Ok, you guys, don't blast me here, but I am feeling really spiteful towards my husband.<P>As I mentioned on another post my daughter has her first homecoming dance and dinner tonight...really her first real date (she's only 14!ack~). This is driving H crazy, that he's not here to see it all. He's called four times today and has left messages, or is unable to speak with her. Well, I'm sick to death of it...I took the phone off the hook so he'd quit calling. I know he is hurting right now, but I can't take it. I don't want my daughter upset either. <P>I am on a plan a/b thingie. I have not laid eyes on my H in about a month, but talk to him (always him calling) almost every day. No relationship talk though, mostly plans stuff. I try to be nice when he calls, but sometimes get pissy.<P>He is not calling to talk to me, wants to talk to Daughter before her date. Am I a horrible person to take the phone off the hook? Hey, he left us, and this is my night dammit...I get to take the pictures...I get to be the corny parent with the camera...he probably has a date tonight anyway!!!<P>I'm pissed...why should he get any of the good stuff when my goal this weekend is not to get laid, but to get the damn laundry done? I don't get to just get in my car whenever I want and do exactly what I want out there in the world. I don't get to be free...I've got all the responsibility here. <BR>He has to learn, he is going to miss all the great teenage stuff, and all of the teenage problems. I let him stay here last weekend while I was out of town and he and the kids loved every minute of it. He had a pary for my son's 13th birthday, with 18 kids over here...and H loved it.<P>Ok, ranting, venting, pissing and moaning. Gotta go now, son wants his hair bleached. Yep, another big Sat night...lol...<P>But really, Bless these children of mine. If I can do anything to make them happy I will.<P>~allison

I guess I'm having trouble identifying. My H won't go to back to school nights, called only 3 or 4 times in the last year to talk to the kids. Although he takes them out to dinner for their birthdays and gives them presents, he has not once wished them Happy Birthday on their birthdays since shortly after he left, didn't call last Christmas, has little interest in their day to day lives.

I don't know what the right thing to do is, but this must be driving him nuts not to get in touch. Combine that with what a wonderful time he had with them last weekend, and at least you've got to think that he is seeing some of what he will miss by being apart. Given that you are doing a partly Plan B, not being there for contact all the time is part of it, I guess.<P>I'm probably not the best one to be commenting, given my situation and my spitefulness/resent that I've had the past few days.<P>Enjoy the night and all the fun that you have with your kids. He is missing out on it.

Hey Allison Jo,<P>Hi girl! Gosh, I know what you must be feeling ... I think it's GOODNESS that you're letting him see what it could be like no longer being connected to his family.<P>You know Allison, I don't want to give you false hope ... but when I read what's going on I see several shades of Lostva's situation.<P>I think there is a very good chance your H is going to turn around. I think you are doing all the right things ... leaving him alone to do what he needs to do and not allowing him to get to you so much.<P>You do know he is really hurting right now, right, Allison? He must be ... <P>So I have a question for you ... IF your H wanted to come back and lets say he says it's because of the kids (altho we know the WS uses that for an excuse most the time), at this point would you be willing to take him back and explore recovery? If so, what would be your conditions???<P>Mr. Schmuck has tons to think about right now and here's what I see him struggling with: (now these are all guesses as I've never been a WS)<P>1. I won't be able to participate in my kids lives to the degree I want to because being a part time father is not anywhere near what I want or need or am use to.<P>2. My wife may get sick of all of this soon and decide to take control and end it, or as Joanne's schmuck say's "move on".<P>3. Is this OW really worth loosing my family for,is she going to "pay off" in the long run. Do I really see a future with her, will she fill all of my needs?<P>4. If I even considered returning, what about all the hurt and pain I've caused them, what about all the resentment, have I completely shut the door? <P>5. Eminent Holidays: what's it going to be like without my kids and our traditional Thanksgiving and Christmas, how am I going to feel?<P>6. What about all the people (friends, relatives) that know about this, if I wanted back, how can I face them?<P>Those are just some of the things I think he may be contemplating right now Allison. Not sure why I wnated you to read them ... I just think you need to know that he IS conflicted. I'm certain of it.<P>I'm pretty sure the last week-end where he spent it at the house with the kids being DAD again must have made a huge emotional impression on him and his Fog state. Don't you?<P>Just some things to kick around.<P>I hope you are well, Honey.<P>I'll be on tonight if you want to volley some posts.<P>Love ya!<BR>Jo<P>P.S. January is just around the corner ... Whoo hoo!

