Hi. This is actually a very good "it's over". Last week, both W and I received letters from the judge presiding over our divorce action. We haven't done anything on the divorce since finishing a preliminary separation agreement in December of last year. I guess there is some amount of time the court gives you(here in CO) and if there is no action, they take action.<P>Basically, the letter stated that unless the judge received reasons to the contrary in writing, the divorce petition will be dismissed on November 24. I asked W if she wanted me to have my attorney write a letter giving us more time. She looked at me with a slightly surprised look and said "No. Do you want her to?". To which I also replied in the negative.<P>I had hoped to be a little more "pro-active" if we got to the point of withdrawing the petition. I felt like it made a strong statement if we agreed that I should withdraw it and then I did it. But, if you are receiving manna, it doesn't matter whether it is from heaven or Sam's Club, I guess.<P>It looks like the worst of this ordeal is finally going to be over. Maybe now we can concentrate on the hard work of recovery.<P>--DeWayne--

DeWayne,<P>Glad to hear of the good news, regardless of the source or way it came about. It is good to hear that Susan was so surprised about you questioning whether or not to petition your lawyer. It sounds like she is commiting to the marriage and may be more able and willing to concentrate on rebuilding with you.<P>God Bless <P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

Good things happen to those who are patient...<P> <P>Jim

<B>Nicole -</B>I think you are right. She finally seems able to give her full commitment. There still are some rough edges as you well know, but maybe we will get there.<P>Luv ya<P><B>Jim -</B> You of all people should know that patience is <I>not</I> one of my virtues. <P>Luv ya, man...<P>--DeWayne--

DeWayne,<P>OMG! You scared me for a minute! Glad to see that this is good news!<P>Patience! I know how hard it is but you can make it! <P>Mitzi

Hey Heartpain -<P>You are trying to give me a heart attack aren't you? Sheesh.....what a title!!!<P>Where have you been? Haven't seen you around in a long time....not that I am here all that much lately!!<P>I am soooooo very glad to see you post this.....and the other "light bulb" info you shared on another thread. FINALLY!!! Not that I ever doubted it would come, just fantastic that you held on till it did!!! <P>See, you do have the virtue of patience!! Whether you want it or not!!<BR>LOL!!!!<P>You and Susan will be fine.....it will take time for both of you, but soon you each will have more of those "light bulbs" coming on about the same things at the same time!!! <P>YAY for you two!!! <P>BTW - didn't forget about Seat of the Soul and Susan.....couldn't find mine and had to get another one. Now I have to reread and refresh the old, worn out brain's memory of it!!!!<P>I think of you often and you're both in my prayers.<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba<P>

<B>Mitzi - </B>Sorry for the scare...I did want some of you who have been with me all along to see this and I have noticed a significant "lack of interest" in most of my more recent posts...Almost made me start feeling like Miaka.<P>I have been totally amazed at you, young lady!!!! Your attitude is very simply amazing. I don't think I could do what you have done...You're the best...<P><BR><B>Sheba - </B> What do you mean, "where have I been"??? You are missing from here much more than I...Heard you loaded up that frozen salmon, hopped on your horse and rode down to help Frank out. You know you are just adding more good stuff to your reputation!!! <P>Now there's some one who knows me("that you held on till it did"). <P>We've had a few talks about Zukov's book. I haven't read it yet, but each time Susan talks about another of his "themes", I keep finding real-world parallels in Phil McGraw's books. I told her both guys are saying the same things, except Zukov looks more across lifetimes and the benefits for the soul, and McGraw is discussing the same things to better(get thru) this life. She is really into Zukov, but finds McGraw a bit preachy and feels he advocates running roughshod over others to get what you want....<P>I think of you often, too<P>Luv ya(you, too, Mitzi)...<P>--DeWayne--<P>

DeWayne,<P>No, there hasn't been a lack of interest in your threads. I read, sometimes just don't know what to say. Sometimes it's hard to give advice on rebuilding a marriage to people when I have no interest in rebuilding my own. <P>Thanks for the compliments! Sometimes I amaze myself! And just think, it was almost a year ago that I came here a blubbering mess! So many things have changed. But for the better. Life couldn't get much better than it is now.<P>More luck to you and Susan!<P>Hugs,<BR>Mitzi

Hi DeWayne,<P>Congratulations! How long did it take your wife to decide to recommit to the marriage?<P>I am currently being held hostage in limbo hell. H won't commit, yet he won't let go either.<P>Sometimes, I think the only reason he came back is to continue tormenting me. When I discovered he was still carrying on an 'emotional' affair, I asked him to move out, but he adamently refused!!<P>I hate not being able to move on with my life. Can't even buy a new mattress which we sorely (no pun intended!) need because according to H "that's a lot of money to spend". And, it's not like we can't afford it!!<P>Do you think that filing for divorce was the wakeup call??

