I've been married for thirteen years and have three wonderful children. My marrage is basically a happy/loving relationship except for one major problem. My wife has a problem with honesty. We really never fight about anything and basically get along most of the time. Unfortunately, over the last few years I have caught my wife in some lies.<P>It all started to unfold about seven years ago. We just had our second child. My wife seemed more distant than usual and I could tell something was wrong. I kept asking what the problem was and all I got was how I never paid enough attention to her or said the wrong things. I chaulked it up to the second baby and hormones. I tried to improve my relationship by being more attentive and helping out around the house more. Things seemed to get worse. She was more distant, and there was basically no sexual relations between us at the time.<P>This went on for a week or two so I started to look into some of her activities. She was spending a lot time at a friends house. This seemed OK, because we were good friends with this couple and they were also new parents. Well, to make a long storey shorter, I felt there was something going on but I could not put a finger on it. I asked her if she was seeing someone else. She denied it and could not understand how I could say such a thing. I explained my reasons to no avail. I approached the subject a number of other times with no success.<P>One evening I left to go out to an event with our other child and told her we would not return until late. This when I caught my wife with the OM. I saw them share a kiss (I guess I'm glad that's all I saw). I pretented to come home from the event at which time I asked her about her evening. Of course, nothng happened. I told her I saw her with the OM. She informed me she was just helping him through a tough time and it was nothing. I kept at it, insisting that she tell me the truth. Finally, after hours of pleading my case she told me about the affair. She said it was only one time thing that just got out of control. They had been talking to each other on the phone over the past few months and had a few chance meetings. She insisted they were just friends and she made a horrible mistake.<P>We went to counselling and things got back to "normal". Being a little gun shy about falling back in love and being hurt again I kept many of my feeling inside. My lack of expressing my love for her lead to our latest problem. <P>I started to get those feelings that something was not right again. My wife left for the evening to go shopping and did not return in what I thought was more than enough time. I guestioned were she was and she gave me a long explaination. I told her she was lying because the time stamped on the reciept did not match up to her storey. She told me she stopped by a friends house (doctor) to talk about a medical problem she was having. He is someone she can talk to and he just listens. I told her that I did not like talking with him unless his wife or someone else was present. She told me that she should be able to have male friends without being questioned. I backed off but kept my eyes open.<P>About a month later I again caught her visiting him at his office after hours. She insists that they just talked about her medical problem. I told her I do not want her seeing him again. I also asked her to explain, if they were just friends, why visit after hours and why not tell me where she was going. She said she did not want to upset me. She told me she made a mistake by not telling me. At this time, I began sleeping on the sofa until she could explain her actions. I have been there for eight weeks now. We still talk and act as a real family but she keeps telling me nothing was going on.<P>How do I go about believing her. Should I believe her. Why not be open in the first place and tell me where she was going. I had no problem with her talking to him about her medical problem. Just not late at night when the other wife was out of town and after office hours (10:00PM) at the hospital.<P>Anyone had experience with the "just friends" routine that turn out they "were" just friends? I'm at a loss, I feel there is/was something going on, but she won't admit it. Help me! I still love her very much but I need to know the truth to move on with our lives.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I think most people on here will tell you that if the signs are there and you are already thinking something was up, then it is likely true, unfortunately. And from an unbiased perspective, being alone at a male's house late at night when his wife is away is wrong, and likely implies something, although it may just be emotional. Nevertheless, wrong. The just friends thing is the oldest one in the book. Most of us on here that have cheating spouses have heard it.<P>Many of us are in situations where we have proof of physical affairs, yet spouses deny it anyway. So, denial is very common.<P>Having said all that, I think the most important thing is to read the articles on this site, especially about EN (emotional needs) and LB (love busters), and Plan A. I would start Plan A immediately, and put out of your mind what you have seen in the past. I know that isn't easy, but if you want her and to have a good marriage, concentrate on meeting her needs. Get some books, such as His Needs/Her Needs (from this site or amazon), and Divorce Busters (Amazon or any bookstore). Really focus on what you can do to make her attentions be towards you and not someone else.<P>She is still at home, and so are you, so do something before it is too late. Don't ignore signs of trouble like I did, and end up with a worse situation.<P>I don't know if you have any sex life now, but my opinion is you should start sleeping in the bed again, and do everything you can for Plan A. If you are unsure about what it really is after reading on this site, just ask. In a nutshell, it is about meeting her needs, not love busting (judgements, annoying behaviors, etc.), and being the best you can be, for your marriage and for yourself.<P>Confronting about affairs or improper relations isn't going to get you much, even though it seems like the thing you want to do most. It drives many of us crazy on here, but you can allow it to do that, or get on with trying to make your marriage such that there doesn't need to be anyone else.<P>Hopefully there really isn't a problem, but the signs are there, so Plan A and post here as much as you need to. Take care.

