I hope someone out there can help me. I have only posted a couple of times. I`m not very good with this computer. My H affair has ended after 10 months I found out Jan. 2000. I have been in plan A for most of the 8 months that I have known about it. Like alot of you I have lost it on occasion. But for the most part I`ve done pretty well. OW ended the A on Oct.5 something about feeling gulity it took 10 months to feel guilty enough to end it how stupid is that? Anyway H is of course in withdrawl, let me just say this is the pits. H now says its not getting any easier if anything its getting harder he misses her more each day. Hes not sure if he wants us to work or not. How long am I suppose to wait for that decision? He says he has this feeling inside of him that he just can`t love me again. I told him I`m pretty sure that is his guilt talking. We have been communicating in ways we never have in the past. That is the only good that has come out of this so far. Last night we were talking and he asked what I was most afraid of if he leaves. My answer was of beiong alone and what our son will go thru. He feels I`m dramatic on that subject, I told him I`m realistic and he tries to justify his actions. We have each talked to Steve and now we have to talk to him together. I have been waiting for him to fill out the questionnaires. So last night I was going on about that finally he filled them out. I know that was a LB on my part. I was angry with myself afterwards. H said he didn`t feel it was a LB so I guess I shouldn`t be so hard on myself. If I`m so "perfect" what in the heck is this all about. He says I deserve someone better than him. I feel that is such a cop out answer and I told him so. I asked why it was fair that I am tossed aside like yesterdays garbage and not given a second thought! He says I am given a second thought or he would be gone. I guess there is some truth to that. I1m so tierd of feeling like I`m nothing. I know I shouldn`t feel that way but I do. Is ther hope for us? The A was with someone he worked with April 2000 he changed jobs and the A continued on the phone only. What kind of a relationship is that anyway? I`m not sure what I`m really asking here I guess I just wanted to tell someone who knows how it all feels.

just read my post and realized I left out a part.(told you I wasn`t very good on this computer)The "perfect" part was suppose to say he couldn`t think of any LB that I`m guilty of Sorry `bout that!

Hi ilovehim,<P>I think you're doing great on the computer...don't worry about that. Your post was easy to read and understand. Ok, one less thing for you to worry about .<P>You obviously know the steps, the withdrawl, and you did a great thing by counseling with the Harley's. You're already on your way!<P>Now it's time for the hard part, the part I pretty much hate...the PATIENCE. I hate that word. <P>Your husband would be gone if he wanted to be gone. Take it from me, I know...as my H has been gone for nearly 6 mos. He is there, and in his own way (not yours) he is trying. Some of us here would give our right arms for our WS to fill out the EN questionaires. Give him a lot of positive feedback for doing this...and don't worry so much about LB's. He is taking the blame for what he did, and does not want you to feel badly about it.<P>He is talking affair-speak with all of the "you'd be better off without me" crap. Just ignore it. Try as hard as you can to get over the time lines of what happened, when, with OW. She is nothing more than a symptom of his insanity right now. She means nothing, and you are spending energy that you need worrying about her. <P>The thing that helps me the most is realizing that this is not my journey...it's the WS journey. Yep, we are dragged along unwillingly, but we can't really help them much. I feel like I can no more stop my H from going through this, than I can stop my 13yo from going through adolesence. I'm not saying they're blameless, they are adults and should have been stronger, but they just are not strong right now...so you get to be!<P>You're heading in the right direction I think. YOu're working hard, but try not to push him too much right now for the answers. He simply does not have them either. He's more messed up than you are. Can you tell us how old he is? Maybe theres some MLC stuff in his head too.<P>So, get some rest, start over today and show him that you can handle this craziness with some humor and dignity! <P>Good luck, keep posting...<P>allison

az allison said it perfectly. I think it is headed in the right direction, but you are at that hard part where he is in withdrawal, is back, but is still very confused and not appearing to put alot into it. The "you'd be better off without me" is so typical, as az allison said. I hear that, "I've changed", "you'll meet someone nicer", "you don't love me", and all that garbage. I try to avoid letting it get to me, but it is hard.<P>The fact that you got him to counsel with Steve is really crucial. I only wish that we reach that stage someday.<P>I wouldn't concentrate on the relationship, and what kind it was, or any of that stuff (I can imagine it is hard not to). Focus on what you can do to help, and be patient, because you know his mind is very mixed up now, but he has ended it, so you have that very important fact on your side. Run with it and do your best.

