O.K. Here's a bit of a vent and I'm not even sure why I need it but I do...<P>It's not that things are bad right now. They are actually going well, Arik and I have been getting along well and for the most part I have been on the road to recovery, but lately I just have been feeling so horribly bad about the affair and all of last year in general that I just need to get it off my chest...<P>Two weeks ago, some of you may recall, I posted about d-week anniversary and how I was feeling in light of it. I was actually doing okay, things and days that I thought would bother me didn't and the week was actualy okay for us.<P>Now fast forward to now...<P>I feel so resentful, hurt and angry. I feel bitter and hate that I had to experience what I did last year. I hate that I have to accept that Arik still works with the OW and has to speak to her daily for work. Anytime I think of the OW (see her handwriting on something Arik brings home from work, or any other trigger comes up) I feel this resentment boil inside me. I am not a hateful or spiteful person, but I feel myself hating her (not just what she did but actually hating her). I hate that I still can't come to this board without the nagging fear that she is probaly reading everything that I post. The games that, I felt, she played while involved with my husband, the way she tried to come off as "oh so" concerned for me all the time just makes me want to scream. I know the affair is over now so I just don't get why I am feeling so much anger and resentment towards her now. I do realize that Arik is just as much, if not more, to blame for the affair. I hate that everyday of my life for the last year I have had to deal with the fact that my husband betrayed me in the most intimate way and the only thing that kept him from being with her more was the 1000 miles between them. I know in every fiber of my being that they would have been together so many more times than the one time they were if they lived closer together...and that hurts so much too.<P>I know that I should be beyond all this by now but some days it just creeps up on me and overwhelms me to the point where I just can't deal with it anymore. Somedays I just want to crawl into my bed and stay there, under the covers and let myself feel the hurt and the anger that I stuffed over the last year, because although there were times I let it go, I hid my feelings more than I ever let on.<P>I want to recover but there are times when I feel like I never will. Will the images ever go away? Will I ever be able to hear certain songs without feeling like breaking the CD into little tiny pieces? Will I ever be able to send my husband off to work without feeling a little twinge of hurt and worry? Will I ever know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Arik will never hurt me in that way again?<P>I hate to be such a downer. I am sure people just beginning their journey don't need to hear how even months after an affair ends some people just can't "get over it". I know there are some here who have had to deal with and are dealing with more than I ever had to. I feel like such a whiner at times...but really just needed to speak my mind and get things off my chest.<P>Thanks for listening.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

Nicole:<P>It sounds like Arik needs to leave his job, and perhaps a move would be in order. Have the two of you discussed this? Do you think that this step would let you move forward in the forgiveness process?<P>Although you can recover a marriage where there's potential contact between the afairee's, it's certainly not idea.<P>

Hi kiddo,<P>1. There are NO shoulds on the part of the betrayed..."I know I should be beyond all this...<P>2. On the recovery timeline, We both (you and I) are on target. My friend, a counselor, says that there is something akin to Post Traumatic Stress that happens after you finally start to feel stable. <P>I'll look up a link to this topic and post it if I can.<P><BR>hugs,<BR>lizzie<P>ps... what do you think of my question here at General?<p>[This message has been edited by alias (edited October 26, 2000).]

Hi again. Found it:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011339.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011339.html</A> <P>helpful? I don't know...<P>lizzie

K - Thanks for the thoughts but as far as changing jobs or even changing positions go it just isn't plausible right now...the economy here is bad and a good paying job with benefits is something you just don't leave. I wish it were different but it isn't. It is something that I have to work through for myself, it may take me longer to work through the recovery process because of it but that is something we will have to deal with I guess.<P>Liz - Hey you, fellow student!!!! I read your post and responded there. <BR>Thanks for the link to the other topic. I'm not sure if it is that I don't want Arik or the marriage, I want both, it's just that I feel so much resentment and anger right now that sometimes I feel consumed by it.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

