Hi, I don't think many of you know me but I just need to write my feelings and what is happening(which is not much) in my life for myself.<P>Quick history: H started EA around June/99(it was just an "innocent" friendship first) then became PA Nov/99 when I was visiting my friends in L.A.--he asked me to extend my trip so he can be alone then he went to visit her). How naive of me I never thought H was having an A, and OW was interested in him but H was smart enouth and loved me enough not to do stupid things. Feb/00 I found out A by totally accident. My H is a musician and her booker sent him(we had a same e-mail address) an e-mail asking where she could contact him when he was supposed to be with HER! I checked all of the bills and realized how many times he was visiting her in MASS. <BR>He moved out at the end of April, I did plan A for a very short time, then found out he was still lying to me alot and actually he brought OW here and introduced her to his relatives/friends and I had enough so I asked him to take the rest of the things he had and file for a divorce.<BR>He did take his stuff but he hasn't done anything for a divorce.<P>So now, I lost most of my love for him because I haven't talked/seen him since August I don't check his schedule anymore so I don't know when he's in town, and I think when he's not touring he lives with OW.<P>When I was very upset (about 3 weeks ago) I wrote him an e-mail about a divorce. He wrote it's hard to do emotionally. Which made me angry more.<P>Most of the time I'm a happy person and find positive things in small things(hey.. I need this and I'm glad I can do it), but when I think about H I don't have any good feeling towards him(so try not to think about him much). In his reply he said he would be back(from tour which is another lie) on Oct 7th or so but around that time I was taking some trips to treat myself and he never called. After the trip one day I came home from work and found his checks in my mailbox and he also took his bike which was locked outside. He still didn't call me about it. I know either he contacted me or not about this I would be feeling the same. He had been out of my life for a long time then he did this small thing and my feelings are stirred up. I'm mad because he doesn't do anything for a divorce which I need to be free and not think about him AT ALL! At some point I was gonna do it from my side then recently I'm feeling, why do I have to do this? HE is the one who messed up and he can get away with not taking any responsibilities?? So I don't feel like doing it.<P>OK, that's what happened.. Yesterday I was invited at my BIL's house for a party(of course H wasn't there if he was in town I'm sure they didn't invite me which irritates me), and one guy who knew my H and saw me in the past just asked me blindly how my H's doing and before I could say like "oh, he's pretty busy!(doing what??)", one of BIL just naturally said "he's quite busy".. then later I heard him just said(to someone) "the other night xx(my H) and I were playing blah blah blah" I just thought oh, he was in town.. <P>I guess he's doing Plan B and it's fine, but I want a divorce!! I don't have good memories of him anymore and I gave up on this marriage and I'm happy about myself, I want to be alone legally.<P>If you happened to read this.. thanks.<P>Meg <P>[This message has been edited by MF (edited October 29, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by MF (edited November 05, 2000).]

What a sad story. I can understand how you must feel, but I think you need to do something for closure. It seems like you had a marriage one day and the next day you didn't. Have you been to counseling? <P>Wow. I am sorry. It all sounds so sad.

Hi Popeye,<P>Thanks for the kind words.. it means alot.<BR>When I found out his A I was very suicidal so I was seeing a therapist from March to Aug. Right now I'm not seeing a counselor. I was also taking a medication(paxil) although both my therapist and psychiatrist thought I didn't need to since the way I felt was very normal for what I had been through! I cried when my psychiatrist didn't want to give me a prescription and threatened him(that I would just go to a pharmacy and get St.Johns wart)!! <P>Now I'm not taking any med anymore and doing pretty well.<P>I know I need to do something for a closure.. but at the same time mean part of me(lol) thinks if I do anything for a divorce OW will be happy.. but we(me and my H) aren't even in touch so that doesn't mean anything.. sometimes my thoughs don't make sense very well. I don't have much anger towards OW anymore because I truly belive my H manupilated alot and made her feel it was ok to do it(yeah she was really stupid and naive to believe him.. but love is blind, right?). I still hope their relationship won't last but maybe one day I won't even care about it.. and that's one of my goals. <P>And I also know many good things came out from this sad thing. And I almost feel this had to happen to find out about myself, my life.<P>Thanks again Popeye, I hope you are doing well too <P>Meg

Hi Meg,<P>Dont know what to tell you about your situation, but I do know how you feel. I pray someday I dont care about H and OW too. But right now I would chear if they broke up, and I have the feeling I will feel that way for a long time. <P>Its frustrating not to have any answers isnt it? I just want to talk to him and get some honast answers. But I am working on not needing that because I will never get it. You and I will never get closure from our spouses. We have to give it to ourselves. I hope one day we get there. <BR>Hugs, Lora

Hi Lora,<P>Thanks.. Most of the time I do really well but sometimes I feel sad and down and today is that kind of day... I just cried watching tv.<P>If I think clearly it's kinda stupid of me to hope to get any answers from my H. If he was that kind of person he wouldn't have just left me without ending it. I still hope, that he has a good part.. but I shouldn't because if it's true or not I won't see it.<P>It's so true we have to have our own closure. We have to do it for ourself, not for our H's nor OW's.. Thanks for reminding me that .<P>When I was watching this tv show(called Last dance), I just remembered I didn't have anything on him with me anymore. I packed for H I put our letters and pix, and a gift from him for our anniversary last year, and my wedding ring. I just brought my wedding dress to a salvation army. And I feel down and miss them but I know I had to do it.<P>AND I just sent him very LBing e-mails. I know I'm bad, but I was so down and frustlated. And since this marriage isn't gonna be restored I don't have anything to lose anyway.<P>Lora, thanks again for your post, the night like this when I'm feeling like this I need some comfort <P>Have you been talking to your in-laws? I hope they are helping you emotionally, mine, I don't know.. maybe I should stop contacting them..<P>Take care of yourself Lora..<P>Meg<p>[This message has been edited by MF (edited October 29, 2000).]

Meg,<P>Hang in there, its OK to greive. It is sad and hard and unfair, give yourself permission to feel everything and hopefully get through it to a better place.<P>I know what you mean about the in laws too. I'm not sure how the holidays will go. I hate to cut them out of my life because it is too painful to hear about H, but I have thought about it. I guess we will have to make a new relationship with them if we are to continue. Its hard right now tho. My SIL told me H and his mother were coming to her house for Holloween and it made me sad, and feel sorry for myself, here I will be alone...<BR>Lora

Lora,<P>Hi again!<P>I'm ok.. your thread made me smile and I feel much better(Thank you ). <P>When I cry I try not to cry for myself. So it's good to watch a moving tv show and cry.<P>It seems to me that you have a good relationship with your in-laws and it's great.. I know sometimes you don't want to get reminded about your H.. and they are related and I'm sure they will talk about him so it must be hard..<P>Sometimes I think about this Christmas time, and wonder if I can survive.. Then I think that the last Christmas was AWFUL.. so I don't think it won't get any worse than that. One of my friends invited me to her place but I may just stay at home and take it easy. BUT I really have to buy me a greatest gift to ME!!(and you have to do that too!). Maybe next week I should check some clothing store. and right after, my birthday is coming so I will be busy treating myself ALOT(lol)!!<P>Thanks for making me smile with your post!<P>Hugs,<P>Meg