az allison and Rick37 Thank you for your replies. I know I should be grateful that he is still at home. Let me rephrase that I am grateful he is still at home. I`m feeling alittle (ok alot) sorry for myself today. I`ve been in tears most of the morning. I just got done talking myself back to reality. I`m trying very hard to focus on the fact that he is here and he is talking to me about our problems. I`m concerned that his withdrawl mood is getting worse instead of better. Is this normal? allison you said something about a MLC there is no doubt in my mind that that is exactly what is giing on. My H wants to go out with all the yuong guys after work. you know the ones who are 25 and don`t have the responibility that my 39 yo H has. I told him last night he needs to act his age. LB? Probably but I said it anyway. I can`t stop thinking about what it would be like if he left. My heart goes out to all of you in that situation. I`m not sure I could handle that. I guess I could, I know God doesn`t give more than we can handle. allison PATIENCE is not something I do well either. I`m hanging in thank you

ilovehim,<P>Sure it's normal for the withdrawal to seem to be getting worse. It's always darkest before the dawn. <P>The "you don't love me" and "you'd be happier with someone else" are not about you at all. They are about guilt. His guilt. I can't tell you how many times I heard "you don't love me" when my H was in the middle of his affair. He'd ask me what I loved about him, and quite frankly things were so BAD then I couldn't think of what the reasons were. It was his guilt, and as long as I couldn't come up with "convincing" reasons as to why I loved him he could go about what he was doing with a minimal amount of guilt.<P>Now that it's over, and he's starting to act like a lovable person again, I can rattle off lots of reasons I love him, usually. lol Now when he knows he's been kind of a jerk he asks "Do you still love me?" Now he needs reassurance that I'm not going to leave and give up on him. <P>Hang in there, the affair is over. Now you have a chance to work on your marriage. It won't be easy, and a whole lot of it won't be fun, but nothing worthwhile ever is.<P>Keep coming here. It is so helpful to hear other people going through the exact thing you are going through. It helps to remind you that you really aren't crazy, just the situation you've been forced into.

Hi again Ilovehim,<P>You sound a wee bit better today, sorry about those tears you're shedding, I hate it when I get like that. Always feels like it's the end of the world, then after some sleep I feel a little better for letting the tears flow.<P>What is it about responsibility that makes these middle aged men (and some women) freak out. Is it that hard to keep promises I wonder. I feel kinda lucky that he's going through this, and not me...I get to stay in my home and raise my kids every day. I get to see my daughter leave for her homecoming dance tonight, take pictures, the whole bit. Yep, I get very very sad, but I try to remember that I have a life still, lonesome, but I am holding down the fort and doing a damn good job of it.<P>Ok, sorry, enough about me. Keep him there as long as you can. Don't make the mistake I did and agree to a move out in anger...it may sound good in theory, but I'll tell ya, when your husband shows up to take the kids somewhere and you're not invited...it's a killer.<P>When my H was going through withdrawl I didn't realize it, as I didn't know about his 2 year fling. I thought he was going crazy. He'd sit downstairs and watch romantic movies alone and cry...sheesh. Everything I did was wrong. I didn't care about him, I didn't take good enough care of him. I didn't respect his career. Now, I'll admit, I got wayyyy too into the kids during our marriage and he got wayyyyyy to in to leading a "single-married" life, so yeah, I did kind of ignore him...but we have to realize that we could be a blend of Betty-Crocker...Mother Theresa...and Christie Brinkley and we'd get the same nonsense from them.<P>Keep him talking, but not always about the relationship...have some fun with him. Seduce him if you are at all in the mood. Let him see a glimmer of that fun girl he married...the one that didn't used to have a broken heart.<P>~allison