My wife recently told me that she was very unhappy with herself and our marriage. She told me that she wanted to work on it and try and make it better. I've never been good at picking up signals of trouble but have always been good at putting pieces together after the fact. During the couple weeks after she told me, little things began to come together in my mind and I started to wonder if she had been unfaithfull. She did after all start wearing perfume not too long ago after many years of not doing so, she was going out with the ladies - which I thought was good for her or so I thought. Anyway, I decided to have a look at her cell phone bill one night and discovered that there were about 20 calls to this guy that is a single dad who is involved with the same Girl Scout group my wife leads. The calls were at all hours sometimes as late as midnight. I really had no idea that she was even talking to this man and when I confronted her with it she said that she new I wouldn't like it and therefore kept it hidden from me. I told her she was right and that I didn't like it and then she said "well I don't" and then stopped. I said "care, right" and she said yes that's right. She said they were just friends and nothing more but I really had a bad feeling about it. Because I didn't want to keep it in, I brought it up a couple nights after the kids were asleep. Some of the things I heard were that they had alot in common, he made her laugh. Those things made me feel even worse because the whole reason for our trouble was that I was too busy making a company work and not paying enough attention to her. The thing that really got me was that she told me that he didn't want a reationship because she's married. When she told me that I couldn't help but wonder what kind of conversation took place to solicit that kind of information. I don't know if they slept together and I want to think they didn't but I feel really betrayed by this and I suspect that even if nothing major did happen it came close and the only reason it didn't was that she wouldn't be able to keep it together and didn't want to throw our marriage away. I know that I let her down emotionally and I'm working on that but I can't get past my fear of what really happened. She says it was nothing but there's just too much that says otherwise to me. She told me that I pushed her to him and there was a time when he came to look at doing a patio for us and he never looked at me once. Should I suspect? Should I be upset? Should I forget it and pretend it didn't happen?

Absolutely you should suspect. It doesn't really matter whether the affair is emotional or physical - emotional is just as destructive to marriages. Don't blame yourself, and don't let her blame you. Having an affair is the betrayers choice - as Frank Pittman pointed out in his book, "Private Lies," it is virtually impossible to force someone to have an affair, even if you try (and apparently there have been people who did try). <P>

You must be feeling awful now. I'm sorry for your pain. We all here understand what you've been through.<P>The good thing is your W doesn't want to throw the marriage. And even it may irritates you it's good OM didn't want to have a relationship because your W is married! I don't know if this is PA or only EA, but the important thing is she's willing to work on you and her(just remind you many WS decide to leave BS!).<P>Do you know if she and OM are still in touch? IF so you have to find a way to ask her not to do it, because as long as they are in touch the marriage you have can't be saved.<P>I'm sure many people will respond you, meanwhile read EN section well and let your W read too.<P>I wish you well,<P>Meg<p>[This message has been edited by MF (edited October 29, 2000).]

Welcome <B>mikec999</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>First, you will want to confirm your suspicions...<P>Check out a previous post... <BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000985.html" TARGET=_blank>50 signs your spouse is having an affair</A> and<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/000480.html" TARGET=_blank>Snoop tricks for Betrayed Spouses</A>...<P><B>In any case</B>...<BR>Do start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>and also see <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>...<BR>Do work on Plan A with blind belief...<BR>...worry about why you should later.<P>Avoid jumping to too many conclusions...<BR>...and give whatever benefit of the doubt makes sense.<P>Keep posting here...<BR>...<B>you are not alone</B>!<P> <P>Jim

DO NOT PRETEND IT DID NOT HAPPEN!!! This needs to come out now. I would call him and ask him. Ask him what the relationship is with your wife. Tell him that its been a secret to you- a secret that you do not like nor approve of. Tell him you love your wife and want your family to remain intact and that he is an interference. <P>This stuff continues because people are afraid to confront. They are afraid of what they may learn or what "people might think". I did this too. I had resources I could have used to find out more. And when I did know things, I tried to explain them away myself or I'd believe my H's lies so I wouldn't have to face it. It hasn't changed things. It hasn't fixed things. It only allowed it to continue and now things are much worse than before.<P>I urge you to confront her and him and do what you can to make this stop!

My worst fear has come true...she did sleep with him. She tells me it only happened once and that it didn't mean anything!?!? I don't quite feel the same about that. Someone please help me know how to deal with this.

Oh Mike. I am really sorry for your pain.<BR>I had previously read your posts and I knew<BR>where this was heading. I must tell you that<BR>it is highly unlikely that she slept with<BR>this guy only once. She lied to you for a<BR>long period of time concerning the affair and<BR>now she expects you to believe it only happened once? In your gut you know that it<BR>is not true. You need her to immediately<BR>cut off all contact with him even though they<BR>work on the scouts together. Another man <BR>that says he would like to be in a relationship with your wife shows that it is<BR>serious and threatening to your marriage.<BR>Remember that your wife will tell you the <BR>least amount of truth that she has to. Mike<BR>I encourage you to get tested for any<BR>STD's. This is serious. You and your wife<BR>must seek professional therapy to make your<BR>marriage work. She must be truthful and tell<BR>you everything and cut all contact with him.<BR>If she refuses to stop having contact with him then you should consider your future options with or without her. Good luck to you.