OK, once again, I'm going to ask for your opinions on a few things. Keep in mind that this is all about me. What I need is your <B><I>honest</I></B> opinion. Please, no sugar-coating, you won't hurt my feelings and I won't get mad. The flame option is on and so is the no-holds barred option. Express yourself anyway you like.<P>1.) How would you describe me from what you know?<P>2.) How would you describe my attitude? <P>3.) How would you describe my marriage?<P>4.) How would you describe my relationship with my husband? His family?<P>5.) Do you think I hate his family? Him?<P>6.) Do you think I'm trying to destroy my marriage?<P>7.) Do you think I'm to blame for my marriage's condition? My relationship with his family?<P>8.) Do you think I'm spiteful? Mean? Evil?<P>9.) Do you think I'm a whiny b*tch? A whiny brat?<P>10.) Do you think I'm wasting everyone's time? My time?<P>12.) Do you think my marriage has a chance? <P>13.) Do you think I'm wasting MB's space by "whining" so much?<P>14.) Do I get on your nerves?<P>15.) Do I make you angry?<P>OK, with that said, please answer my questions <B><I>honestly</I></B>! My feelings will be fine. I need to know the truth from <B>all of you</B>! Remember, if you have to flame me in order to get your point across, go right ahead. I want to know.<P>If you have any additional comments, you can leave them after the questions. If you can't answer all the questions or don't want to, just skip it, but please tell the truth, <B><I>NO SUGARCOATING</I></B>!!!!!<P>Thank you.<P>PS I'm doing this so hopefully I can see what you, my husband, and his family sees. If you don't respond, how am I suppose to know?<p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited October 30, 2000).]

Miaka,<P>Have a bunch to do right now, but I will answer each of your questions later tonight.<P>Bill

1.) How would you describe me from what you know?<P>A loving and caring woman. You seem fun and want to please others. That you are young, married, living with your parents-in-law and are frustrated with your husband (understandibly) and your living situation.<P>2.) How would you describe my attitude? <P>I don't really know your attitude, I am sure it flucuates, just like other peoples do depending on the situation. <P>3.) How would you describe my marriage?<P>A stressful one, due to the living circumstances on top of normal marriage problems.<P><BR>4.) How would you describe my relationship with my husband? His family?<P>Strained on both counts. I would be frustrated, too. It is hard enough living with a husband, let alone anyone else.<P><BR>5.) Do you think I hate his family? Him?<P>No, I don't think you hate either.<P><BR>6.) Do you think I'm trying to destroy my marriage?<P>No.<P><BR>7.) Do you think I'm to blame for my marriage's condition? My relationship with his family?<P>I think we all contribute to the conditions our marriages are in. You are not solely responsible, nor is your husband. As far as your relationship with his family, I am not sure what is going on there. <P>8.) Do you think I'm spiteful? Mean? Evil?<P>No on all counts.<P>9.) Do you think I'm a whiny b*tch? A whiny brat?<P>No. I think you take things the wrong way, sometimes, though. When someone is answering a question, I think you misunderstand their meaning sometimes. It is done in a helpful way, not trying to put you down and I think sometimes you take it that way. I think people are trying to help, based on the Marriage Builders principals to have you look at things a little differently.<P><BR>10.) Do you think I'm wasting everyone's time? My time?<P>No, absolutely not.<P><BR>12.) Do you think my marriage has a chance? <P>Yes! <P>13.) Do you think I'm wasting MB's space by "whining" so much?<P>No, you are not wasting space, nor are you "whining" so much.<P><BR>14.) Do I get on your nerves?<P>No.<P>15.) Do I make you angry?<P>No.<P><BR>I hope these answers help!<P><BR>

Thank you Raskal.

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 01:34 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Thank you hanora and why are you sorry? You didn't do anything.

Ok, I'm ducking the questions. I just wanted to comment that it is extremely stressful to live with your inlaws. <P>My mother, a pretty stable individual when I knew her, had a nervous breakdown early in their marriage from the stress of living with my dad's parents. And my grandparents were wonderful people, as far as I could ever tell. Because of her experience, we have never lived within 100 miles of either set of parents. <P>My opinion, for what it's worth, is that you and your husband need to move far enough away from his parents to form an independent family unit of your own.

I agree with Raskal and Smidgen. And Hanora. MOVE. You need to help your husband take responsibility for his own family somehow. I understand that he may have some cultural inhibitions about this. <P>Your MIL has definitely overstepped her role with your son.<P>Hope you can move smoothly. Use a lot of sugar coated words with your inlaws. Phony up to them all you need to do, just keep the peace until you get out. And be real smart about saying tough truths in loving kindness. <P>Dr. Laura has a thing she tells people to do with others (enemies), such as ex friends or in-laws who have totally wronged or hurt them. Write a very sweet letter in the most flattering tones, specifying all the gratitude for the THINGS THEY DID THE OPPOSITE OF. That way, if a stranger were to read the note, they would have a positive view of the 'enemy' and say, "Oh how nice you were and isn't she sweet to write such a gracious note!" But inside, they know it is ALL A LIE. And seethe because they can't point out anything you did wrong without admitting to their own REALLY evil actions.<P>Don't do this unless you can carry it off with complete impunity. It is a major lovebuster. Save it for the worst evildoers. I do not know if your MIL qualifies for that yet. She might!<P>What if your H won't move with you? Maybe that is when you should write that letter to your MIL. AFTER consulting an attorney to be sure you won't be hurting your child custody case!!!!<P>Good luck with all this!<P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.<p>[This message has been edited by Karenna (edited October 30, 2000).]