I'm covering my head as I type this, I know I am going to get beat up for this but..... Suspect, go forth and find out what's going on. I am a BS so maybe I am a little less trusting, but I've been there and there is no such thing as "just friends" when she's hiding it from you.<P>Sorry.....

Follow your gut instinct. I followed mind, asked H and he said they were just friends. Two weeks after that I confronted again, and he came clean. <P>Don't hide under a rock and wish it away, get out there and do something about it before it's too late!<P>Many Tears

Yme,<P>I wish I could give you some reassurance, but unfortunately when I had that funny feeling about my W it came true.<P>Try to get the books mentioned above and see if your wife will read them with you together. You need to do what you can to win her back.

I forgot to mention, as HadBetterDays said, do keep an eye on things, watch for suspicious behavior, and just beware. That and the Plan A etc.<P>Furthermore, if you find that your wife isn't interested in working on things to make them better, you can do it alone. As the books indicate, if you make changes, your wife can't help but see them and many times it is the beginning of something better. It can take alot of time, and it depends on how involved a spouse is with someone else, but you do what you can do, knowing that it takes time.

Thanks for all the support you have given. It's difficult not knowing the true facts of the "just friends" relationship. At times I thought I was going crazy. I would make observations and she would deny everything and actually accuse me of trying to make something out of nothing. I just don't understand why someone would try to keep a secret when they know their spouse has some clues on what is actually going on.<P>I gave her the ultimate "get out of jail card" earlier. She could use this card to tell me anything she wanted and I would openly forgive her and never hold it against her in the future. She told me she had nothing to say and she would be stupid if she didn't use that opportunity.<P>We went out the other night(w/o kids) and sat in the cold weather and talked about our future. I told her that honesty was the most important thing in a marriage. She told me a few more things (other times they met) about her friendship and swore that was it (just friends). Later that night, she asked me what I was thinking and I told her that I felt there was something else she needed to tell me. After more denials, she went up stairs and wrote down a few more facts and cleared up a couple more lies about their relationship. Still, she held firm to the "just friends" routine.<P>Why do spouses do this? Is it that hard to tell a spouse about their indiscretions. Do they feel keeping something a secret will make it all go away. How do you heal the wounds if they can't even admit to them. I'm I just crazy and blowing the all out of proportion? I have been in plan A but I need her honesty if this relationship is to survive.

Here’s how I would give her “friendship” the litmus test. <P>1. Show her that you are concerned with her health issues. Must be serious if she needs to see M.D. at 10p.m.<BR>2. Treat her new “friendship” like you would any other new friend. Offer to socialize with her new friend and his wife. See if you are welcome to accompany her to see her friend.<P>These steps will show you very quickly just what their friendship is all about. If it turns out to be nothing, you have done no harm. Unfortunately, I’m with most of the other posters here in thinking there is more too it than she is willing to admit. If you find that you are not a welcome addition to her get togethers then you have your answer. Any relationship that a spouse wants to keep secret, sacred or private has some level of impropriety contained within it. If by chance you are allowed to accompany her, watch their eyes and body language for nervous reactions. Should you witness those behaviors, don’t freak, just play stupid for the time being until you can collect yourself. If you’re up to it, you can even discuss taking weekend trips together (as 2 couples). <P>Well that’s my 2 cents. Good Luck!<P><p>[This message has been edited by Hi Infidelity (edited October 31, 2000).]