Your title woke me up this morning, you bum!<P>Glad to hear things are going very well. Hey, I don't get many replies either, but I don't let it stop me. I think just writing sometimes helps to crystallize our thinking. The replies are a nice bonus.

<B>Sidney - </B><BR> It was a long, drawn out process for her to totally commit to working on our marriage. She initially decided in the early summer, but it was lukewarm at best. She would say that's what she wanted, but didn't really want to do anything about it. She was waiting on me, to get what she wanted without really giving anything back. I think this has been related to her coming to grips with what actually happened. She said, in that paper conversation, that she was still trying to figure out what happened and why. I think she needed to begin the understanding of "what" and "why" before she knew she wanted to continue. The length of the "lukewarm" period was what really made me impatient. So close, but so far away.<P> Now, she seems very, very committed to us working on our issues. She expresses more affection and caring than in the past 19 months. She seems calmer and has many more "happy" times. She is starting, albeit very slowly, to open up and be more willing to start touching on my issues. We certainly aren't there yet in that department, but there are lots of hopeful signs.<P> There have been several incidents that I think contributed to the "waking-up" process. It was gradual like everything else we went through. The first was filing for divorce. That is when she decided to join me in joint counseling after refusing multiple times. If you went thru my posts from the Sep-Dec 1999 period, you will see that the therapy was pretty much a waste of time, at least as far as making real progress was concerned. She contributing her own "wake-up" incident when she leased the apartment in January. She didn't move in at all until May, I think, at my insistence. I was tired of no progress and told her it was time for her to move and for us to carry on with the divorce. I was really serious, calm and even-tempered. I was ready for the split. For a week, she told me that she had this feeling that it was the wrong thing to do(the divorce). I finally caved and agreed to return to the status quo. In addition, she asked if I would spend the first night with her in the apartment.<P> After the first night, she asked me to stay again, and again, and again. I think she spent about four weeks total there, with me staying every night. She never spent a night alone in the apartment. The four weeks was split up because I had to do some business travel here and there and she would stay at the house to tend our cats. Upon my return it would take a week or two before she would decide to go back, each time asking if I would stay with her. Each time it took her longer and longer to go back until it was pretty obvious she didn't want the apartment. Finally, she started to make statements indicating her dissatisfaction with the appearance of the apartment, the spiders that moved in each time she was gone, etc. <P> After June, I think it was, she never went back, but she didn't terminate the lease until October. Here, I think the apartment was another contributing "wake-up" call.<P> In total, I think I told her I was ready to quit and that it was time for us to move on three or four times. I was deadly serious each time and had resigned myself to what I thought was inevitable. Again, each time, she brought <I>me</I> back. At first it was very subtle and not really giving the impression that it was what she really wanted, just divorce was what she didn't want at the time. Over the last couple of months, she has been very definitive and assertive about working things out. It's just she's not quite ready yet to give me what I need, but I think we may be on the long road to that goal, too.<P> Also, something happened with OM some time in the spring. When she started leaning toward working on us, she evidently let him know. He started getting needy and self-sorry, letting her know he was "clinically" depressed, telling her that his background was very similar to hers, getting no respect or love when he was very young. He did a lot of crying and saying that it wasn't her fault, that he knew this was his problem and his responsibility to deal with. Actually, he and I went in opposite directions. He went from stable and steady to needy. I went from hurt and desperate to work together, to almost a "take it or leave it" attitude, preferring to "take it", but willing to "leave it" with no imposition of guilt, no blame, no negative connotations about her at all. I started showing more self-control and strength. This must have been one thing that contributed to her long-term changing of mind.<P> Anyway, in a nutshell(coconut shell, it's so large!!), these are some of the things I think contributed to the turnaround. Also, she never stopped loving me, which made these changes easier for her(and I know they were very hard).<P> Now, in your situation, I think the comment your H made about not spending the money on the mattress and his refusal to move out, is his macho, ego-saving way of indicating the same things Susan did, albeit in a more restrained, docile fashion. He is definitely not ready to call it quits. Remember that we guys, as a rule, are not quite as well in touch with our feelings as you gals. Sometimes we grouse and complain our way to expressing our feelings. It's sure not easy to read, sometimes impossible, but it is there nonetheless. I felt so long exactly as you do about wanting to get on with my life. That is also the words I used to express my feelings to Susan each time I was ready to give up. I think my saying that had some play in getting her to think about life without me and seeing that that wasn't what she wanted.<P> I want you to know that even as she was starting to indicate she wanted to work things out, there was still some level of emotional affair going on. I don't think that actually "stopped" until this summer. This is something that I think she would deny, but denial has been some part of our journey all along, at some level on both our parts. I think it would be good for you to hang on at this point if you can, but I really do understand how you feel. How much longer you can continue is totally up to you and I will support whatever decision you make.<P>Luv ya bunches...<P><BR><B>Schizzo - </B><BR> Didn't mean to scare anyone, just wanted to attract attention from others in a similar situation. I thought it was important to spread some possibility of hope, hope I never thought I would see. Unfortunately, the board doesn't count "hits" on a post. The only way to tell if something has been read is the receipt of replies. I didn't specifically want replies, a pat on the back, a kick in the pants or any other somesuch. Just wanted to be sure people were reading this.<P> You are on a good road now, too. We need to keep each other on the straight and narrow.<BR> <BR>Take care and big hugs...<P>--DeWayne--<BR>