Dear Patient,<P>I wrote a topic the other day and asked, will this ever level off?<P>I feel much the same as you, for it has been well over a year since D-day for me and I have done fairly well. Some good days, some bad...some good weeks, etc. Lately though, I have been feeling extremely mixed emotions regarding the last year and the cruelty of it all.<P>Last September we (h and I) got new cell phones on the same contract...his old cell phone # was known by everyone in the country it seemed and also her name was the voice mail code! Argggg!<P>I was so excited about the new phones, b/c she wouldn't know the #...That same day, I called him on the new # and he didn't answer...his voice mail came on and out of curiosity (mistrust) I keyed in her name and BINGO, I listened to her message apologizing for not being able to talk to him when he called, and to please call her at home later...he had already called her and given her his new #. I was devastated!!!(just one of many cruel moments)<P>Tuesday, we again get new cell/remote phones and I was absolutely flooded with triggers and emotions so badly that I thought I would have to be institutionalized. I was crabby and grumpy to everyone and I knew why but didn't share this with anyone. <P>Most recently I have seen the children(4) favoring their Dad and the contributions he is making to restore our marriage, so there has been a shift in opinions of us in this area. He has quit drinking and going out to clubs until all hours of the night and comes home from his band jobs within a reasonable period of time, things like that...However, they see me as the same hurt, bitter, angry woman from a year ago and I can't say anything regarding the A or about their Dad b/c HE'S TRYING!!!!<P>I love his changes and believe me without them I don't think we would have come this far in recovery and I appreciate what he is doing to help us. But, somehow that really hasn't helped me change my feelings about the cruelty of the A. <P>So, Tuesday night (late) he told me I was acting so distant and strange and I said I was glad he noticed, he asked what was wrong with me and I told him about the new phones being a major trigger for me. He was very empathetic and the longer he held me the more I cried.<P>I went on to say... I feel like I have so much stifled inside me, that I have to walk on thin ice all the time and never say what I want to say or need to say for fear of offending the children or for fear of ...his leaving me! Leave me...what have I got to lose, you have already done that, that would be no threat at all. I sometimes feel like running and screaming to release the anguish inside me b/c I can't let it out, someone will be upset with me for saying how I feel. I don't burden friends, who are they? they all abandoned me, especially the ones who are divorced and were sure I would join their merry band. And the ones who are "happily married" don't want to get involved b/c it might have a negative impact on their happy home! Counseling at $90 bucks a pop could easily cause us to go ahead and file bankruptcy. My family, they already think poorly of my H b/c of my big mouth, therefore I go along with the facade of Happy little me and the fam. all is well now!!!<P>So, Yes I am with you on this, I too still feel alot of hurt, resentment and anger about last year and wonder when this will level off. Are we choosing this reaction or are we just unable to put this behind us? Is it a forgiveness thing, b/c I know it will get better, but we will never forget it.<P>I have also stuffed away alot of emotions and feelings and it seems now that the dust is settling, I come rising out of the dust to stir it around. I don't want to think that I am one of the people who must live with chaos to survive, always needing something going on to thrive on.<P>I hate her, for the most part I love him but there are days that I hate him too. I get aggravated with the audacity with which he displayed to have this A. Maybe I also resent that he may ultimately come out of this smelling like a rose if I don't stifle and stuff and forget all this and get my act together.<P>There is alot we have to go through to get on with our lives... I thought, He would come back, apologize, kiss and make up and all would be better. No way, it goes much, much deeper than this!!! In a way, I feel we are just starting to recover and it has been a year since he came back home.(Nov.10)<P>I think it is ok for the newbies to read this. I don't want them to think it's going to be easy so they can hunker down and get ready for the storm, a long storm with hurricane force winds. They should know these facts and realize what they are facing. I wish someone had told me what to expect to experience, I think it would have helped me prepare, not necessarily make it easier to bare.<P>I'm sorry Patient Love for going on a tangent on your topic, but I took advantage of the fact someone else was experiencing some feelings I have at this time.<P>I hope you feel better soon.<P>Cathy<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>...and the only thing that kept him from being with her more was the 1000 miles between them.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P>See! That's good! This is a positive thought....!!! GOD BLESS those 1000 miles !<P>...and to think I was <B>ever so grateful</B> that my H's OW lived clear over on the other side of town...33 LONG MILES AWAY!<P>GOD BLESS THOSE 33 MILES TOO .<P>Dear Nicole: I hear you...loud and clear! Some days you just gotta let it rip...let it fly! Hope you're feeling better since you got all that off your chest!<P>If possible--if nothing else--try to look for the *positive* in each and every day...it's ALWAYS there...sometimes you just have to dig a little bit deeper to find it.<P>Peace, ~Marie<P>------------------<BR>"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars." ~unknown