P.S. Allison ...<P>My mail box was clear today, pheeeew!<P>Was yours safe too?

Hey Allison,<P>I am sorry to hear you are having a bad time of it. I guess we all are. How is your boy doing, by the way? How is your car? Mine is bent. Got rear-ended yesterday. Luckily I was at my Chiro for adjustment anyway(10 feet away.) I think being exrayed and adjusted intantly after really is helping with the aches. I was adjusted twice yesterday! It will be worthit though. <P>I think it is great that your D is going on her homecoming dance tonite. She must be so excited! My D is only 11. I will still be calling you, but not sure when. D chipped a bone in her had day before yesterday, has Orthopedist appt mon., I have Chiro too then the usual afternoon schedulr... I will find the time. H is going out of town W & Th. It does not feel like Halloween this year.<P>We have a big date again this week. We are going to a classical guitar concert at 8 then out to eat late after. Cross your fingers! <P>B

Hi Allison, I know how you feel. They just want to pop in and "feel" important in their children's life for a moment in time....but not do the rest of the work. It's the "teenage" ML thing. <P>Let her call him AFTER the event and tell him all about it. You just enjoy this rite of passage. It is very special. The two of you will grow closer through all of this. I know my 11 year old d and I have. Actually all three of my children and I have, but especailly the adolecent (ug!!!)

Hey alll,<P>Thanks for your responses. Wish I was in the mood to believe all you said Jo...and all...I got an extra special little gift tonight.<P>No Jo, not papers, I have not checked my mail yet.<P>Since I had my phone off the hook I was checking messages every so often. He left one for D to call, then ten minutes later another one...this one was I think a mistake.<P>He must have hit re-dial on accident. I could hear a woman talking and laughing. She was trying to drive a stick shift car and H was trying to teach her how to put the car in gear. She was having a great time...lots of "hehehe...I can't FIND it...where IS it?" He...pull down on it harder (this is almost funny to type it...and no, they were not having sex...) He..."ok, ok now it's in first do you see now?"<P>It only went on for about a minute before the cell phone hung up. We don't even own a damn stick shift car! <P>Well, I'm a bit shaken at best here. You know, as much as I've been praying, I just wonder what kind of God would let this happen. I felt like I was in the damn car with them, watching while they were having a grand ole time. Is God trying to tell me something here...go ahead Allison, let the love die...here...I'll show you what's going on out there with him...maybe that'll help.<P>Don't mean to blame God here, but how can all of you stay so faithful to Him when things like this happen? This was some kind of weird fate.<P>I don't know exactly who this woman is. It would be easy for me to find out, but I haven't bothered this time. I decided not to put any emphasis on who...for my own sanity. But now, I've heard her voice, her laugh, her having a good time with MY HUSBAND. You know what, screw him...I've got kids to raise here...I've got to stay sane.<P>So...the question is, do I mention this cute little incident to him when I next talk to him? <P>Got to admit that I let my kids (2 of them) hear it too. At first I thought maybe it was my son on the message, so I played it for him and it wasn't, then other son came in the room while I was crying and I let him listen to it. I guess I went a little nuts by doing that. He simply said "dad is having an affair" and walked out of the room. He's 13. Badness begets badness I guess. I got what I deserved.<P>allison

Now wait a minute Allison, Honey.<P>YOU ARE NOT BAD! You did something in a reactionary state. Allison, you've been thru hell and are still there, please please stop being so hard on yourself.<P>Damn it! I can't believe that happened, what a thing to have happened. Jeeeez!<P>I'll tell you a quick story about what happened to me regarding cells:<P>H called and called me (remember those days) well I wasn't picking up until one day he called at work on an unidentifiable number, I talked to him and he pleaded with me to talk with him and let him call me AND for me to please call him. So Okay .... later that same day I call him on his cell ... so what happens ... he answers, he hears it's me and in the background I can hear a bunch of people (woman and kids) laughing ... I say hello, hello and my H says ... this damn thing just keeps ringing, I wonder what's wrong with it AND HANGS UP ON ME! I try calling him back and he turned off his cell.<P>Oh man ... talk about hysterics! I left him several voicemails crying and being reactionary, I just couldn't believe my ears, that he would really do something like that to me.<P>So Honey ... you are such a sweet, loving woman, you and I both know you'd never do anything to hurt anyone, stop being hard on yourself. Be mad at H, but don't blame yourself for telling your son.<P>I don;t know why God allows or even engineers these type of things to happen ... and I don't know if you should tell you H you know. Maybe just use the information to help guide you to a resolve .. a more firm resolve to ace him and his friggin A out of your feelings for a term ... we acn only take so many things before we become numb to it. But please don't let this make your callus because you have so much love in you ... it's what makes you Allsion, you don;t deserve to suffer this and also become a callus, bitter person. Does this make sense?<P>I'm just so sorry Allison, I;m crying with you ... you know I know the hurt. I'm just so sorry.<P>I'm here, so just post away Hon.<P>Love,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited October 28, 2000).]