DeWayne,<P>Sorry I missed this earlier....What great news!!<P>I really can't add much to what's been said, I just wanted to let you know that I am truly happy for you....I remember ALL of the incidents you recounted...Hard to belive a year has gone by...Tomorrow will be my anniversary here at MB...Keep up everything you are doing.<P>Bill

Yet another reason for the limbo I want to throw out here. My h was in limbo for almost a year because he was waiting for "it" to happen to him. He is so proactive in his work, but at home he was expecting love to hit him between the eyes first. And this despite counselling with Harley, etc.<P>It is when he finally realized he had to MAKE a good marriage, that I have experienced an absolute turn around. Though the hurt is still there, I would now be crazy to want another marriage - he is being wonderful!

<B>Bill - </B> My good friend...It really $uck$ to be one of the "old-timers" doesn't it??? Yeah, I think I've read as much of your story as you have mine. Got a lot of admiration for 'ya. You have travelled a long, weary road and you are just getting better and better.<P>When I lurk on the D&D board, I always get a laugh when you post about getting your "ashes hauled". I haven't heard that expression in years. It does stir up a lot of sympathetic feelings for ya, though. You deserve to find someone who will treat you as good as you would treat them and everyone else. You are an anchor for the rest of us here and don't forget it!!!! Luv ya, man.. <P><B>Schizzo - </B> I think Susan also finally decided that a good marriage needed to be "worked" on. Don't think she was waiting for "it", just took some time to realize what she really wanted and how much she was willing to do for it....You last statement fits me to a "tee".....

Dewayne,<P>Thanks so much for the "coconut shell" version. I read every word. What is so hard are the constant mixed messages AND the not knowing whether the situation will every improve. It's very encouraging to hear from someone who's "been there" and hear that it DID get better.<P>It's so very hard to be around H right now. He's very depressed, always negative, short tempered and shows me absolutely zero affection. When I make a list of the pros & cons of staying with him, I'm finding that the pros are becoming fewer and fewer. He's sucking the joy right out of my life.<P>Recently, I finally found another job after searching unsuccessfully for a couple of years. I was so excited about my new job. Rather than being happy for me, he told me he was jealous of me for making some positive changes in my life. He's so unhappy with his life and the way things turned out for him, that anything good that happens for me just seems to magnify or reiterate his feelings of failure. I've tried to encourage him to find more meaningful work, but my words just fall on deaf ears. He's so terrified of failure that he'd rather stay in a miserable job.<P>I know that he's really messed up psychologically. And, the only reason I'm hanging in there is because he is seeing a therapist weekly and he's very good about taking his medication.<P>He never initiates any meaninful conversation (always just superficial stuff). I feel that we are drifting further apart. When I try to start up a conversation, he usually either clams up or changes the subject.<P>Then when we do talk, it usually goes in circles. He's not happy with our relationship, he doesn't know what to change, he doesn't want to work on it, he doesn't think it can recover, yet when I ask him point blank if he wants a divorce, it's "I don't want anything right now". Then he tells me he's under a lot of stress because he fears losing our "friendship". Then he says I'm a part of him and he's a part of me.<P>Thanks for allowing me to vent on your thread. I'm so happy for you and Susan! Please keep us posted on how things are going.

