Well..its Sunday again..and once again, another fight. By the way, this is Tom..L's H. I know that some of you have read about some of the problems surrounding my job..for those that havent..I manage a strip club. Anyway, for the past week the other manager at the club has been missing in action leaving me pulling double shifts all week long. In a way it was a blessing since we just bought this new house, paying this mortgage and still paying the last month of rent on the house we were in. Ive been at work from 11:30am til 3:30 am every day of the week. This has really ticked off L because Im not here to fulfill her emotional needs. No credit is given at all to the fact that I have fulfilled our financial obliagations, that part just doesnt seem to matter to her. Last night, Saturday, we were supposed to go out to a bar for a party. "The Sextacy Ball". I had it worked out where I could take her while one of my co-workers ran the bar til close and then we'd go there and count the money and close the shift. Somehow,L was under the impression that I didnt have to go there at all and that it was just a night out for us. She became very irrate that I had to go back at closing and refused to go.I had come from from work at 8:30 and took her out to dinner. The plan was to go to the ball after we ate. The bar that hosted the party was staying open til 4am. If things had worked out like planned, we would have gone back to close down my club at 1 and been back at the party by 1:30. I felt that going back for one half hour was far better than not going out at all. I guess since it couldnt go ALL her way(which was not going to my club at all) that she decided to do nothing at all instead. So, I go back to the bar alone and do the closing duties. When I get home,L is already in bed waiting for me. She asks me to get a towel from the bathroom because she is on her period and she wants sex. I get the towel, get undressed and get in bed. She tells me that she wants to be touched and coressed and I do so. Keep in mind, I just worked 106hrs this week so Im no ball of fire in bed at this point. I guess things didnt move fast enough for her so she gets up, rips the towel off the bed and tells me that she's going to put a pad back on and leaves the room. When she comes back in, I ask why she's acting this way. She says that Im not showing her any interest. Im thinking..Im here, doing what you asked me to do and you say Im not showing interest..well then, what AM I doing? She gets on top of me, underwear and pad in place, and tells me she wants sex. I say fine, thats what I thought we were gettting to before you left with the towel. She then proceeds to go down on me. Feeling very uncomfortable about how all of this is going, I try to stop her. This only upsets her more. Now I hear...what, I cant even suck you?? you really dont want me!! In total bewilderment, I let her continue. When she gets done she angrily says to me "Thanks for making love with me..goodnight" and once again she leaves. I cry myself to sleep. <BR> Upon awakening this morning, I hear L coming in the front door carrying groceries. I get dressed and go downstairs and say good morning. I get a very angry response of..Hope you slept well. I hug her and tell her that I love her and ask her whats wrong. She screams back..you already know..why do you even ask me. I tell her that I cant read her mind and Id like her to tell me whats upetting her so much right then. I guess I should have never opened that can of worms. So the barrage starts.. I dont care about her, all I care about is myself, Im not meeting her emotional needs, Im not there for her, she's left to do everything while Im out "doing my own thing" etc etc. Not here? doing my own thing?? Im working to pay for OUR house. Then accusations start of me "having an angle" with someone at the club. She had come to the club on Friday while I was in a meeting with a radio advertising salesperson. I introduced L and told her which radio station this woman was from and some of the ideas we discussed about advertising. I guess all that L saw was a woman in my office and Im now told that we must be having an affair. I have not even touched another woman from the day her and I met (cant say the same for her) yet once again, Im accused of having an affair. I fully realize that L has alot to put up with, with me working at a strip club...but she also knows me, or at least, I thought she did. My morals and scruples do not allow affairs! Some irony here. While all of this is going on...L has been chatting with another married man from MB. They e mail with each other from home and work, they talk in instant messages everyday, and L says that this other person IS meeting her emotional needs. So, I go and do my job,dont mess with anyone ever, but Im accused of an affair ..yet...L can TELL me that her needs are being met elsewhere and thats supposed to be all just fine and well. <BR> Back to today (I know, scattered thoughts, but I really cant even think straight at this