Nicole, Cathy, add my name to the list. Anger managment is a big problem for me. I always believed your spouse should be your best friend and W was and is mine. Other than W I have few close friends but those few are <I>very</I> close. The closest friend I had and the one I trusted the most is OM. This is the man I would turn to and <B> I need him now</B> but unfortunantly W needed him first.<P>So who is there to hear my anger ....<P>you are.<P>And I'm here to listen to you as well. Don't apologize for feeling bad (or mean in my case) because I need you to listen to me rant sometimes.

Hi Nicole,<P>I don't think it will ever be totally gone from your mind. I still have bad days. Why just today I looked to see if he still had her pictures in the box with the stuff from his high school days. Self torture is what it is. Of course he still has them, of course it still makes me mad, or hurts. It must be like post traumatic stress syndrome. There are days I wonder if I really want to be here, even when things are going well between us. I think maybe I would not remember the pain or fear future pain so much if we were not together. But consider the alternatives. It gets better, don't you think? It just never will be totally gone from our minds.<P>Interesting story. Had an aunt who developed a brain tumor and consequently died a couple of years later. When she learned the prognosis, she kicked her H out of the house and refused to see him again, even on her death bed, because 10 or so years earlier he had had an affair and she had stayed with him anyway. It was pretty cruel and her grown kids were put in a pretty bad position, but they honored her wishes. Part of her thinking was destroyed by the tumor, but I think part of her thinking was letting the previous resentments, angers and hurts rule her behavior for the last months of her life. Maybe payback. She even specified to be buried in the cemetary with her parents, rather than the spot she and her H had previously bought. Her h died two years later, also of cancer. I hope I don't feel that way 20 years from now (or whenever).

A good dose of healthy legitimate anger, properly handled, can be a cleansing experience <P>What happened just plain ole stunk. <P>You held it together with as much grace and dignity as possible. And it was worth it for your children and I sincerely hope a long and happy future.<P>But it still stunk and just like the valve on a pipe, you gotta let off the steam once in a while.<P>

I don't exactly know what sort of timeline to put on our recovery--was it when she took up with his housemate last Oct, no, cuz he left me a couple more times after that...was it in May when he started to live at home, no, cuz he still had his own house...even though he didn't sleep there.<P>And, if I say since July when we put our rings back on, or Aug, when he gave up his house, then it seems like we're aren't far on the path and of course things get touchy.<P>But, I think there is a lot to be said for stability making it safe for some of the wounds to be exposed to air. I know in our case, the turmoil was so constant, I couldn't keep up with processing my pain or forgiveness.<P>Earlier this week on someone's thread I posted I don't think about H's affair very often. It seems like making a statement like that was all it took to make my hate of the OW flood back with a small misstep of my H's. I hate her, I hate what she did, I hate her very breathing air on the same planet as me. <P>I simply cannot let thoughts of her in my head without becoming mad as a hatter. So, out she goes again.<P>It is safer to hate the OW than the WS, especially if you are in recovery. You can't hate the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, so the target the "goat" of the affair becomes the OP--who easily becomes--or actually IS--a villain in the betrayed eyes.<P>My work on anger management is the main reason I use the profile signature below. I need that reminder, and I need it often.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

Cathy - "Glad" to hear that I am not the only one too. Thanks for offering you supportand showing me I am not alone in all this.<P>Marie - Thanks for pointing out that I could look at some of my "negatives" as positives.<BR>Getting it off my chest did help a little, it's just sometimes I just wish I could be allowed to throw something or break something or scream really loud!!! :<P>Joe - Rant all you want...we are here to hear it. Sorry you lost your best friend in all this as well...I don't know what I would have done without mine.<P>Beth - Thanks for your support and the story. I hope I won't let my anger consume me like your anut did. <P>FHL - You always seem to pop up when I need you most, offering encouragement and letting me know I am handling things okay, all things considered. Thanks <P>Lor - Maybe it is the stability thing that is "allowing" me to feel the way I do. You are right in saying that it is easier to hate the OW, I don't have to live with her so it is easier to take me angry feelings out on her. Thanks for the thoughts.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole