I'm tired of all of this. I'm tired of being harrassed by our neighbors, harrassment which in large part precipatated my H's depression. I'm tired of having something break every couple of weeks, and spending a huge chunk of my income to fix it. I'm tired of living in poverty. Tired of the fact that I'm thinking of borrowing money from my 14 year old to pay the plumber. Tired of raising 4 kids by myself (not counting the 2 in college), 3 of whom have learning disabilities, and for one of those three the disability is quite severe. Tired of going into work knowing that at any time I could get laid off because business has been so poor. Tired of being almost 20 years older than the mothers of the kids in my childs preschool.<P>Tired of knowing I threw my life away on someone who threw me away as soon as he found someone richer. Tired of knowing that I would be earning half again as much and living in a community that I called home if I hadn't given it all up to go with him when he wanted to go into business for himself. Tired of wondering if it was all done under false pretenses, because I thought he loved me, I thought he believed there was nothing more important in the world than his family. <P>Tired of seeing the man whom I thought I knew not only hate me, but reject his children as well, when for 20 years, no matter what faults I may have thought he had, I thought he was devoted to his children. Tired of having him hurting his children by constantly reducing how often he allows them to visit, and then blaming either me or them, and of having him further hurt his child by accusing him of only wanting to visit so he could play with the OW's kids' nintendo. Tired of knowing that you can never know someone - that what seems to be their core values, their basic character, can evaporate overnight. Tired of watching someone who used to be pretty sensitive turn into a something devoid of emotion. Tired of seeing a man who only 5 years ago in a job interview told the interviewer how important his family was to him be content to spend so little time with his children. Tired of knowing that it is impossible to know whom you can trust.<P>You can't know who to trust, because trustworthiness is not a character trait that is permanent. Actually, there is no such thing as a character trait, because the very word trait implies constancy. <P>Years ago, when a man in our town murdered his wife and children, my daughter, who was only 9, asked how you can be sure when you get married that your husband won't kill you. I thought it was horrible that she had to worry about that, and tried to reassure her that such things were extremely rare. I never realized how prophetic, figuratively at least, her question was.
