Does anyone know where I can get more info on withdrawal such as symptoms, time period, ect.? Thanks!

Assuming you have already checked out:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html</A> <P>you can probably get testimony from alot of people here...was it a EA?, PA?, both? How long did it last? etc.<P><BR>

Yes, I checked that out - I was had a PA with a co-worker that lasted about 3 months. We were good friends before this happened and now that there is no contact - even though I have to see him at work - sometimes I miss him. My husband and I are in our 3rd month of recovery -been without contact since then. At times it seems like I have no feelings left for OM, then other times, they seem overwhelming. Is this normal? Do others experience this. When they are overwhelming then I also have the overwhelming guilt to deal with along with the hurt that I cause my husband by still having these feelings - any in put would be appreciated.

Been there, although mine was more an EA. All you are experiencing and feeling is in the normal course of events following the affair...IT DOES GET BETTER! I am going to save myself alot of typing here and direct you to my thread(my story)...I think it is on page 2 by now...read it, not so much for my situation but for the input that was given to me by some wonderful people here. The thread is titled "Typical Affair" I hope it helps.<BR>The OM being a co-worker complicates the matter even more...have you sought counseling? Do you see him on a daily basis at work?<P>[This message has been edited by dumone (edited October 30, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by dumone (edited October 30, 2000).]

Yes, I do have to see him on a daily basis although I do not have to communicate with him - thank goodness. I couldn't handle it if my job demanded I have contact with him. I will read your post and get back with you. Thanks for responding..

