I don't know where to start, so I'll be blunt. I had an affair this past summer with a man out of resentment for my mate of 8 years. After a one-nighter I decided that I wanted to make it work with my H and came back to a man that I had made myself resent due to his past behaviors. My H was wonderful when I came home and has become the mate that everyone would love to have...He does everything with me and for me that I wanted before...sounds wonderful huh...one minor gliche...through my infidelity I became pregnant. I came to my best friend and told him that I had become pregnant from having an affair. Understandably he was crushed. I decided to end the pregnancy with the full support of my H. I have had no further contact with the other man since I told him to leave me alone. The one problem that we are encountering is that my H wants to know the identity of the other man and I won't tell him. We live in a small town, we are both professionals and I am afraid to tell him who HE was due to the consequences of my husband's potential reaction. I am also having a lot of guilt because of what I did and I don't know how to become close to the man I love again. I am afraid that he will throw it up in my face and make me relive what I am so desperately trying to forget. We are going through a real hard time, not only because of what my husband is going through but also because of my fear and my inability to deal with everything that has happened in the past four months. If anybody can help I would appreciate it. I can't help my H cope with this if I can't learn to cope with it too. I am fearful that we are driving down a one way street with no chance of turning around

Ashamed-I wanted to stop in here and give you my point of view. If H had not told me who the OW was I think I would have walked out. To have to go out and about and face the world with them knowing who I am but me not knowing they were the one who slept with my H would just not work for me.<P>I understand your fears-I really do. But you have already made the biggest step by working at making your marriage work. This will be just another step for you to take. And I am sure it will not set right when you first tell your H but if you are to work on your marriage it must be with TOTAL honestly only!<P>Hang in there and take the step-you can do it-I know you can!<P>Best wishes.<P>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."

Dear Ashamed,<P>Your entire life has been turned upside down now. I understand because I have been there too. You just did something you never in a million years thought you would stoop to do. <P>Sweet-P and Heart, you make an important point about how aggrivating it feels to want to know who the OP was. I have a feeling that ashamed doesn't care to protect the OM - like me, she'd just as soon watch him be dipped in a vat of boiling acid while standing by, smoking a cigarette. I have a feeling that she is actually protecting her own H and putting him first. <P>I can relate - I didn't want my H to go to jail over his anger over what I and the OP had done, either. Usually, honesty is the best policy, but in cases like these it can serve as a liason for disaster. <P>I would certainly hate to see one more horrific crisis transpire in their lives b/c of her H serving jail time. <P>Ashamed, I am sorry if I have spoken 'for' you. I just feel so close to your situation and I feel like I can be of some help. Your pain is palpable. Hopefully you will continue to get a lot of good advice and new perspectives and you will keep coming here to help heal your sadness. When you see opposing points of veiw like we have here, at least you have an opportunity to see pros and cons od both sides more clearly. Good luck, and KEEP ON POSTING!!!!! <P>Love, Carrie<P>email if u want - <BR> traumangel@yahoo.com <p>[This message has been edited by Khyra (edited October 27, 2000).]

SweetP,<P>Thanks! Where's the pic of YOU??? <P>Sorry to jump in on your post, ash. :P<P>

My suggestion is this:<P>Go to joint counseling with your H. Let the counselor and your H know you will confess the name of the other party when the time is right..... that is, when your H has made progress and is reassured you want to be with HIM. Your H deserves to know the facts of the situation.. Let him know you'll tell him everything he wants to know, under the counselors guidance. Your H will be hurt.... but, that's the ugly reality of adultry. You must not hide from the facts. Your marriage will be doomed if you do.<P>The reason your H wants to harm the other guy is this: Your H has so much anger toward you, the woman he dearly loves and who has betrayed him ..... your H cannot bear to think these awful thoughts about you .... so .... your H displaces his anger to the other man. This is natural.<P>I'm glad you feel guilty. It means you have decency within you. Expect to feel guilt for awhile. The counselor will help you work through the guilt. Don't pretend the guilt is not there. The guilt serves a purpose.<P>Don't think for one single minute that your H should forgive and begin to heal quickly. It takes years..... like 2 to 4 years to get past this. Do this right. Do this like a woman.... not like a little girl.<P>Get on your knees, together with your husband and ask for Gods grace and healing touch.<P>Take care..... you can get past this.<P>------------------<BR>~*~*Yesterday~*~*<BR>all my problems seemed so far away~*

