Husband and I have been married almost 10 years. Each of those ten years have been filled with manipulative behaviors from husband that include sex only when he wants, hand holding only when he wants, cuddling only when he wants etc. The only time that he might want any of these is about twice. We have two children and the oldest who is 8 states frequently to dad that he is going to treat his wife better when he gets married. <P>The opportunity to have an affair has fallen into my lap and I am so tempted even though I know that this would only be a quick fix. I really need the love, affection and attention that I am not getting at home. Tonight, got into an argument with husband and as a punishment to me, he is withholding sex until he is ready again. Please can someone help me to understand what I can do to bring some joy into my life without going into the arms of another man.

ladyleed,<P>I am too tired tonight to give you the reasonable advice you need so badly.<P>I'm sorry that your marriage is less than wonderful. All that effort you're using to lure another man to you could be put to a great use by showing your H how much you love and need him. Please read some of the posts here written by betrayed spouses, and imagine putting your husband through that much pain. Your marriage will forever be changed, and the re=building it will take to get it just to where IT IS NOW is quite a task.<P>I beg you...don't do it. Talk to your H...now. Give him a gift that most of us here didn't get...the truth, up front. At least that way he'll know now, and not after it's too late.<P>Keep posting, more people will be here to help you much more than I can.<P>allison

Ladyleed,<BR>   Please don't. You can't imagine how much worse things will get. It will only validate your husbands poor treatment in his eyes. Break all contact with the other man now!<BR> Go to NSR's post "Notable treads" post on Just found Out. Start reading, keep posting, make an appointment with the Harleys, do anything but have an affair! There are many people here who have been where you are, they can help.<BR> I know you are in great pain. There are problems in your marriage, but they can be fixed. You can be happy and in love with the man you married. If you can accomplish this, the love and affection you deserve will last a lifetime, not just for the duration of an affair! You are in my prayers.<P> God bless you, <P>------------------<BR><P>Lynton

Ladyleed,<P>Hi and welcome, here is a link that maybe be helpful to you <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html</A> <P>I agree with the others. I know how hard it is to be married to a man who is like that. My h is that way, but having an affair is not the answer. Go to him and tell him you love him, but there are needs he isn't meeting. Very important ones. And that you are afraid of what you may do. There may be needs of his that he doesn't feel are being met by you too. Be honest with him, that is very important. <P>Does he tell you that he is with holding affection and attention as punishment or is this what you feel he is doing ? Remember men and women are very different creatures. We see things in a different way. The link above has a link link that will take you to the emotional needs questionair , why not try to get hubby to join you in filling this out, one copy each, and urge honesty. This may really help you two.<P>But please don't cheat on him, no matter how hard this is now, no one deserves that kind of pain. Not him , not you, not the op, and not the op's wife (if he is also married) If you can't make the marriage work, then leave first, I think you should give it all you have before you do that tho. Remember, this is supposed to be as forsaking all others long as you both shall live, not untill I <BR>feel the need to take a lover for attention and affection. <P>If you cheat and H finds out, (and these things do come out sooner or later) you could lose everything. Is that a risk you are willing to take ? Read some of the posts here, see the pain that affairs have caused us, betrayed and betrayers alike. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

Run, don't walk, to a bookstore (or go online), and get "Passionate Marriage", by Dr. David Scharch. Among many other things, explores maniupulive and controlling behaviors, as well as the only ways to defeat the "gridlock" that relationships can windup in, typically due to family of origin issues in one or both in the couple. I can't recommend it highly enough. Dr. Harley's books are very good, but there are situations and issues that they don't address adequately, in my opinion. Other than that, I'd recommend conseling as soon as possible, for your sake as well as the marriage.<P>Good luck, and best wishes.<P>Regards,<P>Jon

Ladyleed,<P>After reading your post I had to walk away and cry. You have absolutely no idea of how devastating an affair is to the betrayed spouse. There truely are no words that do it justice.<P>You have put your husband under the microscope and disected all of his flaws. My suggestion to you is to now do the same thing to yourself through your husband's eyes.<P>If you look up NSR's post of other sites to look at, there is one that is an in depth interview with a psychologist about affairs. The doctor says the same thing I tried telling my husband (the betrayer) for years. She says that many who have affairs say that they weren't getting enough at home, when in reality they weren't giving enough.<P>I don't know what your life is like now, but I can tell you how it will be if you have an affair. It will be a living hell. Your husband's life will be a living hell. And saddest of all, your children's lives will be a living hell. You will turn their world upside down. <P>If you are not happy, see a counselor, talk to your husband about YOUR feelings, not about how HE makes you feel, read books about the reality of affair's, and if all else fails, see an attorney. <P>Having an affair will not solve any of your problems. On the contrary, it will create ones you never even thought of, it will make the marriage you have now look like a cakewalk.<P>Please do what someone else suggested, talk to your husband. Don't accuse, don't point fingers. Go to him, look at him with love in your eyes and in your voice and tell him how you feel. If only my H had come to me like that instead of constantly screaming and saying he was going to find someone else, we both could have been saved so much pain. He tells me now that he is so sorry for "hurting" me. What he doesn't understand is that what I feel is so far beyond pain, that simple being in pain would be a blessing.

