I'm sorry<p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited October 31, 2000).]

Miaka,<P>I have been reluctant in replying because I'm affraid my opinion will be misconstrued by you. I know your in a tough situation, however, you seem to be asking for ideas and advice. So here goes....<P>First off everything you have written smacks of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>. You may think you are ok in saying what you do because of your tone of voice but the thing to remember is it is the other person that decides what is a lovebuster. What I see are serious <B>Disrespectful Judgements</B>. these are the easiest to commit and often the most destructive. What may seem like saying how we feel turns into being infered as us thinking the other stupid. <P>From what you've written in the past it sounds like you have committed other <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, in the forms of <B>Angry Outbursts and Annoying Behavior</B>. Don't get me wrong, I realise it takes two to tango so to speak, but in order to get along we must first control our behavior. Not worrying about the others behavior. This is hard because we want results and we want them now. By changing ourselves we show strength of character and maturity.<P>Have you ever expressed honest gratitude to your MIL, for allowing you to live in her home while you work on getting your feet off the ground? For helping you with your chores?<BR>For watching your child so you could take care of errands? If so was it genuine?<P>Remember relationships are all about perseptions.<P>I know you have a big-[censored] resentment towards her. In my experience when I cop a resentment toward someone it us usualy on me. Meaning it is because I can't accept something the other did. I look for the malice, when in reality it wasn't there.<P>As hard as you fight it you are the one that has to change. Your MIL is set in her ways. You may not like it but until you change your attitude and ideals you are destined to but heads! I am quite certain that when MIL sees the change in you she will change also. Have you ever stopped to think how MIL persieves you? She may just see you as a whinning brat that she can never please.<P>Please don't take what I have written wrong. I want you to be happy and contented in your surroundings. In order to do this you must get along with her. Make peace by committing less <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>. The way to do this is to stop trying to educate her....HUGE <B>Disrespectful Judgement!</B><P>One last the thing....get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank> "Love Busters"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley It is the best self-help book I have read. You can apply the principles to all relationships. I have and I have much better relationships because of it.<P>Bill<P><BR>------------------<P><BR>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.<P>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited October 29, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited October 29, 2000).]

This is your MIL's house and therefore your MIL's washing machine and your MIL's rules.<P>Of course it goes without saying, it would be much easier with you two in your own place. But that is not how it is.<P>I think you could have handled the situation with much more tact.<P>To begin with, you acknowledge that you forgot your own clothes. So you were putting whoever wanted to use the washer at an inconvenience. Before you made any kind of request, you owed I would assume your MIL an APOLOGY!<P>"MIL, I am so sorry I did not take my own clothes out of your washing machine. I got busy and forgot. I realize that I inconvenienced you and that you needed to do something with my clothes."<P>Now think about the moment your MIL peered into her own washing machine and saw your clothes. She could have walked away and did her laundry later, but that is hardly fair. She could have taken your wet clothes and deposited them at your door. She could have come and gotten you (assuming you were home) and had you deal with them directly. Or she could have processed them as she thought best. Given she put them on air dry...which takes forever, I might add, it sounds like she was trying to be helpful and not mean.<P>You failed to apologize for your own mistake and failed to thank her for her efforts. And in telling her to leave your things alone, period, you did not give her any positive suggestions for how she could have handled the situation in the first place. Could she have come and gotten you? Or would that have been "wrong"? Could she have given you your wet clothes or would that have been "wrong"?<P>I think the outcome would have been far better if you would have:<BR>1. Apologized or recognized your role in this.<BR>2. Thanked her for her efforts.<BR>3. Then discussed with her what would have worked best for BOTH of you in this situation.<P>I'm thinking your MIL feels like she is in a no-win situation with you and maybe puts her son in the middle too much, but does so because he is accessible and you are not. If communication with you makes her feel like she can do nothing right in her own house, she is not going to be too comfortable with you.<P>

Yuki<BR>On a former post I talked about picking your battles and I think perhaps you took me literally. But here another example of what I meant right here.<BR>You have enough 'real' trauma and drama in your situation than to cause more over something like laundry. Even if your MIL is not upset, which she probably is if she said something to your husband-- You are definately upset over it. I know it's one more thing piles on an already intolerable situation but it didn't need to be. Wrinkled work clothes is a small thing with your marriage hanging by a thread.<BR>I don't know how to tell you to look at things through another set of eyes but it seems that you need to. It almost seems like you see a plot to get get in every action taken in your household. <BR>I will say again that perception is very real. Your own perception of the way things are is VERY REAL to you and the same goes for others in the household. Tone of voice does not mack hostility or sarcasm, not saying you gave any of that in your conversation but if that's what people sense that's how you are being percieved.<BR>While i don't see you as raving or a monster to your husband and I DO understand this is your arena for venting, that does not mean that when you post situations and they are looked at objectively that I or anyone has to be taking sides. I think I can say on behalf of everyone here that we would love to see your marriage repaired and to see you receive all the love and security we expect from a marriage. We are pulling for you!

I'm sorry.<p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited October 31, 2000).]