Luv4ever -<P>I know exactly what you're going through. I had a friendship, that turned into an EA, and then it went to a PA. Fortunately, for me, it wasn't a co-worker or someone I don't have to see everyday. But, I still have to deal with places (everyday) that remind me of the Om and the A.<P>As far as withdrawl, for me, most of the things I felt after the affair were remorse, guilt - I would cry all the time, knowing that what I did was wrong, that I hurt my H, that I broke our marriage vows. I was truly sorry for what I had done, and even though I knew that my H and God had forgiven me, I had a lot of trouble forgiving myself. I made one horrible, horrible mistake, and I really came down hard on myself.<P>My H often said that I was being harder on myself than he ever could be. I think it was because any self-respect that I had prior to the A was completely shattered. I gave into to temptation, I did something that I knew was wrong - just because it made me feel good at the time. I truly was "lost." During the affair, I was constantly fighting a battle - a battle between what WAS good and what MADE me feel good.<P>I ended the affair and confided in my H about the affair as soon as it turned physical. Knowing the pain that I caused my H was almost unbearable - not only did I cheat and lie behind his back - but I threw away all my integrity. So, after the affair ended, I felt like this huge loser. I let my H down, I let myself down - by choosing to have an affair. I was the one who made a counscious decision to do this - and taking responsibility for that was undescribably painful for me.<P>But, you asked about withdrawl, right? Well, I guess I wanted to tell you how I felt about the affair, because even though I felt that bad - even tried to end it all - I still "missed" the OM. I missed talking to him, seeing him. On the one side, I did not want to lose my H, I knew that the relationship with the OM would never work out, I knew what I did was wrong; but on the other hand, I missed the OM.<P>I know I have responded to other people about how to deal with withdrawl - and I don't know if there are any real symptoms. You may want to do a search on my user name and read some of my earlier posts. But, I'll try to summarize my thoughts for you. (Summarize. . .that's funny, I can be rather long-winded. . .)<P>Anyway, withdrawl from my point of view, is kind of like withdrawl someone would feel from alcohol or drugs. It's like an addiction - only my addiction wasn't to drugs, it was an addiction to the emotional high I got from feeling loved, feeling attractive. I was addicted to - not necessarily the OM - but to the feelings I had. Suddenly, I felt pretty - when I wasn't feeling too pretty. I felt confident and sure of myself. During the A, I felt like this totally reinvented woman - who wasn't sad - was happy all the time, fun to be with. So when the A ended, I guess I kind of "lost myself - again."<P>I no longer knew who I was or what I wanted in life. I didn't like the person that I was. I truly felt like I was experiencing a mid-life crisis. I wanted to move, I wanted to change jobs, I wanted any kind of change that would make me feel good about myself. I wanted to be with my H - but I wanted to be with the OM. I knew my H loved me, but I knew the OM made me feel good about myself.<P>So, I guess my "symptoms" of withdrawl after the affair ended could be classified as: remorse, regret, guilt, loss of self-respect, irritability (I was frustrated with myself and with the way things were going), I felt a sense of emotional turmoil, I didn't know what was right or wrong, I just knew I missed the OM like you would miss a good friend. It was really strange. . .<P>I read somewhere that it can take up to two years to "recover" from infidelity - so to me, in my mind, I wasn't totally convinced at the time that things could work out between my H and I, but I decided that I would give it at least a year to see if things got any better. And after 6 months, it isn't perfect, but it HAS gotten better.<P>The key for me was no contact with the OM. There for a while, I thought that the OM and I could be friends - well, what started out as friendship turned into an A, and I knew that it would happen again. So, I did the no contact letter. The OM did not contact me for two months. During that time period, I literally had to take one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time, so that I would not contact the OM.<P>Whenever I got the urge to cotnact the OM, I would come on this site for advice, I would get "a reality check" about infidelity and how much pain it causes families. At first, when I made it through a day with no contact, I would pat myself on the back. When I made it through a week without contact, I would treat myself to something special. And after about two months, I was starting to feel better - about myself. In a situation where I had given up control - had no self-control emotionally or physically - I suddenly became empowered to get control of my life back again. Just as I chose to have the a - I now chose to get through this - with my H.<P>After two months of no contact the OM called me, and it was a minor setback. I didn't start up the a again, but I knew it would start up again - if I allowed it.<P>So, for me, the best thing I could have done is no contact. So far, it has been four months - almost to the day - that I broke all contact off with the OM. And it's been tough, but believe me, it does get better.<P>A lot of the time, I still think about the OM - sometimes I just want to call him to see how he's doing, but I know if I do that, I have to start my "count" of days of no count over. It's is like an alcoholic - today, I can't remember some of the details of the affair, but I know exactly the last time I talked to him - down to the minute.<P>On this site, I met another WS who was going through a similar situation - having a hard time with no contact, and we made a promise that we would not contact the OM for a whole year. That we could do whatever we wanted after that year - but for a whole year, we would not contact the OM. So, far I have held true to that promise. I know it sounds kind of funny coming from someone who has broken so many promises, but this has been the one thing that has kept me going.<P>Each day i go without contact, it's another baby step toward regaining control and regaining my self-respect. I have the power to decide what I do and do not do. I know what is right, what is wrong. Sure, sometimes doing the right thing is not easy, but it has, and it will make me a better person, and my relationship with my H will only get stronger.<P>So, I know this is getting long, and I don't think I covered everything I could have. If you want to read more, do a search on my username in the recovery section. I think you will really see all of the various things I went through.<P>I can share with you something that happened recently. Even though its' been almost 7 months in recovery, I've been thinking about the OM again. My H and I are best friends and can talk about anything. This wasn't an easy topic to bring up, but I explained that I felt like I was thinking about the OM too much, and that I just wanted to call him and see how he was doing. What I really wanted to know was whether he really liked me or if it was "just sex" to him.<P>It's really been bothering me. The thing is, I think I had the A because of low self-esteem - someone said I was pretty when I really didn't feel that way. Someone thought I was interesting and fun to be with, when I really didn't feel that way either. So, I guess when I started thinking about the OM, in my mind I was questioning my own self-worth.<P>I know you cannot judge yourself by the number of friends you have or anything like that, but I guess I wanted to know that the OM really liked me, versus it just being about "sex." Now, why in the he-- is this important if I'm trying to rebuild my marriage? I don't know.<P>Anyway, my H and I talked things through, and he even gave me his honest opinion. At one point during our conversation he said that if you think you need to contact the OM - to feel better, to put this thing behind you once and for all - then call him. He wasn't being mean, he said that he trusted me and if this is what I needed than I should do it - call the OM.