Thank you Jo, and thank you all for posting.<P>Burned, Please do call me. I'm sorry about your accident and your daughter. When it rains it pours, huh? You and H had a real date...that is so wonderful...I knew you could keep up the hard work you're doing. My son's car was totalled a month or so ago, but he got another this week, so I don't have to drive him everywhere anymore, thank God.<P>Jo, thanks for being here for me. I wonder if it's later there than it is here. Don't stay up and worry, and don't be sad for me, please...it won't do either of us any good.<P>You are a dear person Jo, and I always look forward to reading whatever you type. Thank you so much for your empathy...this situation just is horrible, and keeps getting worse. I have to harden my heart right now, or else it will break in two. I am finally getting mad...and don't have the faintest idea how to handle it. I'm not an angry sort of person, don't much like myself when I feel this way, so it's time to harden up a bit. I dont think I have it in me to be bitter, hope not. Those left behind with only bitterness seem to ruin their own lives eventually. I don't want to be one of those.<P>Jo, do you think this Plan B is a good thing? I know, I've asked this question before and been answered very well, by a lot of you. It just doesn't feel right to me. I suck at it. I guess it does work in the way it's supposed to because, like you, I am tending to remember the good stuff instead of the bad, but it feels so unnatural to not see him. Hell, I can't compete with Miss Stick Shift anyway...whoever she is, so what can I do. BTW, I learned to drive a damn stick shift in 10th grade..what the hell is her problem? Maybe she's to old to remember. Yep, H likes them older than me for some reason.<P>Damn...I am ranting once again. Hate being so self involved.<P>I wrote a post to your H Jo, did you see it? I hope you don't mind. I'll delete it if you want me to. Maybe it was the wrong time for me to talk to a betrayer. <P>Get some rest...don't worry about me. I'm ok. Maybe this was the dose of reality I needed to let me truly detach. To be honest, H seemed rather annoyed with whoever he was teaching to shift...she was doing all the laughing. Isn't it funny what we tell ourselves to keep hanging on. In a day or two I'll have this all reasoned out to fit my little fantasy of how I think life should be. <P>Jo...thank you...and all of you for helping me. It's hard to keep getting up and dusting myself off, but I know others here really do have worse situations. <P>Nellie, you have had the hardest time. I'm so sorry. It's horrible that he doesn't seem to even care about your precious children. There is a man I work with that married a woman with five children after her H divorced her. We talked for a long time last week...they just made the most wonderful life together. He took on each and every one of those kids as if they were his own. They put them all through college, paid for their weddings...the whole thing. He is more of a dad to them then their bio dad ever was. There is light at the end of the tunnel, for so many. Don't give up.<P>allison<P>

allison, I`m sure I don`t have any real answers,I just wanted you to know that I`m thinking about you. You really made me feel better yesterday. You are obviously a wonderful person. Don`t ever think otherwise. I know how much you helped me, I`m sure there are many more you have made feel better as well. I hope your daughter had a wonderful time at her dance. Please don`t be angry with God just have faith and know he has his reasons he does know best. You are in my prayers.

