Allison - Wow. As you told me recently, it just doesn't seem to get easier does it? I guess I should be overjoyed that my H has taken the steps that he has,and I am, but the lying is almost more than I can take.<P>Quite honestly, I am just tired of OW being around in any manner and would like to tell H that. I am just plain tired, not physically, I can run 3 miles now without a hard breath (so I guess something good has come of this), but emotionally. My soul is weary and I just don't know how much longer I can keep going like this. It seems like everyone's needs are met but mine. And yes H and I have talked about it, but suddenly the things that used to be important to him are not anymore. And if they are not important to him, he can't see why/how he should meet them in someone else.<P>My H is a taker...always has been...but I just realized it, as long as things are the way he wants them, then things are okay. He is also a conflict avoider...understand now why he treated women in his past the way that he did. In some respects I think his A was an attempt to get my attention, along with a big dose of MLC. And now he is stuck trying to get out of it with a very demanding OW who won't just let him slip away like he did in the past. And he has a wife! So he has to deal with his actions instead of just pretending they didn't happen. He really messed it up this time! The only plus is that she is getting very pushy and accusatory with him while I am supportive, loving etc. So my question is just what is in the A that keeps him there. Why this loyalty to OW and not wanting to hurt her. What about me and our children? Is it that he KNOWS that we are there and not going anywhere so it is easy for him to just wait until she has had enough and ends it?<P>I just keep waiting for him to get to the point where he says "this is bull, she has no right to be demanding anything of me, she is NOT my wife!" Seems to be a long time coming though. Guess this is where I am supposed to become the OW in his life. Hum...hadn't really thought about it like that. Now she is feeling threatened...GOOD!<P>Well this had little or nothing to do with your situation...guess just wanted to share in the misery. <P>The truth is though that we are tougher than we seem. And in a sense the worst is over...we know about their A so that gives us the power to do something about it. It is the 'something' that seems to trip us up. How long to keep trying and when to just throw in the towel. When/if to confront them or just let it slide and hope that they will figure it out. Sounds like we are at the same crossroad, just don't know which way to take.<P>The one thing to remember...you did not cause this, you are not responsible...there are a lot of ways to solve problems and an A is NOT one of them. You be YOU, take this time to find out everything you can about yourself. I know that it is not easy. I have kids too and their demands can be many, but I have told them that there are times when I need to do things for me or their dad and I need to do things together, and they do understand.<P> Don't let this make you question who you are, you are special and unique. There is no one else on this earth like you and if your H cannot see that and appreciate it, take comfort in the fact that YOU know it. And also, if the time comes, that there are other gentlemen out there that would love and appreciate you and your talents. <P>I can look in the mirror and see a person that I happen to like a whole lot, couldn't always say that. You can too. Bet the mirror would crack if our H's dared take a look .<P>Oh I did answer your questions about Maine in an earlier post called 'what to do now'. <P>Take care - V with a

Hi Allison,<P>Didn't check this site all weekend. Just wanted to send hugs your way. That phone call must've just tormented you. I'm sorry that happened the way it did and feeling for your boys, too.<P>Don't hide in the bathroom when your H comes to pick your children up. If you're still going to plan A, he needs to see you as a loving person. It's not easy, believe me I know. But, we need to try our best to be the loving people we are despite the devastation.<P>This weekend was my MIL birthday party; it was held at my home. Didn't hear or see H for about 3 weeks. He was upset about something and so I didn't make any contact just to give him space.<P>The party started at 11:00 a.m., and I wasn't sure if he was coming or not. The previous weekend H skipped a party for old time friends that married recently. It was almost 1 pm, and I began to become upset because he was still a no show. I was so upset I was fighting back tears, when in he walks. My MIL calls over to me, "The lost man is here." She's a crack up! He says hello to everyone and comes over to kiss me (on lips) as he greets me. My point is don't make it hard for your H to come to you. If he sees that you're angry, hurting, or distant it will be difficult for him to be friendly with you. Does that make sense?<P>Anyway, hope your week is better! Take care, MT

Just wanted to get this up top again so Allison wouldn't think we had deserted her.