Thanks for your post. Glad things are improving for you. YOu give some of us hope. Good luck.

<B>Sidney - </B> I know all about the mixed messages and not knowing if things would get better. I lived that for over a year. I know also how you feel. It gets so tiring and discouraging and tough to go on. I was lucky that in my case, when things got really bad and I was ready to leave, she would do something to bring me back.<P>It really has to be a trial for you, knowing that your H's problems are easily identifiable, but difficult to solve. As a "conditioned" male, I'm sure it's difficult to accept advice from you about his work. You seem to be doing all that you can, but it is his responsibility to better his own life. Fear of failure is very powerful and rules the lives of many people.<P>I am very happy about your new job!! Even though you want the marriage to work out, you cannot put your life on hold for your H.<P>You said he is seeing a therapist weekly and is good about his medication. Do you think he would be willing to read "Life Strategies" by Dr. Phil McGraw?? A wonderful book that really hits home with most of those who read it. Susan started reading it after I suggested it, then stopped after the second chapter. She felt he was saying the only way to succeed in life was to "walk" on others. I disagreed with that interpretation and encouraged her to read more. After about three or four weeks she started it again, finished it and now wants to read the other book of his that I have, "Relationship Rescue". If your H approached "Life Strategies" with an open mind, it might do wonders for him.<P>I see lots of hope for you guys based on the things he tells you, but it boils down to whether or not he can pull his act together, and whether or not you can hang on much longer. The first is up to him, the second is up to you. If you feel you've given your all, I certainly would not second-guess you. You've been down a long, long road, and I'm proud of what you've given your marriage.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He never initiates any meaninful conversation (always just superficial stuff). I feel that we are drifting further apart. When I try to start up a conversation, he usually either clams up or changes the subject.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Even with the good things happening to us, the above describes that portion of our life exactly. Can't get her to talk about much of anything except the superficial stuff. I have commented on this and she thinks that she is opening up when we do this. Doesn't remember that we did this all last year during the "fog".<P>Anyway, you are not alone out here. Big hugs and lots of love, Sidney...<P><B>sing - </B> Thanks, that is the primary reason I posted. Things were really crazy here for a while, but it got better(much to my surprise). Hope is a valuable commodity for us here, gotta keep it alive!!<P>--DeWayne--<P>

Thank you, so much, DeWayne. I really, really needed some words of encouragement today. My mood is like the weather outside today-- gray and dreary.<P>I will get both of those books. Thanks for suggesting them to me.<P>Hugs to you and Susan. I'm so happy for you both!!!

Hi DeWayne,<P>we must have joined at about the same time. Happy anniversary!!!!!!<P>And I'm so happy and glad to read your good news. What a long hard road you have travelled, now you can have the 'holiday'....<BR>oh I forgot, now it's the road to recovery and from what I read, that's even worse!!!!<BR>But, you can have the holiday and the HONEYMOON when you have travelled that road. And that recovery road will hopefully bring you and Susan even closer.<P>Gosh, all the names that responded to this post where all the names that I remember from when I first came here.<P>I'm over at D & D (just like the Y & R) these days. My divorce goes through Dec 5th, 3 weeks today.<P>I'm going to post a new thread to you, I would love to ask you some questions, but I don't want to hog your thread. Would you help me if you can. I seem to swing betw. 'yep I'm doing the right thing', to 'ohmygod, am I doing the right thing..'<P>I'm so glad and happy for you, and your W. It makes me have hope, not for me and my H, but for any future relationship that I have. To know that there are some people out there who will work for what they want, and not just turn their backs.<P>big hugs for you, and congratulations.<P>Jo