whole thing is right. He just called me a few minutes ago telling me that he's going to be down there all night until tomorrow morning. My exact words to him were: <I>"If you think this is worth spending time away from your son and me, then whatever."</I> He goes on to tell me that it's only one night. I then told him that it's always something coming up with his job and friends that keeps him away from us. Everyday, his friends from work call and everyday, he talks to them. He doesn't understand that he sees these same people everyday and that it's interferring with us. He doesn't understand that every since his schedule changed to working nights on weekdays (Mon, Tues, & Fri) and working weekends (Sat morning and Sunday almost all day) that we only see him maybe three days out of the week. It doesn't seem to bother him that he's not spending enough time with his family. As long as his family (not us) and friends need something, he's there.<P>I want to believe that our marriage is going to work one day (yes, notice I said "one day"), but it's getting really hard to see anything other than my husband would rather be single doing his own thing than being married with a family. He doesn't care about us, I don't think he ever has. I told my pastor this and she said he does care, but that's extremely immature. The way I feel is that he only cares about himself. The only reason why I can see that he married me is because of: 1.) sex, and 2.) a grandchild for his crazy family to take from me. Other than that, I am no use to him. I cannot wait to show him!!! He will be sorry....he will be <B>VERY</B>sorry....<P>Signed,<BR> A very <B>ANGRY</B> Miaka <P>PS On top of that, I have yet <B>ANOTHER</B> UTI. Why in the hell won't these things leave me alone? I do everything the stupid doctors tell me to do, but I keep getting them!!!!!! GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! I'm so <B>SICK</B> of being me right now! I HATE IT!!!!!!<P>..............you're probably thinking that I've gone off the deep end, well, not yet....but I am kinda close....<P>PSS I also want to strangle <B>ALL</B> his friends for <B>CONSTANTLY</B> interferring!!!!<P><BR>------------------<BR><B>Disclaimer: The following are just my opinions and/or vents. I would appreciate not being flamed for my opinions and/or vents. Thank you.</B><p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited October 25, 2000).]