Allison, God gives us free will. He doesn't want us to hurt others, or sin.... He wants us to do the "right thing". He wants us to live in truth.<P>You can't make your H live, or love that way, but you can do it. Remember what a friend told me when I asked what lesson the kids get from this... "you don't know what God has in store for your children later in life, perhaps it will be in seeing your faith and strength in dealing with this difficult time, that will get them through something in the future".<P>Try to go back to your son and discuss things alittle. I was 13 when I knew my dad was having an affair. It changed me, and haunted me, and now I am reliving the betrayal again with someone I love.<P>The kid's counselor helped me discuss "happiness" with the kids. My H has yet to tell the kids why he moved out. Just that he was sad and confused. The counselor and I told them that he was not happy and thought he might be happy somewhere else...but it had nothing to do with them. We discussed happyness, where it comes from (inside) and that perhaps they were worried that I too would suddenly decide I was unhappy and want to leave.<P>I reassured them that I knew the things that made me happy...that not all adults do, and that I wanted them to learn to figure out the things that made them happy and content in life. We spend time at night occasionally discussing this topic...and in their prayers they thank God for one thing that happened in the day, and ask God for one thing that they are having difficulty with. <P>My eldest got the hang of it rather quickly and did not ask for "things", but "fruits of the spirit" so to speak... My 9 year old is about 50/50.... (many times he thanks for what HE has been given or asks for what HE wants),,,,, but I think my 5 year old has hit "IT"....thanking for and asking for things for OTHERS..... so sweet.<P>Hang in there. To me, it sounds like a silly teenager prank of LETTING you hear what was going on. Do not let it effect you. Keep moving FORWARD and UP...if not on!!!!

Oh Allison, what a horrible night you had. I'm soooo sorry.<P>Bittersweet stuff with your daughter, huh? Did she look all grown up and beautiful? Lots of pictures I hope!<P>How is your son doing? I think you probably ought to call your H and let him know that your S heard the messge last night so he can talk to him. Did you save the message so H can hear what S heard?<P>How are you doing today? I know that this stuff gets old and is very difficult to handle. Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I can't compete with Miss Stick Shift anyway...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>OH MY! ALLISON!!!!! Yes, you can!<P>Wrong attitude sweetheart . Never say never...<P>You CAN DO whatever you WANT to do. Where's your spirit?<P>Don't put limits on yourself. Don't box yourself in. Reach deep down inside yourself, find your gusto, and USE IT to get what you want.<P>You want to date your H? Then *book* a date with him. Don't discuss your *situation*...just date him. Be fun, light-hearted, sexy, and remember to smile!<P>Hold your head high! Stand tall, be fearless. Take the word "can't" out of your vocabulary.<P>YOU CAN, IF YOU CHOOSE TO!<P>Peace, ~Marie<BR>---------------<BR>"Never give up. Never, never give up. Never, never, never give up." ~Winston Churchill<BR>

Thank you my friends,<P>You do give me the uplift to keep on keepin' on...every day.<P>Little update here...<P>H called to make arrangements to take the kids to a movie today, insisted on talking to me (gulp). He asked about dtrs dance and then started crying. He lost control completley. What could I do? I just waited it out.<P>I told him about the phone call. Kinda kicked him when he was down, but I did it kindly. Told him he'd better watch that re-dial funcion cuz whoever he was trying to teach to drive a stick shift was heard loud and clear. He froze. I managed to laugh, told him sounded like he was having a lot of fun out there in the world...go for it, just don't let me hear it again. He had nothing to say...I know he feels terrible, but guess what...GOOD!<P>We managed to end on an up note. Some obnoxious friends of ours sent us a party invitation. I forwarded it to H last week with a note telling him that he got this particular set of freinds in the seperation. Well, I can still crack him up. He thinks I am soooo funny....blech!!!<P><BR>Thanks for all of your positive notes. I recovered from this one pretty quickly. As you guys know, we have things to do, can't allow too much time to wallow.<P>Take care all, and enjoy your Sunday. Have you each done something nice for yourselves? <BR>Got the kiddos ready for trick or treating? That's how I spent my morning, getting a costume ready for my youngest. I love Halloween...and will try hard not to be sad to be handling it on my own for the first time.<P>~allison

{{{{{{{allison}}}}}}}<P>Hi there. You looked like you could use a hug.<P><P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