Thanks friends...I took it all in, printed it all up, and will repeat it all until it sinks in to my thick skull<P>Hey, Happy Halloween!!!<P>Be careful out there. It's very spooky <P>allison

Hi Allison,<P>Have not been here for a while, my H was mad because I got S hair cut w/o him. I agree to damn bad. He had the affair not me. Called this morning thought I would change my plans for S first trick or treat night. Told him NO had these palns for a long time. He was in tears. Again OH well. He has to become aware of the fact that he is going to miss alot of S first. He already has S is 14 months old. H says he wants to come home last time I opened my arms and welcomed him no strings attached remember this. Not this time it has to be OVER with AW and he needs to get help. Oh well I have vented enough gotta run S will be up bright and early tomm. H says he is coming to see S tomm. We will see.<P>Thanks<BR>Michelle

AZ Allie,<P>Ok, this is as close to a 'blast' as I'm gonna come and it's not even that bad Maybe you're not entiely OK w/ your decision to leave the phone off the hook, or else you wouldn't have turned the 'anti-blasting' mechanism on. <P>Being as my only child is all of two and a half months old, I cannot say I know what it's like to have a daughter your age, etc. I do think it's your H'd right to talk to her as often as he wants to. He is still her father, rotten or not. And although she may be angry with him for all the terrible things he's done, she still needs him, very much.<P>Plus, if he were to talk to her on the phone, he knows he still can't see her all fixed up in her beautiful dress, and he can't be ther to sit in the livingroom, polishing his hunting rifle when her date comes to pick her up. That phone call could go a long way in making him realize how much he's missing by running around being Mr. Player. Instead, now he's going to be sitting wherever he is and muttering about what a pain in the neck you are when he could be ruminating on what a jerk he is acting like.<P>That's one of the good points of a strong plan A! <P>Let me tell you why I feel so strongly about this. My mom kept my father away from me as I was growing up due to their own personal differences. It was both my loss and his. Her actions must have given her a sense of power and control over the situation. But in the end, both of us suffered becasue of it.<P>Your daughter is lucky she's had a dad to be close to for all the years she's had him. I wouldn't know the feeling. Don't take that away from her because of your anger, Allison. You are a far, far better person than that. <P>I realize that Homecoming night is over with now, but there will be situations in the future where he will want to be there again. I hope you will remember anything in this post you may have agreed with to help you make the right choices.<P>Khyra

Hi Allison,<BR>I haven't replied to your threads much lately but that doesn't mean I'm not keeping tabs on you. I hope your spiteful feelings have subsided somewhat by now. I know too well how that feels, even if my reasons are so different from yours. <P>I wonder if you might look at my thread on emotional needs. You might have noticed that I don't start my own threads much, and I plucked up some courage finally to post my own. You are a person I'd really like to hear from. A conflict our marriages have in common is one spouse viewing the other as being too dependent. That's how I view my H, and you've made comments that your H views you the same way. The thread is called breaking the silence. Thanks. <P>ps, Allison, more specifically I'm interested in how you ended up in your roles before you separated. I'm feeling like I'm stuck in a role I didn't want in the first place, and even though I know better, I'm blaming my H for being too dependent on me. I'm hoping to gain some insight on how I got into this pickle and I hope you can see something that I can't. <p>[This message has been edited by lonesome heart (edited November 01, 2000).]

Khyra...<P>Ouch...you are right. Thank you for telling me, it must have been difficult, but you are so right. <P>I do it out of spite, I realize that. Yuck, I do not want to be this type of person. I just wish right now that he'd go away, and not bother us. I am trying hard to adapt to life alone, and any input from him equates to pain for me.<P>Khrya, it meant a lot to me that you said what you did. I don't want to hurt my kids, and I am doing just that.<P>Thank you so much<BR>allison

Allie,<P>I am really glad that you can look at things from a new perspective. I am sorry because I didn't mean to hurt you at all, just to put things at a different but important angle.<P>I know you are NOT this kind of person and that you do not want to allow the pain and abuse you are suffering at the hands of your Husband to turn you into one. Pain like this can wear you down and make you bitter. But I think you have the power over something like this happening as long as you stop and recognize where you are headed. It's always hard to see it and it takes A LOT of strength.<P>Your H is at least still concerned about his children. Sure it's a killer to have to deal with this man at all. But, Allison, count your blessings! There are so many here who's WSs don't give a DAMN about their kids as they are in the throes of their little love dramas. It hurts, but I do hope you don't keep your H from the kids - they don't deserve to be hurt anymore than they already have. <P>As for that stick shift call - I have a coupla good ideas as to where she can stick her little 'shift.' Talk about an LB - you are MUCH stronger than I would have been. I wouldn't have been able to resist the temptation of asking "Was that an intimate moment there or were you trying to teach her how to drive her car? Just thought I'd ask ..." <P>Heheh, sorry couldn't resist.<P>Love, <P>Khyra<P>