Up to the top<P>Any more insight???<P><BR> <BR>Jason<P>------------------<BR>"Thinking is easy, action is difficult; to act in accordance with one's thoughts is the most difficult thing in the world."<BR>- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Ashamed:<P>Like Khyra, I'm also a cheating spouse, so I can fully appreciate what you're going through. Once the affair is over, and you can appreciate the wrongfulness of what you've done, the natural inclination is to run from the facts, try to sweep it under the rug, lie about it if need be, anything to make your spouse feel better and to make the whole thing go away as soon as possible.<P>Right now, ashamed, and just as Khyra said, your life has been turned completely upside-down. Nothing is the same as it used to be. Although that can be a good thing, if your spouse has been treating you better, or if you've seen aspects of your spouse that you didn't appreciate before, it's always unsettling at best. What I assume you're trying to avoid by withholding the identity of the OM is having everything turned even FURTHER upside-down. It's an understandable feeling.<P>Still, I think you just have to read your own words to understand what the right thing to do is. You say that your H wants to know who the OM is, which is a reasonable thing to want, and that you "won't" tell him because you're "afraid" of the consequences of your H's "potential reaction." At the same time, you say that you're suffering a lot of guilt and fear and don't know how to become close to your H again, that you're trying "desparately to forget" what happened.<P>The hard truth, ashamed, is that you've been astonishingly selfish. I know that you know that, and that it's hard to hear, and that maybe I don't have a right to say it to you. But I know what I'm talking about, because those words apply to me as well. You said that you had "resentment" against your H, but that after the A, he became exactly the man you always hoped he'd be. Here's a news flash -- he always was the man you hoped he'd be. He could have shown you that at any time if you'd just spoken to him of whatever it was that was troubling you. Instead, you got caught up in your own bitterness and resentment and turned to someone else to satisfy whatever need of yours wasn't getting fulfilled.<P>I don't say all that to beat you up, but just to point out that, after so much selfishness, it might be time to be selfless for a change. Ask yourself, not what YOU want to do (forget this ever happened, get over your guilt, etc), but what your HUSBAND needs to come to closure with this. If he needs to hear who the OM is, then you just have to tell him, ashamed, and that's all there is to it.<P>That being said, you can control how you do it to make sure that the bad consequences are minimized. Folks here at MB are pretty much always suggesting that everyone get into counseling. That can help some people, but I'm not sure it's necessary. I definitely would talk to your H about your concerns about revealing the identity -- you don't want him to fly off the handle, or make a scene somewhere. You don't want future social interactions to be poisoned or strained as a result of this. I'm sure that he understands those concerns, and probably shares them to some degree. <P>In other words, you should begin the process of working towards being able to tell him, rather than shutting him down due to your own fear and shame. When you get those lines of communication open and flowing fast, I think you'll find that your fear of what he might do is less, because you'll know him better.<P>Good luck, ashamed. You've really been through the ringer on this one, as has your H. Four months is a pretty short time given all that's transpired. It could take years before things go back to something resembling normal, before you can go a day without thinking about this. Keep talking to each other, being good to each other, and you'll pull through it.

Ashamed,<P>I encourage you to do some historical readings within the posts on this board. What you will find is some of the same common themes.<P>1) A WS that continues to hold on to secrets is self-energizing their feelings for the OP and possibly energizing the negative feelings they had for the BS. The BS will only accept partial truths and omissions for a finite period of time before they a) pop b) cheat themselves c) entirely withdraw d) file for divorce. Most that I read about here fall into the "b" category. <P>2) You and your husband need to understand how this happened to prevent it from happening again.<P>3) You could tell your husband everything else under the sun about your affair except for the identity of the OP and your husband will probably never want to trust you again. Read up on Plan A because it works both ways. He gets to determine what his LBs are, just like you get to determine what your LB's are.<P>4) He should have every right to know the identity of a person he can not trust (the OP). I am assuming from the small town statement that they know of each other.<P><BR>I'm positive that this is very confusing and scary for you. You're probably thinking about potential violence towards OP or potential embarrassment from exposure. I was raised in the Midwest farm county and have a decent understanding of the small town gossip. I would bet that you were seen with the other person somewhere and eventually your husband will find out. It might take a while, maybe even years. Think about all the unpleasant things you know about others in your town and how you found out. No matter what your fears are, it will be much easier to deal with it now in person than letting the situation fester and have him find out on his own.<P>I personally think you've done a great job in finding your way home, please don’t let a little thing like this ruin your efforts. I wish you luck and hope some of the wise folks on this board can help.<P><BR>