I am a woman who had an affair.<P>Some might say that I had a good reason: my H had several affairs before I did, and actually, had two after I did as well. Yeah, my marriage was a mess.<P>THAT'S NOT A REASON TO HAVE AN AFFAIR. It IS a reason to DIVORCE, but not to have an affair. There is NO GOOD REASON.<P>That said, would you like to know how I felt about myself during/after the affair? I wanted to die. I slept with the OM once. That's all it took to finalize my already fragile self-esteem. You'd think it would have been wonderful, wouldn't you? The OM made me feel beautiful and loved... problem is, he wasn't my H. I wanted my H to make me feel beautiful and loved, and so they were empty words/feelings. I got very very sick, stressed, lost a ton of weight... and the VERY WORST PART was what happened to my H and children. They all lost respect for me, to begin with. When my stbx cheated, **I** was the strong one the kids looked to for stability and strength. I blew that one, BIG TIME. I was selfish and didn't care that much, because I was in so much pain myself. I ended up in the hospital with what the doc's thought was cancer - it wasn't thank God - and on top of all that, going to work was a hell of its own because the OM worked with me. I had no safe place: not home, not work, my friends were kind but didn't understand, same with my family... and now I'm getting divorced. Final in 15 days, to be exact.<P>BE CAREFUL. You might get what you wish for and then realize you sold your soul to the devil. And I'm not being overly-dramatic.<P>BEST WISHES... please, make the right choice and fix your marriage or get out of it before you do this.<P>

Stand strong and do the right thing!!! Sit down and have a heart-to-heart with your H. Give him the opportunity to be the H you dream of.<P>If this doesn't seem possible, then get a divorce before becoming involved with someone else.<P>Peace, ~Marie<P>------------------<BR>"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars." ~unknown

I think you will only be disappointed. Anybody who would have an affair with a married woman isn't much of a catch either.<P>------------------<BR>Jim Lewis<BR><A HREF="http://marriedadults.net/forum" TARGET=_blank>The Forums at Married Adults.com</A>

Lady,<P>At least you have the tenacity to come here and post for help. Sounds like you want a push in one direction or the other. Well, on this message board, we like to see marriages succeed.<P>Lady, I cheated on my husband a little over a year ago. We have come a long way since then. We had a lot of issues that I too was fed up with. How I wish I had come here then and posted just like you did just now. My whole life and my husband's whole life would be soooo much better right now. My actions have contributed greatly to the financial, fiscal and emotonal ruin of our entire lives. We are rebuilding it very slowly now. We have both lived thru pain and sadness that is unbearable.<P>And so have soo many others here, as you can see. <P>You see, cheating is a coward's way of trying to solve a problem. If you are unhappy in your marriage [which it sounds like you have several reasons to be] then there are a few things you can do:<P>1) seek counselling - not just marriage counselling, but also for yourself on an individual basis.<P>2) TALK to your hubby about exactly what's bothering you. Be frank. Tell him you are so unhappy that you are thinking of finding love and comfort elsewhere. Don't say it as a threat, just put your heart on the table. It may make him wake up and smell the coffee.<P>3) STAY AWAY from whoever it is you have your eye on as a possible cheat partner. I'll bet you've already met someone who you have in mind. Let me tell you - i only takes a second to cheat, but it takes a LIFETIME to rebuild your relationship.<P>YOu can only bring the wost kind of misery into your life by taking this passive-agressive, cowardly way out. Your son will suffer too and that will be unforgiveable to drag a child thru that.<P>If you have tried all of the above and nothing is working and you cannot live like this with your husband any longer, then cut your losses and separate, preparing for divorce. Don't sneak around like a tramp behind his back for your own happiness.<P>Anyone can cheat - that's easy. But it takes courage and determination to really work at something.<P>Yes, this is harsh. I'd rather be the one to piss you off now rather than the one to listen to you talking about how horribly screwed up your life is because you cheated on your husband. I'm doing it because I see you're in a bad, desparate place, and I care and I want to help before it's too late.<P>If you had the courage to come here, you have the courage to do the RIGHT thing and not take what looks like the easy way out now. Keep up the good work, I wish you luck and peace.<P>Sincerely form the heart,<P>Khyra <BR>

lady,<P>I can only echo what the others have already said. The hurt that an affair would bring to you, your children and your husband is not worth the short pleasure it MIGHT be.<P>If you are unhappy in your marriage, put all your energy into finding happiness within it - there are tons of wonderful resources available online and in bookstores. An incredibly helpful book that truly lives up to its name is "Divorce Busting" by Michele Weiner-Davis. She also wrote "Change Your Life and Everyone In It" which uses the same concepts and techniques. Other books will be suggested by other people here - we all have read so much and learned so much about marriage. You and your husband can learn much as well - and you have the opportunity to do it BEFORE falling prey to the devastation that is infidelity.<P>I'm so glad you came here - and I wish you the best.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Ladyleed,<P>All I can do is echo the same sentiments as above. PLEASE don't do it. It is absolutely devastating to the other party. I encourage you to sit down with your H and have a "heart to heart" with him. Explain your feelings without using judgement or anger. More important, explain to him your feelings towards the other man and why you feel attracted to him. Try to explain that you would rather get these things from him.<P>I only wish my wife would have done the same thing. My situation may be a little different - I didn't know that I wasn't meeting her needs. Maybe he just doesn't know how serious it is for you.<P>Good luck.