I don't know your whole situation, but it sounds like everything else is more important right now to him. I can relate....for my wife (WS) anything involving her "friends" is more important now than even time with our two kids. She gets a weekend off of work, and for most of Sunday she helps move someone that she called an "a**hole" a month ago, because he is a "friend" and "you have to be there for friends". I say "what about being there for your kids". But she doesn't see it that way right now.<P>Do you do Plan A? Have you and your husband talked about his lack of attention towards you and your son and discussed counselling? Forgive my lack of knowledge on your situation. I'm in a weird mood now over my situation.<P>I feel bad that you have to go through this now. You are doing things right being with your son. What goes around comes around...I try and remember that. I hope that tomorrow is better for you.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I don't know your whole situation, but it sounds like everything else is more important right now to him.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><B>Background:</B> Well, as far as anyone can remember, I'm married and I have a son. I live with my husband's family, yes, I know, big mistake, but I'm paying for it dearly. I'm 21 and my husband is 23. My son is 2 years old. We will have been married for 3 years come November 26th. My greatest enemy in my husband family right now is his mother because she's trying to turn my son and my husband against me. She also starts unnecessary fights and gossips a lot.<P>Your preception of the situation is right on target. Everything <B>will always be</B> more important to him than me and my son as long as we live with his parents. His mother also encourages him not to take care of his responsibilities. Her answer for everything is to do it for him. She tried that stuff with me, but I put a stop to it. Now she acts like she's scared of me when he's around, but when he's gone, she's no longer scared. Weird.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Do you do Plan A?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>If you want to call doing what my pastor told me to do is Plan A, then yes. Basically, she said that since he's using me, that I shouldn't be so "nice" to him because he doesn't deserve it. And by nice, I mean this:<P>1.) Not cooking for him since his mother will always by him food and fix him anything. By cooking for him, I'm only wasting my time and he ends up being more ungrateful towards me.<P>2.) Not washing his clothes since, again, his mother will rescue him. I only worry about my son's clothes and mines. Ours <B>always</B> gets washed FIRST!<P>3.) If I do happen to clean up in here totally by myself, I <B>demand</B> some sort of "repayment". I figure if he's going to use me, then why shouldn't I get something for being used? Right? I usually ask for money or a nice dinner. Period.<P>4.) Not telling him when his bills are due. I used to do that and he got sooo used to me telling him when his stuff was due that he would actually get mad at me if I didn't tell him. Now, he's screwing up his credit and I'm keeping mine separate from his.<P>5.) Not worrying about where he goes when I'm gone. That doens't get my anywhere except for more angry and then I end up wanting to leave him.<P>6.) Not giving him money for "his" bills anymore thinking I was helping. I was stupid to think I was helping "our" situation when I was only helping "his". If he had more money from me, he would in turn buy more video games and DVDs.<P>7.) Not buying him stuff anymore. This is a real hard one because our birthdays and anniversary are next month. I cannot give him money because he'll only do what I stated in #6.<P>Other than that, she told me not to argue with him UNLESS he was acting so immature that it couldn't be helped. So, basically, I've been taking care of me and my son, all by myself. I think if it wasn't for God, I would be in a mental hospital somewhere.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Have you and your husband talked about his lack of attention towards you and your son and discussed counselling?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Man, oh, man, talking is soooo ineffective with him. He doesn't listen when I speak. He <B>rarely</B> turns my way when I'm speaking! I've tried everything from writing letters, begging, pleading, screaming, and crying about the lack of attention towards me and my son, but it all goes in one ear and out the other. I no longer say anything to him about it because I feel if he doesn't want to listen to me, then he's doesn't deserve to hear me speak.<P>Counseling is a no-no. He feels that he can work everything out himself and that he doesn't want anybody else in our business. But it's fine as long as the "other people" are his family, especially his mother. His whole family makes me sick! I getting sick and tired of seeing all of them! I just want to get my son and run far away. But I can't do that....just yet....<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I feel bad that you have to go through this now. You are doing things right being with your son. What goes around comes around...I try and remember that. I hope that tomorrow is better for you.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Please don't feel bad for me, that's what I'm suppose to do. I'm always going to be there for my son. I will <B>NEVER</B> let his mother have my son, <B>NEVER</B>!!!! I will remember what you said. He's going to be real sorry when all this comes back to him. I just don't want to be around when it does....<P>Signed,<BR> A slighty <B>angry</B> Miaka <P>------------------<BR><B>Disclaimer: The following are just my opinions and/or vents. I would appreciate not being flamed for my opinions and/or vents. Thank you.</B>

Miaka, whether you think so or not, I can see improvement in your situation. You're on the right track with setting boundaries, or trying to anyway. I too have carried burdens for my H when he should have carried them himself. It's a disservice in the long run. Your MIL undermining your boundary efforts sure doesn't help. <P>I'm in a "boundary setting" mode too, and I still have a lot to learn. Boundaries need to be set in a loving way. My H deals with problems by pretending they don't exist. It's driving me nuts, and I have PLENTY of things to say about it, but I know I can't LB. Miaka, I know you're frustrated and your H isn't making choices that please you, but your responses to his actions are LBs. I've heard of camping out for tickets or good seats for a parade, but a video game?? Sorry, but the significance of that is lost on me. The behavior is definitely worthy of an LB, but you must rise above it. You can't control him. You can only control your reactions. <P>I read about this in "Boundaries in Marriage" and learned that it's actually the way I react to my H that is making me displeased. Then you set a boundary in a loving way. Always remember rule number 1: NO LBs!! I've had such difficulty figuring out how to set boundaries without unleashing a floodgate of anger and frustration that keeping my mouth shut is the best I can do. The changes in you are going to happen before any changes in your H. Lead the way and keep moving toward that person you want to be Miaka. It will be the best gift you give yourself, your son and your H.