point).. so L is back from the grocery and tells me that she is making lunch. My son asks if we can all play a family game. L responds..thats up to your father. I say, sure, lets play a game. L then says that she isnt available for play since she has projects to do around the house. I tell my son that I guess he has his answer..we cant play a family game because L isnt available. This, of course, infuriates her. She's now yelling at me to not blame her...that Im the one thats never here. I answer..Im here right now. The whole thing starts back over again...I only care about me..Im not here for her..she never gets to do anything she wants to do. I tell her that I really cant stand to fight anymore and retreat upstairs. She follows. Yelling at me as loud as she can about how horrible of a person that I am. I ask her if Im so horrible ..why do you want to stay and work on this. She answers that she isnt staying..that she will go find someone else that meets her emotional needs. I tell her that she seems to have already found someone on MB to do just that...is that where she's going. Her answer: Yes, thats what Im going to do. Of course, she immediately follows that with ..Im sure you can find someone to be with at the club. Still trying to avoid this fight, I walk out of the room ..she still follows. Still yelling at me about how horrible I am. I tell her again that I dont want to fight and to please stop this..I cant take it. No mercy, no way. So finally, I snap and I yell back. WEllllll..now Im a raving, yelling maniac. Something must be wrong with me to act this way..Im not normal. Does anyone else see a bit of a double standard here?? <BR> Im really feeling hopeless about this whole situation. It seems that no matter what I try, nothing works. Does anyone have any advice other than to just split up?<P> Tom

Hello Tom,<BR>Nice to meet L's H!!! A nice friendly hig for you Tom (now lucks, relax, it is just me).<BR>I am not sure I can help you....just reading that the two of you are so much in love but have communication issues. It is so sad and frustrating. <BR>It sounds to me that lucks just had her heart set on that party and a great niht with you. She had no intention of sharing you with your job, even for a few minutes. I can understand why she felt so upset! But then I can also understand why you were astounded that she would not leave for a short while for you to perform the responsibilites you have to. <BR>Was there something else going on also? Distractions that interfered with the two of you discussing this? These things used to happen when h and I had kids at home-they seemed to need things just as discussions were getting real important. Or someone would call just as we were getting to the meat of a talk. Usually his family-and that would send me over the edge! By the time we got back to the talk, I was just to pissed to think! <BR>Tom, if I were having sex with h, and he seemed distacted after being at a strip joint, yeah, I would not be a happy camper either! Yes, you work there, and Lucks is real patient and tolerant of your choice of professions. But that does not mean she has to like it. There will still be times when it does get in the relationship-regardless of how hard you try to keep it out.<BR>Seems like there was a communication thing again with the sex, and with the groceries, and with the game. Hmmm, I would say that it sort of permeated the weekend Tom. Started of with a bang...and sort of continued til there was a major explosion.<BR>She is hurt tom. I do think that is what she is trying to tell you. She is also frustrated. You sound like a good man-a truly caring loving h. Lucks loves you dearly. I would say that the two of you can learn to talk so the other listens. Takes some work, but think of the end result!!! <BR>Try to find out what lucks really wants and needs. <P> <P>

I don't have a lot of time, so I'm just going to jump in with both feet and hope I don't come on too strong.<P>I can really feel for you and the communication problems you are both having. My H and I are struggling with those as well and haven't yet quite figured out how to fix it. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful there.<P>What really caught my attention, though, and where I may get myself in trouble is what you said about Lucks e-mailing a married man. It wasn't the e-mail so much as the instant messages and her saying he's meeting her emotional needs. Granted, she may have just been trying to "punish" you by saying this, the "you hurt me so I'm going to hurt you" thing. Otherwise, I would say that she and this man should know better and should stop. It's incredibly dangerous ground and doesn't seem to fit in the MB principles.<P>If I'm out of line, I apologize. This is just my opinion and I felt strong enough about it to de-lurk. I got myself into trouble with a married man via e-mail and almost ruined my marriage. <P>Your letter also shows that there are two sides to every problem/issue. I hope the two of you can work this out.