<P>But, you know after four months of no contact, and after having received "permission" to call the OM - I really had absolutely no desire to see or talk to him. I think where I get side-tracked is when things are not going "perfectly" between my H and I, I tend to focus on the "what could have been," woe is me, kind of unproductive thoughts.<P>The thing is, I made this deal with myself that I would give it a year. I also made a promise to someone else that I wouldn't contact the OM for a year - and to break down now, well, I simply didn't want to do it. The OM wasn't worth it, the pain it would cause my H would definitely not be worth it.<P>I guess I'm rambling here, but after time, I came to realize that I was never in love with the OM, I was in love with the affair. And the thing that I was addicted to was not the OM, but my own feelings of self-worth, confidence, etc. . .<P>What I've learned, if nothing else, is that no one can make you happy. if my H couldn't make me happy or make me feel loved - I seriously doubt that the OM could have done those things for me. Happiness, feeling confident, feeling good about yourself comes from within. It comes from not only doing the right thing, but doing those things that are pure and worthy of praise.<P>For me, I don't know when withdrawl starts or ends. I don't know how long it lasts or what you can do to cure it. I think I am getting "though" it because I do recognize that I am basically a good person who made a mistake. I know that what I did was wrong. I asked for forgiveness, received it generously. I know that I love my H and that I cannot imagine my life without him in it.<P>Even though I do not want to think about the OM - sometimes thoughts of him just pop into my head, and I don't know why. Maybe its because of the affect the A had on my marriage, maybe its because I was raised to be "nice to everyone" and now it seems like I'm not being nice to the OM - I don't know why the thoughts are there, I just know that now I have no desire to be with the OM - nor do I have any desire to leave my H and be on my own. I really couldn't have said that 6 months ago.<P>So, over time, I doubt that I will ever forget the OM - just for the shear impact it has had on my marriage - but I know that I do not want to be with him. So, I think, really, withdrawl is "over" when you no longer want to be with or contact the OM.<P>But there are days, and I admit it, that I do think about him - not necessarily in a fond way, not in a bad way either, I just think about him. When I think about the OM too much, when it affects my moods or how I treat my H - I share those feelings with my H, and we get through it together. I know it sounds strange, but my H has been my greatest source of strength.<P>I don't know if you are religious or not, but when I was really struggling through withdrawl, I physcially felt like I did not have the strength to fight the battle within me. So, I prayed that God fight this battle for me. I prayed that the OM would find someone else - that he would fall in love like my H and I, that he would realize that what we did was wrong. I prayed that he find someone so that he would not call me again - becuase I really didn't feel strong enough to withstand talking to him or being mean to him if he called me. And it has worked. . .it's been my own little miracle. Because, really, there were times, desperate times, when I just didn't think I could make it. But you know what? I endured the worst of worst and I am a stronger person because of it.<P>I don't know if you are struggling through withdrawl - or just had a general question about time periods for withdrawl. But if you are struggling, just take one day at a time, one week at a time, one month at a time. Keep your focus on your H and on your marriage. For me, I was so wrapped up in my own feelings, that I never thought I would "feel" in love with my H again. That's when I started doing something different. . .Instead of sending an email to the OM - I would send an email to my H. Instead of dwelling on the affair, I would go out and buy my H a little treat - to let him know that I love him.<P>I think when you go through an affair - it's all very selfish. I did what I did to make me feel good, not make my marriage stronger. And, even in withdrawl, the focus was on MY feelings - I feel so sad, I feel so lonely - it really was self-pity. To break out of that, I made a leap of faith and started doing things FOR my H instead of me. I started doing things that would make HIM feel better, make him feel appreciated. Sure, I'm still a little irritable every now and then, a little sad every now and then, but when your focus stops being on yourself and you turn your focus to other people - something really remarkable happens - two people end up feeling better.<P>Doing things for my H, making him smile, making him laugh, made ME feel good too. and that's how we are recapturing that "spark" that I thought was missing. I've always loved my H - even during the a - but the A made me feel like I wasn't "in love" with him anymore, that we were just two different people who were not meant to be together. But that's wrong. . .Those in-love feelings are always there, too. Sure, they may not be those "love at first sight" butterfly feelings that you got when you first started dating. . .<P>But it's much deeper than that. . it's those in-love feelings that come from knowing that my H still loved me even though I made a horrible mistake. It's those in-love feelings that come from knowing that you can share your dreams, your every thought with one person and he'll never make fun of you or laugh at you or berrate you. IT's those in-love feelings that come from knowing that I will be able to spend the rest of my life with my best friend and confidant. It's those in-love feelings that come from knowing that someone is there to support me - no matter what life throws at me. And that's what marriage is all about. I had to learn this lesson the hard way - but I know that I appreciate what I have a lot more now than I did on the day I got married.<P>So, tired of reading??? Bet you're sorry you asked for my thoughts!!! Seriously, the best thing you can do, is to avoid the OM at all costs. I don't know if finding another job is an option, but it could help. I know that I have a slim to no chance of running into the OM, and I think that has helped me get through this a little bit better.<P>But every situation is different, every person is different. One closing peice of advice that may help. . . I'm reading this book by Charles Swindoll called "Strnegthening Your Grip." It's a really good book. In it, he says that life is "10 percent of what happens to you and 90 percent of how we respond to it." You can either choose to give up or choose to go on. You can have determination to endure or be paralyzed by self-pity. Sometimes, we spend to much time worrying about things that we cannot change - things that happened in the past for example - but you can choose what you do today or what you do tomorrow.<P>So don't only look out for your own interests, but the interests of others. Try not to focus on your negative feelings, focus on that which is positive. Try to "focus on what is true. . .honorable. . .right, whatever is pure . . .lovely. . .of good repute. . .and worthy of praise. . .Do that which is pure and wholesome."<P>We have a choice - everyday - to feel sorry for ourselves and our situation, to laugh less and complain more - or we can keep a positive outlook. Don't focus on what you don't have, focus on what you do have.<P>I don't know if any of this made sense, but I've probably been where you are now, and I can understand what you're going through. By coming to this site for advice, I know that you are an honest, decent person looking for answers to put you on the right path. I think the struggle you are feeling is a good sign that you are geniunely sorry for what you have done.<P>Whether or not this situation strengthens your marriage or destroys it - is up to you and your H. And, who's to say what is right and wrong for someone else. Just know that if you want to get through this - with your H - to build a stronger marriage - it is possible. <P>Please feel free to ask me anything - just know that I tend to ramble . <BR><p>[This message has been edited by SKM (edited October 31, 2000).]