This will be unpopular I am sure.<BR>I can say that your frustation is at a dangerous level and you seem to be on the verge of crash and burn. <BR>The 'boundaries you are setting are vindictive, they are not out of love or even really out for the sake of protection. You want to see him hurt and suffer. But mostly you just want to see him CARE about something-- ANYTHING!!<BR>Unfortunately, when it all breaks down he will have the support of his family to fight you. Be very careful. From what you have already said, you and his family are at odds and once they are angry, they will band together and use everything they have to destroy you.<BR>IMHO, it would be wiser to work against them but in favor of your husband. This is your marriage. Fight! It seems to me that overall he is pretty much content with his life. Make some moves to band together with him and slowly distance yourself from his family. Moving out of the house, what ever it takes is paramount. But as long as you are at odds with him and unable to put these feelings behind you to fight for your marriage his mother will use that to her benefit. Your anger and things you are doing to punish your husband and set him up for failure are playing right into her hands.

Oh an dI would also suggest to pick your battles wisely.<BR>Spending the night outside Best Buy, while annoying is not the worst thing in the whole world. I dont know where you are but how nice it might have been to bundle up and take him dinner or a snack or some hot coffee or cocoa late at night. That would have been a point in your favor. But as another argument it was a waste of time and energy because he went anyway right?????<BR>You have bigger more important battles to fight.

Hi Miaka -- Long time since we've chatted...<P>Two things strike me. You are a lot more in control of yourself than before and this is good. The second thing is that trlyloved is at least partly right.<P>On the first observation, it's great that you vent here. I've done an awful lot of that over the past months. Better here than at home, right??? But, I'm noticing a different tone in your posting. There's a self-confidence that wasn't there before. You <B>have</B> been working on yourself, haven't you!!! <P>I think trlyloved's best point was "pick your battles", and remember the old adage, "you get more flies with honey than with vinegar". I know it is really frustrating for you right now. Justifiably so. But the advice to take your H something to eat or something hot to drink is a really good one. Something nice you can do without his family around.<P>Gotta go right now, but "I'll be back". Good to hear from 'ya....<P>--DeWayne--

Where are you Miaka? Thinkin' about ya and wanted to ditto heartpain's observation about the tone of your post. Your self confidence is shining through. <P>I can't offer much advice on how to get rid of the anger, pain and frustration you're experiencing. Heartpain is right again in regard to catching more flies with honey than vinegar. Setting boundaries have to be done in a loving way. It's real hard to do when you have nasty feelings pent up inside. Let us hear from you.

messed up, sorry<p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited October 27, 2000).]

messed up again, sorry<p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited October 27, 2000).]

Hello everyone. Well, gee, I didn't think anyone wanted to hear from me again, thanks guys. OK, down to business:<P>lonesome heart:<P>I have one question for you. What exactly is it that I'm doing that's wrong? I don't remember arguing with my husband or being mean. All I said when he said he wanted to go down there was "if you think it's worth spending time away from your family" in a NON-THREATENING manner. I wasn't mean. I wasn't cold. I said it in my normal tone of voice. So I would like to know what it was that I did wrong or what you think I did wrong. Awaiting your reply.<P>PS Yes, I am here. I tried to reply yesterday, but my computer screwed up while trying to send my post and I hit the back button....you know the story. Lost everything.<P>trlyloved:<P>No, you're not unpopular here. You have the vote of everyone here! OK, the way you described me is if I'm some cold-hearted b@$ch that would like that would love to see her husband die in pain for all the suffering I've been through. Well, I'm here to tell you that I'm over that now. Like the saying says: "That was then, this is now." This whole entire post was to vent anger on a computer screen, not at my husband. I never said I argued with him or his family so I don't understand where the "pick your battles wisely" comes in. As I said before, when I sense an argument from his family, I walk away. When I sense an argument from my husband, I find something else to do. I appreciate your advice, but I think you misunderstood what I was saying.<P>Heartpain:<P>Yes, I am here. I've always been here. I just don't say anything, hardly ever. Yes, you noticed that I'm not that "whiny" "brat" that everybody thought I was in the beginning. I could care less if people answer me anymore because I've learn to write stuff down on paper if no one else wants to talk to me. I also don't joke on here anymore. People are way TOO serious around here. My sense of humor would NEVER be appreciated here, ever. I also don't advertise my site in my signature anymore because again, some people are way TOO serious on this site. I don't know what it is. I guess I don't really care all that much to let it upset me, you know? I have better things to do. Keep in mind that I'm not saying anybody that replied to me does this, but the ones that were know who they are.<P>Darn, I've gone off topic. Sorry about that. And yes, I'm still working on myself. I'm learning new things about the web and stuff so I can go to college prepared. <P>Disclaimer: (geez, this word is all too familiar), wait, why should I have to put a disclaimer? I think you understand me, right? If not, I'll come back and actually type a reply-disclaimer type thing. If you didn't understand what I just said, just skip this part.<P>Signed,<BR>A very spaced out Miaka<P>PS I did manage to write two other poems if you want to look at them. They're on the Poems forum board thingamabob.<P>PSS I'm really not as stupid as I sounded just then. I think I drank too much Kool-Aid. <P>------------------<BR><B>Disclaimer: The following are just my opinions and/or vents. I would appreciate not being flamed for my opinions and/or vents. Thank you.</B>