My H, who has had 3 affairs says there is NO such thing as just friends between men and women. I agree wholeheartedly. <BR>She may not think that you have a right ot distrust her, but you do. She has proved herself untrustworthy before, don't trust her now.<BR>I agree w/ all the advice esp. the litmus test.<BR>Good luck and may we all be so wrong that you can laugh for days about this.

Well the litmus test would be a difficult one to use now since we were already friends to begin with. My wife was good friends with the family since our children go to the same school and our kids are on the same soccer team. They are both doctors (believe it or not gynecologists). My wife was suffering from endometriosis and was having a hard time getting a appointment for help.(HMO's) He was able to get her a much needed appointment.(I don't feel there was anything prior to this or she would not have been left unexamined for so long.)<P>After her laparoscopy (operation) she began doing more things with this family. He would even call the house to see how she was doing. I was invited to one of the get togethers and that is were I began to wonder. A lot of eye contact and walking into other rooms away from anyone. My wife said they were just talking about her condition. I could just tell it was more than that.<P>The other times she said she meet with him she said it was to talk about the pain and discomfort she was in. I told her to talk to his wife (also a gynecologist) she said she isn't as easy to talk too.<P>I have finally got her to change doctors but that was difficult to do. My wife even told me she asked his wife if she thought they were having a affair. At that point I was the bad guy. He has kept his distance, at least in public places when I'm around. Just his effort of staying at a distance confirms to me that there must have been something going on. It is difficult not to run into this family at school, the pool, the soccer field and at the hospital. And worse, our kids are best friends. <P>That is why I need the entire truth so I don't need to worry everyday whether there was a chance meeting.

E-mail me, TBradham@hotmail.com.

Yme,<BR>I'm also married 13 years. One child, a boy, 11. If you go back and read my posts you'll see another long involved story of a spouse who is "just friends" with an opposite sex cutie. <P>Reminds me of an old joke: If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, swims like a duck, what is it? <P>Oh, not a duck, huh? And how evil minded of us to point out all the signs of duckness.<P>It's an affair, Yme. It'll kill your marriage if it doesn't end. Nothing your wife says makes sense.<P>She'll deny even if confronted with proof. My spouse does. <P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Well as most of you pointed out, if the gut feeling is there and things just don't seem right, "just friends" does not mean just friends. The truth finally came out last night. I feel somewhat relieved and hurt at the same time. I knew the truth would eventually come out, but I don't think anyone can truely prepare for the words. My wife was unable to tell me directly, so she wrote down her feelings so not to forget anything. The letter did not go into detail, it just confirmed the PA did occur. It hurts to say it and to hear it.<P>At least now I know so I can move on without wondering. Hopefully things will work out. I would like to thank all those that responded. It helped me to vent and relize that I am not alone.<P>Any experienced insight on how to proceed with this next stage of life, please respond. I don't want to make any mistake at this stage of the game. I've gone through it before, but obviously I must have failed at this stage since it happened again.

Yme,<P>You have made no mistakes that could cause this to happen again. Your wife made the choice to deal with whatever dilemma’s she had in this manner. Just remember this is not your mistake or your fault.<BR>

You say you've been through this before. Same wife? I too have been cheated on twice, once by a long time girlfriend of 8 years and once by my wife. Are we habitually doing something that causes our spouses to wander?

Same wife similar circumstances. Both, her best friends husbands. How could you do that and not realize the pain that would be inflicted. It still takes two, so the husbands were no better.

Sorry to hear about your situation. Most of us here have been through that and some worse(if you can believe that)<P>The other areas, Just found out... and In Recovery have some book references that may help.<P>If your going to start on the road to recovery, you both need some assistance from someone. If she is willing to work on the marriage. I know when I found out I was a very large pile of water. I just couldn't stop crying after I found out my W was having an A. Just took the life out of me.<BR>You just never think its going to happen to you.<P>Good Luck! <P>[This message has been edited by sj_salsero (edited November 02, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by sj_salsero (edited November 02, 2000).]