1.) How would you describe me from what you know? Young, passionate nature, unhappy<P>2.) How would you describe my attitude?<BR>Counter productive to the attitude you need to make it in your current living conditions, no matter how "right" you are. <P>3.) How would you describe my marriage?<BR>Married too young, without detatching from the family and becoming your own family unit, but still committed and looking out for your child.<P>4.) How would you describe my relationship with my husband? His family? <BR>I think you want to be (rightfully) his top priority, but to prove it you set him up to choose you by going against his parental family, and when that doesn't happen in the way you wish it to happen, you use it as "proof" that he isn't committed enough to you. I honestly feel sorry for your H, he is is a no win situation now. But I think it could be easily bettered by moving out or at least setting gentle, clear but firm bounderies in his family. Yet, like most men, he may not be emotionally equipted to do this with the charm, tact and strenth necessary.<P>His family. I don't think they have the bad motives that you assign them. I think they are trying to live their life their own way in their own house and the extra family (yours) have disrupted their routine. I do think they are hanging on to tightly and not respecting that their son is a husband and father first. But it is natural for parents to "stick up" for their kids and if they think you are being to hard on him (whether you are or aren't) they circle the wagons.<P>5.) Do you think I hate his family? Him?<BR>No. No. I do think you dwell on the negative which breeds negativity and becomes a vicious circle.<P>6.) Do you think I'm trying to destroy my marriage?<BR>No. I think you are trying to hold on and make it better. However, some of your words and actions are counter to your goals.<P>7.) Do you think I'm to blame for my marriage's condition? My relationship with his family?<BR>You were set up to fail with this living condition. That said, I don't think you are dealing with it as well as you could be and it has become a downward spiral. A marriage is the responsibility of two humans. We all fail our mate somehow someway sometime. You are responsible for everything you put into your marriage, but not always the outcome, because you can't control the actions of others. At times of course you have to give a whole lot more than 50%. Ironically, your H may think he is giving more than 50%, too. Sometimes it is a matter of perception.<P>8.) Do you think I'm spiteful? Mean? Evil?<BR>No. No. No.<P>9.) Do you think I'm a whiny b*tch? A whiny brat? No. No.<BR>I do think you act on your feelings rather than acting in such a way that will accomplish your goals. Sometimes you can be 100% right about a given situation, but yet your reaction puts you further from the peace you would feel in a happy marriage.<P>10.) Do you think I'm wasting everyone's time? My time?<BR>No. No. I think you are learning ways of coping and loving that will be valuable for life.<P>12.) Do you think my marriage has a chance? Yes, absolutely! <P>13.) Do you think I'm wasting MB's space by "whining" so much?<BR>No, I think you are growing and learning...as we all are.<P>14.) Do I get on your nerves?<BR>No, my heart goes out to you.<P>15.) Do I make you angry?<BR>No, but I feel sad when you are so profoundly unhappy, yet do things that make your situation worse.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by FaithHopeLove (edited October 31, 2000).]

Yuki,<P>I have often been tempted to respond to your posts but resist because you seem so defensive. If what is written is not to your liking, your back goes up and you either say something like, "I tried that and that doesn't work" or "you're just not listening. You don't get it." Then go back to complaining. Some people need drama in their lives. Is this you?<P>I think it is a wonderful step in the right direction that you asked these questions. I think it is great that after coming and going from MB, you are still here. I think that indicates that you really *want* something to change, but maybe you are not quite ready to do what it takes or maybe you are afraid of what might happen if you do something and things really *do* change.<P>You don't make me angry. You don't get on my nerves, and I don't think you are wasting space by being here, but I don't think you are utilizing this resource to the fullest. LISTEN to what is being said. Stop and see how maybe this has some relevence to you. What does it all mean? What do you really want? How can you get there? All the advice and comforting in the world will be of no use if you can't do figure those things out.<P>Your attitude could use some improvement, but that could be said of anyone at some point. You come across as unhappy, but not whiny or *****y. I think if you did a *real* Plan A, things would change dramatically. I am not saying this is solely YOUR responsibility, but we can only do what WE can do. We can't dictate other's behaviour.<P>The relationships are the way they are because of everyone's input. Nothing is ever one person's fault. Virginia Satir likens the family to a mobile. Each person contributes to balance, and when one does something, everyone is affected. What do you want your contribution to be?<P>The family is dysfunctional. I think the whole unit could use some counseling. If everyone could moderate just one thing, it would make a tremendous difference. Dysfunction works because it allows the family to function in a predictable way. Even if it sucks, it's predictable and comfortable. People don't want to get out of their comfort zone, even if it means going somewhere better. It's GOOD to challenge this, but you have to do it in ways that are gentle or people will resist. <P>I think the family can be healthy and more functional. I think your marriage has a chance, but I think you all need help getting there. <P>I hope you are not offended. I only say this to help, and I wish you a lot of love and luck. You obviously care a great deal.<p>[This message has been edited by popeye (edited October 31, 2000).]

Well, well, where do I start? WilliamJ hasn't responded yet so I won't say anything on that. <P>Raskal:<P>Thanks for your opinion anyhow.<P>hanora:<P>Thanks for your opinion anyhow.<P>smidgen:<P>Thanks for your opinion anyhow.<P>Karenna:<P>Well, it's nice to see you. Thanks for coming over. All I can say is that I'm doing what I have to do and in the end, I'm going to be happy no matter what. <P>About your letter, sorry, but I can't do that. Thanks for your opinion anyhow.<P>FaithHopeLove:<P>Thank you.<P>popeye:<P>Thanks for your opinion anyhow.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited October 31, 2000).]