sorry, double post<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I would like to know what it was that I did wrong or what you think I did wrong. Awaiting your reply.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Here's the part of your first post that made me think LBs. <snip>"If you think this is worth spending time away from your son and me, then whatever." He goes on to tell me that it's only one night. I then told him that it's always something coming up with his job and friends that keeps him away from us. </snip><P>When dealing with conflict, sentences that contain "you" and "always" (or "never") are usually going to make the other person feel bad. Starting sentences with "I" and describing how you feel is usually a safer way to express yourself without LBing. Like, "oh, I'm so disappointed you're not going to be here tonight. I was thinking about ... (playing our favorite video game together, sitting on your face, or some other fill-in-the-blank here that has got to be more appealing than camping outside a store overnight for a PS2!)." <P>Miaka, the best I can suggest is for you to fill each day with enriching and pleasurable activities to the best of your abilities. If you perform those activities alone, then at least one person in your marriage will have a good feeling at the end of the day. Eventually he will notice how much he's missing and choose you above all others (in theory anyway; your H and MIL sound, um, theory-resistant?) In any case, your H camped out overnight for a gift for his brother. Give him credit for doing something nice for someone else, and maybe next time he'll do something nice for you. Hope it works out that way if you try it.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>When dealing with conflict, sentences that contain "you" and "always" (or "never") are usually going to make the other person feel bad. Starting sentences with "I" and describing how you feel is usually a safer way to express yourself without LBing. Like, "oh, I'm so disappointed you're not going to be here tonight. I was thinking about ... (playing our favorite video game together, sitting on your face, or some other fill-in-the-blank here that has got to be more appealing than camping outside a store overnight for a PS2!)."</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I've tried this method also, but it doesn't work. He's not going to listen to me regardless. All I can say is that I'm sick of talking to him (something stupid happened this morning) and I want out of here. If need be, I wouldn't mind being away from him. If this is the kind of sh*t I'm going to have to go thru everyday with him and his family, then they can all stay right where they are. I don't care anymore.<P>I thought I'd never say this but I think I might be falling out of love with my husband. Everyday God shows me more ways of how he's immature and it's getting real hard to take it. I don't want to see anymore. I want to leave. I'm sick of this place. I'm sick of this house. I'm sick of his mother. I'm sick of his father. I'm sick of him. Why can't I be happy? I deserve to be happy more than him. All him and his family are doing is using me and controlling me. I don't care what anybody says, I don't think my husband loves me and I don't think he ever has. You just don't do stuff like this to a person and then say "I love you" in the next breath.<P>I'm really trying to control my anger right now, but it's not working. This is helping, though. Thanks guys.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Miaka, the best I can suggest is for you to fill each day with enriching and pleasurable activities to the best of your abilities. If you perform those activities alone, then at least one person in your marriage will have a good feeling at the end of the day. Eventually he will notice how much he's missing and choose you above all others (in theory anyway; your H and MIL sound, um, theory-resistant?) In any case, your H camped out overnight for a gift for his brother. Give him credit for doing something nice for someone else, and maybe next time he'll do something nice for you. Hope it works out that way if you try it. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I hear what you're saying and I'm going to do just that. My pastor just got out of the hospital yesterday and I think I might go say hi to her. Then I'm going to go shopping with my family or at least sit in the same room with them. I find that just being with them, listening to them talk, and seeing them helps me a great deal. I think it's because I know they care about me and they love me and they don't want to see me suffer like this. I'm going to try my best not to disappoint them.<P>Thanks for listening.<P>Signed,<BR>A very unhappy Miaka walking close to her breaking point<P>PS Let's hope I don't lose it. I've done that once before in my life and it scared me. If you think what I said here was a LB, then wait until I've reached my breaking point. It's horrible.<P><P>------------------<BR><B>Disclaimer: The following are just my opinions and/or vents. I would appreciate not being flamed for my opinions and/or vents. Thank you.</B>