Thank you so much for your post. You don't know how much it has helped me. You sound exactley like me - I could have written that post myself! It helps to know there are others out there going through the same thing. The funny thing is, I haven't really had a problem with the no contact thing. I have had on a couple of occasions the desire to talk to him or see him, but I know that is not an option so that goes away pretty quickly. My biggest problem is just like you said, just having thoughts of him. I get discouraged because I know this means I still have feelings for him. Feelings that I'm not supposed to have. I am spiritual so I do pray that God will help take these feelings from me. I try to fill my mind with only good things, but when I get anxious or as you said when things are less than perfect, I tend to think of these things. Thanks for the encouragement. I know that I can do "all things through him that strengthens me", but boy is it tough sometimes. I will be praying for your recovery as I hope you will be for mine. Thanks again... Please keep posting.

Luv4ever -<P>Hey, I may not be able to do a lot of things, but I can at least pray for you. When ever you feel tired or weary, turn to Him. When ever you feel confused or lost, turn to Him. I believe God always answers our prayers - one way or another. Sometimes, they are not answered in the way that we would have liked or in the time frames we would have liked, but he does answer.<P>Whenever those thoughts just pop in your head, try to understand that they are normal. I think the temptation will always be there, but at least now we know the pain that comes from giving into that temptation. God didn't make up "rules" because he didn't want us to have any fun. He gives us guidance because he knows that sin, temptation, can hurt us - not only physically and mentally, but spiritually.<P>I tend to think of the A as God's way of drawing me closer to him, to relying on him more. Sometimes I pray, but sometimes I just "talk" to God like he is my best friend. Because he knows what you're thinking, he knows what's in your heart. . .and I think your heart is pure. It's our minds that get us into trouble.<P>Take care. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