Hey Allison,<P>Good for you! You go girl. It's so weird ... my H and I are the same way ... I still crack him up ... we still laugh together. I make slight jokes of some of the situations, that is, when I'm not crying about them. <P>I think OMMarie is right, date your H, call him up and ask his a** out. It couldn't hurt.<P>I told you, he's in conflict Allison, he's in so much emotional turmoil he doesn;t know what he wants, this MLC is teaching him, but the lesson is yet to be learned, he may get an F or an A, it all depends on his character ... and I think you are his example. Continue to be a good example, stay strong. Remember your famous and righteous post "I Get It!".<P>You RULE Allison, you're being such a good Mom and parent in solo, I don't know how you;re doing it, Hon. I admire you so much.<P>And BTW: Whooo Hoo, that cute guy who smiles at you at the game, well he knows what a wonderful prize he saw, and you know it too, you're a woman and wife a man would die for ... hope Mr. Schmuck realizes it before it's too late. <P>Love you lots!<P>God Bless,<BR>Jo<P>Hey, tell me what the kids are gonna be for Halloween. And maybe you could post pics of your Dtr's dance and your youngest in her Halloween costume. Loved to see them and YOU too!

Thanks Cooker...I did need that, how'd ya know? You're an unusual man to know just when someone needs a hug. <P>Jo,<P>Thanks again...and again...for the kind words. As far as dating...been there, done that, all summer. It was great until Miss Stick Shift came on board, then zombie city for Schmuck. No way am I gonna put myself in a position to be turned down for a date by my husband..Nuh uh, no way no how! But thanks guys, I know you have my best interests at heart here.<P>He called again, and asked if he could start coming in again when he picks up the kids. Said waiting outside for them makes him feel like a scumbag. You'd be proud...I told him it was fine, then I hid in the bathroom. I'm such a coward! LOL<P>My youngest is the only one still young enough to trick or treat. He's going as a hillbilly girl...it is hilarious. He got some of those Billy Bob teeth, a little gingham shirt, now I'm trying to get him to wear some "boobs" but he has drawn the line dammit.<P>Thanks for asking and caring Jo. My dtr had a wonderful time and it was a huge deal. If I had a scanner I'd post pics, but I don't. If you like I'll mail you some.<P>Jo, have you talked to Steve this weekend, or since his "moving on" talk? I honestly don't think he's gonna send you divorce papers out of the blue. Remember, it's not over till it's over girl, and even then...well, you get my drift.<P>Damn we're gonna make some man (who knows which man) happy someday. LOL<P>Thanks guys...allison

Sorry Allison,<P>Messed up on your youngest being a boy, not a girl. Sorry. But maybe I was psychic and knew he was dressing up as a girl for halloween. <P>I hope some day I could make some man, maybe even H, a good wife and make him happy. That would make me happy too.<P>I would love you to send me pics. Please email me. I'll send you my slugmail address to your email addy, k?<P>Mr. Allison wants to come in the house again now, eh? Doesn't want to feel like a scumbag, well that's a start. He's starting to see himself a bit ... starting to peak into a bit of reality I'd say. I hope and pray he'll keep on that path, his heart has to tell him what he's doing is wrong, there isn't any two ways about it. There's nothing he can tell himself to justify his actions, absolutely NOTHING!<P>In a way I feel for him and all the WS's out there, they have so much guilt to live with but they fight it with the immediate and fleeting fogged "good feelings", they really are in a weird and crazy state of mind.<P>They want to be happy so bad but don't understand what they're feelings when they feel good for those short spans of time are not "REAL" love or conscious living, their a pure and short lived fantasy, altho for us it's no where near short lived, it feels like forever, and every corner we turn we find another horrid discovery full of pain. IT SUCKS!<P>It's a learning experience for both sides, but they certainly are driving, aren't they.<P>Your H is "hurting", I keep saying that to you because I know he is. Some men can't take the reality of facing their mortality, they run from it ... it certainly does point to them, speaking in the majority, being the weaker sex. I mean think of all the life issues women go thru yet sustain the family and its needs. That's why I said your being a shining example to your H and children, he'll one day, hopefully soon, see what you've done by being so damn strong in facing all this adversity, he'll have one heck of a time coming to grips with what he is and has done. I pray he'll forgive himself. I know you will. That's just Allison and we love you for that.<P>Okay, long rambling post but just some thougths for you, Hon. I'm with you thru this all the way Allison. Please stay strong and allow yourself joy with your kids. I want to see you happy.<P>Love,<BR>Jo<P>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited October 29, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited October 29, 2000).]

(((Allison,)))<P>I just got home from the weekend and wanted to add my hugs too. I'm so sorry you had a rough one. I'll be praying for you tonight.<BR>Lora