Have any of the Harleys ever told anyone to just walk away? My husband of 4 1/2 years has been on again, off again with OW for 9 months. We have been separated the whole time(he left) and he has been back once for a weekend, once for 3 weeks and up until Sunday back for 5 weeks. Then he just up and left for OW. Over this whole period we have never gone longer than 12 days without speaking. Why Plan A/Plan B? Why not just walk like he has? Am I not a giant doormat at this point? <P>

Hi TylerJ:<P>I reply as the Queen of the Doormats here. My H has been in and out for over 5 years now. He first left for 9 months and then returned for 2 1/2 years and then left again.<BR>He returned again due to health and then recently left again in March (back to the same OW). <P>Yes, I think it's possible to rebuild after he has moved in and out (several on this board have done so). You have the benefit of having the MB principles to guide you in restoring the marriage which I didn't. I think if I had had MB then I could have seen the error of my ways when he returned and been able to keep him from leaving again.<P>Walk away. Yes, you can walk away, but until you've given the MB principles a try you'll never know if things could have been fixed. That is assuming that you have not been using the principles for the 9 months he's been gone. <P>If you haven't then perhaps you can give Plan A a try before you move on...the reward might be saving your marriage. If not then Plan B is essentially just beginning to move on with your life. If while you're working on yourself and preparing yourself for a new life, your H finds that his needs are not being met by OW and decides he wants to try again...then you can still decide to try again or not.<P>I found that the A must play itself out and it must be your H's decision that it is over for good...and you must wait for that to happen to begin to rebuilt. But in the meantime you can work on improving yourself and working on your H's EN in preparation for either moving on with your life or getting back together in a new relationship with your H.<P>It really is your decision now, but we'll be here to support you in any decision you need to make.<P>Angels and Prayers ~ Faye

But why should I wait for this affair to play out? Do I not deserve better?

Hi TylerJ:<P>Whether you deserve to walk away is not the point is it? We all deserve to just walk away...isn't that what everyone tells us? The point is "Do you want your marriage?"<BR>If you do then MB gives you some tools that perhaps with help you to get it back or rather to build a whole new relationship.<P>Sorry, but you'll not find many people on MB they will tell you to walk away...not unless there is physical abuse or child abuse involved...after all this is a marriage building site. We will definitely leave the decision up to you.<P>I don't see myself as a good example in the area of walking away, but I do feel like MB would have made a difference. I do feel like you ought to at least give Plan A a try before you just walk away.<P>Hon, do what you feel is best for you. Some can't live with it and we understand...it's hard...but the alternative is divorce and that's not easy either.<P>Angels and Prayers ~ Faye

Anybody else got an opinion? Up to the top.

Buffy,<P>May I be honest? <P>I, and perhaps a few others, have an opinion, but lately, whenever we say it, we get blasted. Unless we can say, STAY, FIGHT, DON'T GIVE UP NO MATTER WHAT (except abuse, most will concede, and then even some don't then either) then it's best to keep quiet. <P>I rarely post anything anymore, because my marriage is now over. I cannot express pain because I filed for divorce, and therefore I am at fault.<P>I would be the first to tell tyler to fight if she wants to. That's the point. If she has the energy, and her marriage is what she wants above all else, then stay in it, fight with everything she has. But if she's lost the love, or feels that she can't be abused anymore (and I think infidelity is abuse) then she should not feel guilty for getting out.<P>By the way Buffy, I think you're strong and a woman filled with integrity. I don't think you're a doormat.

tylerj,<P>Do you have children with your H? If yes, then I would definitely say that if there is a snowball's chance in he** that your marriage can be saved, do it. <P>If there are no children, then you have to ask yourself if there is any part of you that still loves him. If the answer is yes, then sit down and map out your plan. Do the best Plan A you can, but set a time limit. Don't let it go to the point where you lose yourself in the process. And if the answer is no, then move on to Plan B. That's not totally giving up and walking away, that's plan D. It simply means that to save yourself right now, you need distance from this man. You need for him to decide what it is he wants to do, and for him to come up with a plan you can both be enthusiastic about. <P>Yes, this is a marriage building site, but I honestly believe that sometimes there either just isn't enough to save, or there was never anything really there to begin with.<P>I wish you luck, and I wish you peace.

I can only give you the example I have personally experienced, so here goes...<P>My W gave up and walked out 3 months ago. She had decided sometime last year that the marriage wasn't working for her. She had an affair with an old HS friend, and that sealed it for her. She moved out and filed for divorce.<P>I was pretty much helpless to stop her. I learned about this site pretty early on, and have attempted to apply the principles as best as I could to my situation. Plan A didn't seem to work, and Plan B failed miserbly. I was on the "Divorce Express!"<P>Now, my W has dumped the OM, and is willing to see if there's anything worth saving in our marriage. It's not much, but it's a start.<P>You need to ask yourself what you want. If you want to save your marriage, then go in there and fight for it. Even if it fails, you cannot fault yourself for the effort. If this is the path you choose, there are more than enough resources here to help you.<P>If you decide that your marriage isn't worth saving, then go straight to the "Divorced/Divorcing" board and see what kind of people you can talk to there. But still spend time here. Even if this marriage can't be saved, you'll find information here that will make the next marriage far more successful than you could have dreamed!<P>Good luck!

Thank you NewBeginnings for your kind words.<P>You don't offend me and you should not offend anyone else with your opinion....that's really why I brought this back up to the top...so that TylerJ perhaps could get a balanced view of the range of opinions here. I feel like sometimes we do tend to filter our advise through our own experiences...and I guess that's understandable and I hope forgiveable.<P>Anyway, you're certainly right that TylerJ is the one who needs to decide if it's worth it to her to continue to try and save her marriage. There are certainly marriages that are not worth saving...and her's may be one of them. At this point I'm not even sure if I want to save mine...but I've fought a good fight and I grew through the experience so I don't regret the fight.<P>Won't we be prepared for super marriage next time though. <P>Angels and Prayers ~ Faye<P> <BR> <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited October 26, 2000).]

Yeah Faye, we'll be mightily prepared, won't we? <P>Thank you for making me feel included and special today. <P>I'll take those prayers and angels!!<P>Sheryl