Hey, Sweetie! Another old-timer here with Heartpain just to say hello and let you know we're listening.<P>I really am proud of you. I've seen so very much growth since you first arrived here. I think you really do sound stronger than ever. (UTI and all, sorry about that, Hon.)<P>I am a bit worried about you though. You're still having to deal with so very much and none of us can take so much frustration without it affecting us somehow, you know? Since the situation is not likely to change drastically in the near future (Sorry, Yuki, for you this is gonna be one of those long, drawn-out things), we've got to figure out a way for you to handle it without reaching the end of your rope. The more frustrated you get, the less sound your judgement will be the the more you'll REACT instead of ACT! That will just defeat the purpose. Now, don't you get upset, this is true for ALL of us and you know I'm not picking on you. I think I have a couple of suggestions, but they're not played out in my head yet, so I'll get back to you if they're any good, ok?<P>In any event, keep taking care of yourself and that little one. Keep growing strong. You will get through this.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

lostva:<P>Hi.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Hey, Sweetie! Another old-timer here with Heartpain just to say hello and let you know we're listening.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thank you.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I really am proud of you. I've seen so very much growth since you first arrived here. I think you really do sound stronger than ever. (UTI and all, sorry about that, Hon.)</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm not proud of me. None of this would've happened to me if I had said no the first time he asked me to marry him. Then I would've never come to this house. But then again, I wouldn't have my son.....catch-22.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I am a bit worried about you though. You're still having to deal with so very much and none of us can take so much frustration without it affecting us somehow, you know?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm worried about me also. I don't want to explode and hurt him, but he's pushing my buttons to see how far he can go before I do.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Since the situation is not likely to change drastically in the near future (Sorry, Yuki, for you this is gonna be one of those long, drawn-out things), we've got to figure out a way for you to handle it without reaching the end of your rope.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I really don't care if this situation changes anymore. He can stay right where the hell he is, but I could care less. I'm going to do what I want to do, it's MY time now! If you have any suggestions on how to deal with intense frustration and anger towards him and his whole family, then by all means, tell me.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>The more frustrated you get, the less sound your judgement will be the the more you'll REACT instead of ACT! That will just defeat the purpose. Now, don't you get upset, this is true for ALL of us and you know I'm not picking on you. I think I have a couple of suggestions, but they're not played out in my head yet, so I'll get back to you if they're any good, ok?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm not upset....at least not at your guys. I know you guys want to help, my husband along with his family wants to hurt me. I know you're not picking on me. I don't think there's anything you could say to me right now that would make me angry at you. I'm too busy being angry at my husband and his family.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>You will get through this.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You think so, huh? I think this whole thing is a little drawn out and it's time to stop this....I'm sick of everything, most of all, sick of my husband. He's being a jerk right now and all he cares about is himself.<P>My pastor told me one day that he has a good heart. Well, as the days go on and stupid crap like this keeps happening, I start to see less of a good heart and more of a cold, evil one that wants to destroy me. Lemme go before I break my keyboard.<P>Thanks again.<P>Signed,<BR>An agitated Miaka<P>------------------<BR><B>Disclaimer: The following are just my opinions and/or vents. I would appreciate not being flamed for my opinions and/or vents. Thank you.</B><p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited October 28, 2000).]