I'm a new poster, but not new to reading all the different posts here. Finally posted my first one on the Divorcing section. <P>I have had numerous discussions among friends and coworkers who strongly believe that their significant others changed right after they exchanged "I Do's". Just curious to see if there is a general feeling among people that this is true or is it that we just put our best person forward during courtship and once we are married we feel we can "relax"? <P>I'm not quite sure I said this correctly, but I believe you all know what I'm asking. Just something I think most of us have thought about or even discussed at one time or another.<P>Lizzy

I don't think it happens right after "I do", but any book on marriage and marital problems will tell you that during courtship people ignore faults, suppress things they might normally say, and they are in this special "in love" state, just like during an affair. Eventually, normality sets in, and people revert to doing things that they really want to do, thus Jane might not watch the football game with Ed anymore, or Ed might not want to accompany Jane to the theatre anymore. People too often start to ignore each others needs, even though just a little effort to please the spouse goes a long way.<P>So is it literally just after "I do", no (in my opinion), but more likely sometime after the original courtship, and gradually as the marriage progresses (unfortunately), in many cases. I think the concept of it being after I do is just a figure of speech.

Life is an evolutionary process and everybody changes. You can't expect a couple to maintain the same dynamic as when they have a baby. Wife is also mommy now. Husband is also daddy now. If there is a job change or a geography change, that causes change. If someone dies, that causes change. I hate hearing that old "you've changed" schpiel because so have they. <P>Imagine yourself in love at 16. Do you think you've not changed since then? The things you wanted then and the things you enjoyed then are probably not the same. You probably have many new friends. <P>Things being the same is comfortable, but it produces no excitement and no growth. The person who says, "I never want you to change" is afraid. The beauty of growing old with someone comes from seeing life through all those changes together.

I don't think people change. I thing a lot of people might be hiding their true selves. That is why a very long engagement is important--at least one year. It is hard to hide your true self during a one-year engagement.<P>------------------<BR>Jim Lewis<BR><A HREF="http://marriedadults.net/forum" TARGET=_blank>The Forums at Married Adults.com</A>