SKM,<BR>what an inspiration you are! I've been searching and searching to find someone in my same condition. Seems like the Lord may have finally provided me one to share with. I thank God for that. I do know that the mind is the battleground for satan and that we must bring every thought into capitivity and under the obeidance of God. I've posted some on the Women's Bible Study forum and have had a lot of support there also, you can do a search on it there. I really appreciate what you've said and for the time you've taken out of your busy schedule to help a fellow child of God. "When I was hungry you fed me", this verse reminds me of you. May God richly bless you today.

luv4ever,<P>Why did you pick the name "luv4ever? Is it because of your spouse or your affair partner?<P>If it's because of the affair, then you need to quit "idealizing" the affair. If it's because of your spouse, then WOOHOO!<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

I picked the name because of my spouse! He is the greatest person in the world and he certainly did not deserve what I did to him! No one does! I honestly believe God could not have created a better man and I do plan on being in Love with him 4 ever! Thanks

Luv4ever -<P>Thank you so much for your kind words. You know, that's another reason I still hang out here - even though I think my H and I are on the right track - I like to support and encourage others. I think it's important to share ideas with each other and opinions - more importantly though - I think we all could use a little encouragement every now and then - when things get really tough.<P>So, when you need to get something off your chest - or if you're having a particularly bad day - please, please feel free to post to me. And post about the good stuff, too. Sometimes we all focus too much on the negative, and sharing good stories, positive aspect of our marriages can only snowball and make things better.<P>But, I just wanted to say thanks. It means a lot to me to know that something I might have said made your day a little bit easier to get through. Thanks also for the prayers and well wishes - I can really use all the help I can get and I appreciate you taking the time to inspire me. We are all in this together. . . I've been meaning to check out the women's bible study forum - now I have no excuses. . .

SKM,<BR>I just posted to the Women's Bible Study for a prayer request. I wish you would take a look. I'm having a hard time today, pray for me.

Hello, Luv,<P>Withdrawl is difficult. Just when you though it was safe to breathe again, it comes back and hits you over the head. Its one of the many crosses that we as betrayers must find the strength to bear. You are dojng the best thing possible to come here and post. <P>SKM has offered you a ton of support, and I am glad. When she pours her heart out, look out! There will be a flood! <P>I cannot offer you guidance or support on the religious aspect of your recovery, however, I understand that your spirituality can serve as a welcome embrace in guiding you thru this rocky, unfamilliar terrain. <P>Keep on coming here and posting, don't let anyone here get you down. We understand and we have been there, done that. Anytime thoughts of the OM get to be too much, remember that we are here, and talking to us won't hurt you or your marriage.<P>Khyra

Khrya,<BR>Thanks so much for your post. It does help to know there are others. That even when we feel that we are the scum of the earth, we are not the only scum (ha) - just kidding of course. I do appreciate the support that I get from here as well as others. Thanks again.

I`m so glad I came across this. My H is going thru withdawl and he is up and down. Some days he seems to be his old self, but most of the time he keeps all of his feelings inside. I`ve tried to get him to talk to me and some times he does , but most of the time I feel like I`m getting no where. I pray daily that he will get thru this. He knows I`ll be here for him. It makes me feel better knowing there is hope. Maybe if I try real hard I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. At this point he says he thinks about her everyday all day. Oh how I hate hearing that, but I want him to talk to me so I don`t say how much I hate that. Ithelps so much to know all the feelings that go along with this nightmare. I want to thank you all for the help you have given, not only me, but to many of us here. God bless you.